Tuesday, December 30, 2008


In honor of David Wygant's victory in the Sardies, we have a special end of year installment from King of the Douchebags. Sorry, Snrub.

Are You Living A Movie?
Have you ever met somebody, and every time you are with them you feel like the two of you are the lead characters in a movie (while every other person around you is just an extra)? (What?)I am experiencing this right now. (I've never seen a movie where the main character sits at a desk and blogs)
I was actually just walking around today with the most amazing woman,(uh huh) and we both felt like we were in our own little movie. (Jesus! YOU JUST SAID THIS!)It was really interesting, and I want to share something with all of you that I think is the true definition of love. (Get on with it!)
The other day, this woman and I were walking on the promenade in Santa Monica (I guarantee they went to Starbucks) completely off in our own world together. We were walking my dog Daphne, (Thank God we know the precious name of David's fucking dog) holding hands and talking to each other. We walked around checking out store fronts, just enjoying the day and being together. (Snore)
Then we ran into Craig, a friend of mine who actually works with me on weekends, (Is this going anywhere? Does he put any effort into editing?)and who seemed to almost come out of left field. (Almost out of left field? That makes no sense. He either did or he didn't.)Having him approach us kind of broke us out of our zone, and it almost took a minute for it to register that someone was talking to us. (That's called being self centered and dickheaded.)Once it did, however, we talked to Craig for about five minutes and were totally present during that conversation. (Oh, good.)
After we left Craig,(stop saying Craig) we talked about him for about 30 seconds (mostly me filling her in on who he is and how I know him) (thank God David gives us every minutia detail of every fucking conversation he has) and then we went right back into our own little movie. (Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuck you)It was almost like Craig was a minor character who popped in and out of one scene in our movie, and he never crossed our minds again once his mini-appearance in that scene ended. (I'm going to LA and finding him and punching him in the nuts. Seriously.)
It’s not a knock on other people. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to other people. It’s just that when I’m with her, I feel like she and I have created our own movie in which every other person is just an extra. It’s truly an amazing feeling. (Deep, deep exasperated sigh)
That night she and I went out to dinner. The people at the table next to us started talking to us. We were friendly, and engaged in a short conversation with them. The minute we finished that conversation, though, we went immediately back into our own world and our little movie. (WE GET IT!)We were so engrossed in our world, in fact, that it took the waiter two or three approaches to our table before he got our attention. (Oh, waiters love that!)
It’s a beautiful thing to be able to get lost in your own little world with somebody. (Unless you're somebody else) It’s what we are all striving to create. (We are?)We are all striving to create a world with someone where both of you can get lost together. (And the syrup is coming out of the bottle in rapid speed)
It is a world where you share an incredible connection and love with someone. You are so connected that this person you love can tell you a story, and you can actually see the place they’re describing even though you’ve never been there. (Gonna..barf)You see what they saw. (Gorp! Must..keep..bile...down)You can understand exactly what they were thinking. You can feel their emotions. (And out it comes! )
You’re just so connected to that person and to their soul, that you are able to really feel everything they feel even if you haven’t experienced each thing for yourself. (You just said this)That is what this is all about and why we spend so much time working on ourselves. We want to get to the point in our life where we create our own movie with someone in which we are the lead character and every other person is just an extra in the background. (or you're a self centered man child fuckstick)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The SARDIES Nominations Are In!

As founder of this here blog, I am picking the winners - Mr. Leonard Belka.

Winners in RED. "Congrats to all and to all a congrats...." (Mr. Belka drunk speech - circa 1975)

It was July of this year when the Sardonic News Conglomerate made its inaugural post. Although it hasn't been a full year, the staff at the SNC has compiled nominations in several categories for the 2008 SARDIES!

(Nominations are for items mentioned within the confines of this blog)
More, possibly, to follow:

"THE DALEY" (FuckStick of the Year)

David Wygant
Glenn Beck
Jay Marriotti


Dating coaches
New Orleans Dead Body Cover Up (Cynthia McKinney)
Fake Bigfoot Press Conference
Fidelity Contracts


Cynthia McKinney
The guys who took David Wygant's dating seminars
Jay Marriotti
Blago - the Guv


David Wygant - Dating Coach
Brad Berens - Chief content officer for iMedia Communications, who analyzes how media advances change people's behavior.
Marian Salzman - a futurist and trendspotter
Leon James - University of Hawaii professor and expert in the psychology of driving
Dr. Gilda - Relationship Expert

"THE ULTIMATE SARDY AWARD" (a.k.a. I wanted to punch something in the nuts after reading this story....award)







"The Hannity" -(Most Condescending Remark and/or Quote)

From Nov. 13th, "Barack, You Complete Me...":

Psychologist Lester Lefton - "Americans are among the most resilient people on this planet," he says. "We will all be fine. You too, Republicans. For those Americans whose candidate did not prevail, time is your best friend. Eventually you will adjust and recognize the country is not falling apart simply because the 'other' candidate is in office. And soon these proud Americans will begin to refocus their energies."

