Tuesday, December 30, 2008


In honor of David Wygant's victory in the Sardies, we have a special end of year installment from King of the Douchebags. Sorry, Snrub.

Are You Living A Movie?
Have you ever met somebody, and every time you are with them you feel like the two of you are the lead characters in a movie (while every other person around you is just an extra)? (What?)I am experiencing this right now. (I've never seen a movie where the main character sits at a desk and blogs)
I was actually just walking around today with the most amazing woman,(uh huh) and we both felt like we were in our own little movie. (Jesus! YOU JUST SAID THIS!)It was really interesting, and I want to share something with all of you that I think is the true definition of love. (Get on with it!)
The other day, this woman and I were walking on the promenade in Santa Monica (I guarantee they went to Starbucks) completely off in our own world together. We were walking my dog Daphne, (Thank God we know the precious name of David's fucking dog) holding hands and talking to each other. We walked around checking out store fronts, just enjoying the day and being together. (Snore)
Then we ran into Craig, a friend of mine who actually works with me on weekends, (Is this going anywhere? Does he put any effort into editing?)and who seemed to almost come out of left field. (Almost out of left field? That makes no sense. He either did or he didn't.)Having him approach us kind of broke us out of our zone, and it almost took a minute for it to register that someone was talking to us. (That's called being self centered and dickheaded.)Once it did, however, we talked to Craig for about five minutes and were totally present during that conversation. (Oh, good.)
After we left Craig,(stop saying Craig) we talked about him for about 30 seconds (mostly me filling her in on who he is and how I know him) (thank God David gives us every minutia detail of every fucking conversation he has) and then we went right back into our own little movie. (Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuck you)It was almost like Craig was a minor character who popped in and out of one scene in our movie, and he never crossed our minds again once his mini-appearance in that scene ended. (I'm going to LA and finding him and punching him in the nuts. Seriously.)
It’s not a knock on other people. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to other people. It’s just that when I’m with her, I feel like she and I have created our own movie in which every other person is just an extra. It’s truly an amazing feeling. (Deep, deep exasperated sigh)
That night she and I went out to dinner. The people at the table next to us started talking to us. We were friendly, and engaged in a short conversation with them. The minute we finished that conversation, though, we went immediately back into our own world and our little movie. (WE GET IT!)We were so engrossed in our world, in fact, that it took the waiter two or three approaches to our table before he got our attention. (Oh, waiters love that!)
It’s a beautiful thing to be able to get lost in your own little world with somebody. (Unless you're somebody else) It’s what we are all striving to create. (We are?)We are all striving to create a world with someone where both of you can get lost together. (And the syrup is coming out of the bottle in rapid speed)
It is a world where you share an incredible connection and love with someone. You are so connected that this person you love can tell you a story, and you can actually see the place they’re describing even though you’ve never been there. (Gonna..barf)You see what they saw. (Gorp! Must..keep..bile...down)You can understand exactly what they were thinking. You can feel their emotions. (And out it comes! )
You’re just so connected to that person and to their soul, that you are able to really feel everything they feel even if you haven’t experienced each thing for yourself. (You just said this)That is what this is all about and why we spend so much time working on ourselves. We want to get to the point in our life where we create our own movie with someone in which we are the lead character and every other person is just an extra in the background. (or you're a self centered man child fuckstick)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The SARDIES Nominations Are In!

As founder of this here blog, I am picking the winners - Mr. Leonard Belka.

Winners in RED. "Congrats to all and to all a congrats...." (Mr. Belka drunk speech - circa 1975)

It was July of this year when the Sardonic News Conglomerate made its inaugural post. Although it hasn't been a full year, the staff at the SNC has compiled nominations in several categories for the 2008 SARDIES!

(Nominations are for items mentioned within the confines of this blog)
More, possibly, to follow:

"THE DALEY" (FuckStick of the Year)

David Wygant
Glenn Beck
Jay Marriotti


Dating coaches
New Orleans Dead Body Cover Up (Cynthia McKinney)
Fake Bigfoot Press Conference
Fidelity Contracts


Cynthia McKinney
The guys who took David Wygant's dating seminars
Jay Marriotti
Blago - the Guv


David Wygant - Dating Coach
Brad Berens - Chief content officer for iMedia Communications, who analyzes how media advances change people's behavior.
Marian Salzman - a futurist and trendspotter
Leon James - University of Hawaii professor and expert in the psychology of driving
Dr. Gilda - Relationship Expert

"THE ULTIMATE SARDY AWARD" (a.k.a. I wanted to punch something in the nuts after reading this story....award)







"The Hannity" -(Most Condescending Remark and/or Quote)

From Nov. 13th, "Barack, You Complete Me...":

Psychologist Lester Lefton - "Americans are among the most resilient people on this planet," he says. "We will all be fine. You too, Republicans. For those Americans whose candidate did not prevail, time is your best friend. Eventually you will adjust and recognize the country is not falling apart simply because the 'other' candidate is in office. And soon these proud Americans will begin to refocus their energies."

From Inaugural Post:

Eve Pidgeon - Superparent: "It was nothing for our mothers to send us away for two months. We were their jobs 24 hours a day, so perhaps they needed a respite," Pidgeon says. "They perhaps didn't ache for their kids on a daily basis, as working parents do."

Excerpt from Susan Dominus, Nov. 17th entry:

"....David Fishman, an Upper West Sider who turned 12 last month, decided to take himself out for dinner one night last week. His parents had called him at home to say they were running late, suggesting that he grab some takeout at the usual hummus place. Hummus, again? David thought he could do better than that..."

More Terrorist Ammo....

Are you afflicted with 'TiVo guilt'?

