Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Worse Than Maggie Nemser? Me Thinks So.

Ten Speed Cleaning Tips

By: Amanda Coggin (View Profile) <---- And you should probably do that.  In fact, I insist.  Amanda LOVES life and all the life that life bring to the lively living people on this wonderful fucking planet.

Dust and grease, like family members we see frequently but don’t always want to deal with, are two culprits lurking around every corner in my house (How are family members you don't want to deal with 'culprits'?  Culprits of what? ... Oh crap.  Amanda probably thinks life is a play where she's the heroine and everything else is some part of an act where she has to overcome some challenge to her wonderfulness.  Act III, Scene 2 - Dust and Grease.). I prefer using strategic methods in my ongoing battle against them, but time isn’t always on my side (I don't have time, you don't have time, everybody doesn't have time.  Just sooooo busy.). 

Instead, I pick an hour over the weekend to arm myself with rubber gloves, two cloth rags, a brush and dustpan, and some spray cleaner (A winning smile and positive attitude as well, I'm sure.). Then I choose my worst t-shirt-and-shorts combo from my closet and load up Madonna’s Confessions from a Dance Floor, turning the bass up high. Once my body’s pumping to the music’s beat, I put my ten speed cleaning tips into action, and whip through my house like the Tasmanian Devil with OCD (Just to make sure everyone understands this, she's getting paid to write this.  Paid.  Like money and stuff).

1. Let the Sunshine (and Air) In

Before the dust starts to settle, I open the shades and windows to let in the spring sun and air; then I light a candle and let its aroma take over the house (Out with the gloomy Gus air and in with life-affirming freshness!).

2. De-Cluttering Dance

When Madonna tells me to “get ready to jump,” I de-clutter the house by making piles of papers and mail. I make one pile of bills to pay and follow-up correspondence; the second pile is for papers to file away (HOLY SHIT!  THAT'S GENIUS!  I never would have thought of that!). Then I choose a date on the calendar for getting rid of both piles (Date on the calendar?  How about just doing it right then?  Takes what, 10-15 minutes?  Plus, who sets a calendar date for paying bills and filing?). This simple act frees up my kitchen counters for the space I need to cook, and keeps my table open for entertaining (If you're a sycophantic fan of HGTV like I am, maybe you know of this new annoyance in the world of the stupid.  Everybody seems to be working their whole damn house around the concept of entertaining.  Hell, people are BUYING houses strictly on the possibilities open to entertaining.  Here's an idea.  How about doing things for the utility of the other 99% of your time in a space?  Just a thought.).

3. Trap the Dust Bunnies

Dust bunnies live in my bedroom and under my furniture, and float along the baseboards, trying to hide. I use my dustpan and a garbage bag to catch the bunnies in each room before they hop away.  (She uses a dustpan to pick up dust!  Amanda is the smartest person in the history of history!  How does she come up with these things?  I like to think she's like Cormac McCarthy.  A bit of a recluse, tucked away in a small corner of the world coming up with new ways for humanity to look at itself honestly.)

4. Ragamuffin Maid

I tuck two rags in my waistband and take my natural cleaner on a tour of my house. Using the two rags, I dust wooden surfaces with one and spray clean the kitchen counters with the other. (The hell you say!  That works?)

5. Handles with Care

I clean every door, cabinet, and sink handle in the house, removing whatever residue any hands have left behind.  (That's what SHE does.  Nobody else does that.)

6. Kitchen Sponge and Soak

After sweeping away the dust bunnies, it’s time to degrease the oven and soak the sink. Since I tend to go through sponges like toilet paper (eeeewwww!), I purchased a package of cellulose sponges: one for the kitchen, another for the bathroom, and a third for the toilet. They scrub off caked-on grease from the stove, then join my fruit skins in the compost bin (instead of a landfill) (Instead of what else than the landfill.  Thanks for the clarification, Captain Obvious.) once they’ve run their course.  (Perky, sensible AND green.  She's a triple-threat.)

7. Bathroom Break

My bathroom always requires a weekly touch-up. Using Bon Ami, I sprinkle the sink and bathtub, and then wash them clean with hot water. Finally, I take my toilet sponge and run it over the top of the toilet and seat.  (Whoa!  As a cleaner myself, you don't clean out the toilet - you know, the place where feces briefly resides on a frequent basis -  and then wipe down the rest of the toilet with the same damn sponge.  Reverse order, maybe...)

8. Fluff the Pillows

Dust and pet hair accumulate in couch and bed pillows, so get outside and do a little shake (To Madonna's 'Ray of Light'.  She forgot that.  I'm here to help.).

9. Refrigerator Madness

Since my food seems to expire as quickly as I do (by the end of the week), I go through the fridge and see which vegetables are ready to join my sponges in the compost bin  (Yes, you have a compost bin.  We get it.  You're SOOOO environmentally conscious.).

10. Sweep and Vacuum—and the Mop Alternative

A quick sweep of kitchen and wood floors will catch the rest of the dust bunnies and dirt. I like to mix my favorite essential oil with baking soda to sprinkle in the carpet and on my rugs, for quick deodorizing before the vacuum comes out to play (I'm going to have to see a demo on that.  How does the oil not absorb the baking soda and create a paste?  I call bullshit!  She just couldn't make it to ten.). And since the only small rooms in my house requiring a mop are my kitchen and bathroom, I take a third rag and use the natural (Jesus!) cleaner to spray the floor, then I finish up my speed-cleaning frenzy with barefoot dancing to Madonna’s last track, while the rag and I move across the floor.  (Don't even know her and...thinking...ummmm...Yep...I don't like her.  Thank God my vacation is over because she has 218 more articles just like this.  Two hundred.  And eighteen.  I would just end up reading them.  You know.  Just to hate them.)

Or you can go to her now-defunct site titled:  Amanda Coggin  Capturing what you want to see. Writing what you want to read. 

My favorite post is here.  Please read it (while keeping a bucket of warm water next to the chair).  I need to know someone else has experienced this.

1 comment:

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