From Inaugural Post:

Eve Pidgeon - Superparent: "It was nothing for our mothers to send us away for two months. We were their jobs 24 hours a day, so perhaps they needed a respite," Pidgeon says. "They perhaps didn't ache for their kids on a daily basis, as working parents do."

Excerpt from Susan Dominus, Nov. 17th entry:

"....David Fishman, an Upper West Sider who turned 12 last month, decided to take himself out for dinner one night last week. His parents had called him at home to say they were running late, suggesting that he grab some takeout at the usual hummus place. Hummus, again? David thought he could do better than that..."

More Terrorist Ammo....

Are you afflicted with 'TiVo guilt'?

By David Daniel CNN

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Bloated? Overstuffed? Ready to slim down? You're not alone -- and we're not talking about post-Thanksgiving torpor. (Whoa-wha??? Oh. I totally thought you were talking about post-Thanksgiving torpor! Awesome misdirection!)

What's weighing many folks down these days isn't too much turkey, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie, but too much "House," "Grey's Anatomy" and "CSI." (hey, that rhymes! Mr. Daniel you are earning your check, good sir.)

More and more people are becoming turned off by their TiVos. Digital video recorders (DVRs) revolutionized television for many viewers, freeing them from endless VCR programming and buying and keeping track of tapes. But it turns out that very ease is providing users with more than they can watch -- and turning a joy into drudgery. (If DVR maintenance is 'drudgery', then, I think we might need a nuclear blast somewhere in America. Just to thin out the ranks a little bit.)

"You want to watch TV, and what do you have? You turn on your DVR and you have a homework assignment," says Brad Berens, chief content officer for iMedia Communications, who analyzes how media advances change people's behavior. (another bullshit gig I missed out on! Seriously, how do these jobs exist?)

"Economists call this 'opportunity costs,' " explains Berens. "You're sitting there and you have to weigh, well, 'I have to watch this thing, because I promised myself when I told TiVo ... (oh, God. I need bullets...stat!) I want the whole season of that! Go get it! And go get things like it!' (are you speaking to a dog?) And so you've committed to this decision and it's a burden -- suddenly your relaxation has turned into more work." ( There are people losing their jobs on a daily basis, assholes! THIS is the shit you consider a burden?!? FUUUCK YOOOU!)

(I wonder what superstar actress Amanda Peet thinks...) Actress Amanda Peet ("Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," the forthcoming film "What Doesn't Kill You") can relate. (ah, good. Some insight!) She told CNN that her TiVo is filled with programs ranging from the Ken Burns' documentary "The War" (suuuuure it is) to the Sunday morning news shows -- and she's struggling to delete any of it, though much remains unwatched.

"I do have weird OCD where I need to clean out my TiVo," she said. "Like we've had Ken Burns' 'The War' on there forever (repetition in a CNN feature? the HELL you say!) and we're not gonna watch it, like I'm not gonna watch it cause I'm too scared. (scared?) Or we'll have back episodes of um, 'Meet The Press' -- I'm obsessed with my Sunday shows like 'Meet The Press' and 'Face The Nation.' (You're the only one, Amanda. 'Face the Nation'??)... They're like from before the election, I'm like 'I can't [delete them], I have to watch them' and [my husband says], 'It's already happened, you've already read everything you're going to read about this stuff.' " (Number of times she said 'like': 5)

"TiVo guilt" isn't a new development -- a quick Google check (THERE it is! The emblem of journalistic research for the new decade...Google) offers articles using the phrase dating back at least two years -- and it has its parallels with procrastination involving previous technologies. (Who didn't have a stack of never-watched VHS tapes collecting dust?) (the homeless)

But the explosion of TV channels -- not to mention TV shows, movies, music and webisodes available via the Internet (where can I find webisodes? Oh. thanks for the clarification.) -- has made the situation infinitely worse, says Berens.

"With infinite media, you have infinite choices, and therefore you have infinite opportunity costs," he says (without a hint of hyperbole). "Your satisfaction index (.....long exhale...steadyyyy....) of the thing you actually choose can never be equivalent to the infinite opportunity costs, so we're in this position of being behind the cognitive eight-ball all the time." (People like to use big words to sound important - G. Carlin)

Berens and others have written about "eventness," (That's it! I'm done with this guy) the phenomenon of experiencing something in connection with other people (it's called "common experience") The longer a program sits on your DVR before you watch it, goes the theory, the less satisfying an experience it will be. (wow. Berens must double-over in evil laughter when he cashes his paycheck...)