By David Daniel CNN

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Bloated? Overstuffed? Ready to slim down? You're not alone -- and we're not talking about post-Thanksgiving torpor. (Whoa-wha??? Oh. I totally thought you were talking about post-Thanksgiving torpor! Awesome misdirection!)

What's weighing many folks down these days isn't too much turkey, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie, but too much "House," "Grey's Anatomy" and "CSI." (hey, that rhymes! Mr. Daniel you are earning your check, good sir.)

More and more people are becoming turned off by their TiVos. Digital video recorders (DVRs) revolutionized television for many viewers, freeing them from endless VCR programming and buying and keeping track of tapes. But it turns out that very ease is providing users with more than they can watch -- and turning a joy into drudgery. (If DVR maintenance is 'drudgery', then, I think we might need a nuclear blast somewhere in America. Just to thin out the ranks a little bit.)

"You want to watch TV, and what do you have? You turn on your DVR and you have a homework assignment," says Brad Berens, chief content officer for iMedia Communications, who analyzes how media advances change people's behavior. (another bullshit gig I missed out on! Seriously, how do these jobs exist?)

"Economists call this 'opportunity costs,' " explains Berens. "You're sitting there and you have to weigh, well, 'I have to watch this thing, because I promised myself when I told TiVo ... (oh, God. I need bullets...stat!) I want the whole season of that! Go get it! And go get things like it!' (are you speaking to a dog?) And so you've committed to this decision and it's a burden -- suddenly your relaxation has turned into more work." ( There are people losing their jobs on a daily basis, assholes! THIS is the shit you consider a burden?!? FUUUCK YOOOU!)

(I wonder what superstar actress Amanda Peet thinks...) Actress Amanda Peet ("Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," the forthcoming film "What Doesn't Kill You") can relate. (ah, good. Some insight!) She told CNN that her TiVo is filled with programs ranging from the Ken Burns' documentary "The War" (suuuuure it is) to the Sunday morning news shows -- and she's struggling to delete any of it, though much remains unwatched.

"I do have weird OCD where I need to clean out my TiVo," she said. "Like we've had Ken Burns' 'The War' on there forever (repetition in a CNN feature? the HELL you say!) and we're not gonna watch it, like I'm not gonna watch it cause I'm too scared. (scared?) Or we'll have back episodes of um, 'Meet The Press' -- I'm obsessed with my Sunday shows like 'Meet The Press' and 'Face The Nation.' (You're the only one, Amanda. 'Face the Nation'??)... They're like from before the election, I'm like 'I can't [delete them], I have to watch them' and [my husband says], 'It's already happened, you've already read everything you're going to read about this stuff.' " (Number of times she said 'like': 5)

"TiVo guilt" isn't a new development -- a quick Google check (THERE it is! The emblem of journalistic research for the new decade...Google) offers articles using the phrase dating back at least two years -- and it has its parallels with procrastination involving previous technologies. (Who didn't have a stack of never-watched VHS tapes collecting dust?) (the homeless)

But the explosion of TV channels -- not to mention TV shows, movies, music and webisodes available via the Internet (where can I find webisodes? Oh. thanks for the clarification.) -- has made the situation infinitely worse, says Berens.

"With infinite media, you have infinite choices, and therefore you have infinite opportunity costs," he says (without a hint of hyperbole). "Your satisfaction index (.....long exhale...steadyyyy....) of the thing you actually choose can never be equivalent to the infinite opportunity costs, so we're in this position of being behind the cognitive eight-ball all the time." (People like to use big words to sound important - G. Carlin)

Berens and others have written about "eventness," (That's it! I'm done with this guy) the phenomenon of experiencing something in connection with other people (it's called "common experience") The longer a program sits on your DVR before you watch it, goes the theory, the less satisfying an experience it will be. (wow. Berens must double-over in evil laughter when he cashes his paycheck...)

But plenty of people who've never heard of "eventness" or "opportunity costs" (people like, say, everybody in the whole world) are growing alarmed (alarmed? scared? What is this? Dresden circa 1941?) at their ever-increasing DVR playlists.

"I've got three weeks' worth of 'The Mentalist,' (whatever) two weeks worth of 'New Adventures of Old Christine' (fine) and 'Gary Unmarried,' (that lasted two weeks?) three weeks worth of 'Ugly Betty,' (this is still on?) two weeks worth of 'Fringe,' (what the fuck is that?) two 'Inside the Actors Studios,' (well, THAT I can understand. Can't get enough of actors talking about themselves) one 'Shield,' and two 'Without A Traces,' " wrote columnist Elissa Bass of The (New London, Connecticut) Day (circulation: 12) recently, tallying up more than a half-day's worth of programming. "I look at them and I start to wonder: Do I still like this show? Should I just delete them and knock them from my season pass? (yes) Is there really such a thing as too much TV?" (God, NO! Let's not say things we can't take back!)

Fortunately, as the saying goes, recognizing you have a problem is the first step toward a solution, says Berens.
"I think that if you give things a name, that's a wonderfully empowering gesture (Just when I thought I was done with him, he pulls another priceless gem out of his ass)... because now [viewers] know what it is and know that they can take control of their media choices, (because, prior to naming it, they were like retarded apes, punching remotes with their paws) they can take back that remote and hit the delete button and not feel guilty -- all you need to know is that other people are feeling it, and then I think the guilt can go away." (Nothing says 'expert, qualified, psychoanalyst' like a 'chief content officer of IMedia....")

So take heart, sufferers of TiVo Guilt: You're not alone, and deleting month-old programs -- and even an ill-advised Season Pass or two -- just might increase your enjoyment of what you do watch. (or, it might make you go outside once in awhile)