Thursday, September 18, 2008

"I don't like anyone illegal..." - Priceless.

R. Kelly gives first interview since acquittal

NEW YORK (AP) -- In his first interview since being acquitted (given a free pass) of child pornography charges, R. Kelly dismissed allegations (funny, that's the same thing the idiot jury did) that he ever preyed on young girls, telling BET News: "I don't like anyone illegal."

Kelly also said he was relieved when the trial was over ("now I kin git back to screwin' me sum growed-UP hoes!") , and that his upcoming album would feature less of the sexually charged material that has come to define his multiplatinum career.

"I'm really trying to make this album ... a little bit different, (ya' know? Listenable) " he said in an interview that aired on the network on Tuesday. "Take a little bit of the edge off, you know? And you know, clean up a few lyrics if I can, you know?" (aaaaawwww...he's doing it for the kids! That's sweet.)

Kelly, 40, was acquitted in Chicago in June of multiple child pornography charges. The verdict ended a six-year saga (that's quick and speedy) that began when a videotape surfaced of a man looking (exactly) like Kelly having sex with a girl believed to be as young as 13. Kelly denied he was the man in the videotape (Wow, R.K. - it's a good thing they didn't use HD technology....), and the girl in the video never testified. (The HELL you say! Nothing fishy about that, by the way)

Kelly spoke to BET's Toure for about a half-hour last week (before church). Though the interview did not specifically address the child pornography charges (because, you know, nobody thinks that's important) , Kelly was asked about the perception that he is attracted to young girls (Kelly was married to the late singer Aaliyah when she was 15, but the marriage was quickly annulled). (the "man" is always keepin' him down)

When asked if he liked teenage girls, Kelly replied: "When you say teenage, how -- how old are we talkin' ... 19?" (Yeah, you fucking imbecile, that's what I mean. I mean 19-years-old...not underrage teenage girls for which you were arrested and sent to trial....I'm directly asking you if you like 19-year-old girls because that's an answer we're DYING to know....)

"I have some 19-year-old friends, (you're 40-years-old, asshat. We don't call them 'friends'. We call them 'freshmen') " he added. "But I don't like anybody illegal, if that's what we're talking about, underage." ("just because I don't know what it is, doesn't mean I'm lying...." - Paul Dooley, Strange Brew)

Kelly said he was worried that he might be convicted.

"But at the same time I was very prayerful, (THERE IT IS!! THE "GOD" CARD! YAY!!) he said. "Verdict day... I couldn't describe it and I wouldn't wish it on -- if I had a worst enemy, which I don't." ("....not to leave the room, even if you come and get him...")

When the innocent verdicts were announced, Kelly said he felt relieved that he would be able to see his three children -- two daughters and a son -- once again. (aaaawwwww....they're so proud. "You see, kids, daddy isn't a sex-crazed deviot. He's prayerful!")

"I couldn't wait to get home to hug them and hold them," he said (hopefully, in reference to his own children).

Despite the charges Kelly faced, he still managed to maintain one of the most successful careers of any artist, notching several platinum albums and hits during that period. (proof, indeed, of the public's disgust with immorality) His new album, "12 Play 4th Quarter," is scheduled for the fall. (I can hardly wait)


Christo P. Ney said...

Add this to the pantheon of 21st century philosophy:

"I don't like anyone illegal."

Anonymous said...

>.When asked if he liked teenage girls, Kelly replied: "When you say teenage, how -- how old are we talkin' ... 19?"

The pause between "how old are we talkin'..." and "19?" Mi dios! The look on the interviewers face was priceless.

It's like he's thinking, "DUDE. I just lobbed you a freaking fat one. Hit it over the park and say, 'No. I do not.' WHAT are you doing?!"

Seriously, the agape look on the interveiwer said it all.