But plenty of people who've never heard of "eventness" or "opportunity costs" (people like, say, everybody in the whole world) are growing alarmed (alarmed? scared? What is this? Dresden circa 1941?) at their ever-increasing DVR playlists.

"I've got three weeks' worth of 'The Mentalist,' (whatever) two weeks worth of 'New Adventures of Old Christine' (fine) and 'Gary Unmarried,' (that lasted two weeks?) three weeks worth of 'Ugly Betty,' (this is still on?) two weeks worth of 'Fringe,' (what the fuck is that?) two 'Inside the Actors Studios,' (well, THAT I can understand. Can't get enough of actors talking about themselves) one 'Shield,' and two 'Without A Traces,' " wrote columnist Elissa Bass of The (New London, Connecticut) Day (circulation: 12) recently, tallying up more than a half-day's worth of programming. "I look at them and I start to wonder: Do I still like this show? Should I just delete them and knock them from my season pass? (yes) Is there really such a thing as too much TV?" (God, NO! Let's not say things we can't take back!)

Fortunately, as the saying goes, recognizing you have a problem is the first step toward a solution, says Berens.
"I think that if you give things a name, that's a wonderfully empowering gesture (Just when I thought I was done with him, he pulls another priceless gem out of his ass)... because now [viewers] know what it is and know that they can take control of their media choices, (because, prior to naming it, they were like retarded apes, punching remotes with their paws) they can take back that remote and hit the delete button and not feel guilty -- all you need to know is that other people are feeling it, and then I think the guilt can go away." (Nothing says 'expert, qualified, psychoanalyst' like a 'chief content officer of IMedia....")

So take heart, sufferers of TiVo Guilt: You're not alone, and deleting month-old programs -- and even an ill-advised Season Pass or two -- just might increase your enjoyment of what you do watch. (or, it might make you go outside once in awhile)

Friday, November 28, 2008

It's Been Awhile Since We've Checked In On This Assbag

Phony balogna bullshit huckster David Wygant is back at it.

Over The River And Through Whole Foods… (barf bag, please)
Over the river and through Whole Foods to anyone’s house we go …

So on this Thanksgiving Day, I wanted to share with all of you my take on the day — as well as a little personal message from me. (Nice sentence. Again. Just one reread is all we're asking, David. One.)

Did you sing that song as a kid — you know, the “Over The River And Through The Woods To Grandmother’s House We Go …” song? (No. I was forced to recite it a few times in music class but I never actually sung it. I'm not a douchebag.) I never really understood the “over the river and through the woods” analogy for Thanksgiving because my Grandmother made the driest turkey this side of the Sahara Desert. (The song's from the 1800s, dumb ass. And....huh?)

We’re about to head into the holiday season. Six weeks of tedious annoying Zales Jewelers commercials, not to mention that lovely $69.00 diamond pendant with diamonds the size of bedbugs. (For those assholes who can't afford 3,000 diamonds. What a bunch of losers!)

What Thanksgiving really kicks off (other than the end of the Chargers’ playoff hopes) (oh, a sports reference. Too bad it's a bad one. The Chargers have been in the playoffs pretty damn consistently for the last 5 years. David has no clue about sports yet he tries to relate.)is the start of the most vulnerable six weeks of the year for singles. Let’s call it “the quest to meet someone before 5-4-3-2-1 woo hoo Happy New Year!” (When I was single I never once thought about this. Not...once.)

I’ve had some great Thanksgiving Days though. I remember a few years ago when I had nothing going on for Thanksgiving. (That does sound great.)So I walked into Whole Foods (fuck you. Is Whole Foods paying this douche?)the day before Thanksgiving and I picked up my Thanksgiving dinner: (stop saying Thanksgiving) a box of Peanut Butter Bumpers and soy milk. (I want to hit him harder than anyone I've ever hit in my life. Soy milk? You fuck stick.)

As I was looking for some pumpkin pie to finish off my sugar rush, I bumped into this really sexy woman who had a cart full of some really great looking food. (Great looking food?)So I started a conversation with her:

DW: “Your dinner looks a lot better than mine.”
Her: “Please tell me that’s not your Thanksgiving dinner.”
DW: “I’d love to tell you it’s not not my Thanksgiving dinner, but that would be a lie. I was going to get Cruchberries, but they were out of them. Crunchberries remind me of my Grandmother’s cranberry sauce and dried out turkey.” (This conversation has never happened. Guaranteed. A running joke here on the David Wygant Watch at SNC)

We proceeded to talk, and she said that she refused to let me eat Peanut Butter Bumpers for Thanksgiving … and I got invited to a Thanksgiving night party with her and seven of her friends. (That is a great story!)

I have a confession to make to all of you — I’ve done that every year I’ve been single. (Oh, what a cad!)

I actually enjoy spending Thanksgiving with total strangers. I mean, didn’t the pilgrims do that before they killed all the Indians? (White guilt--that's not tiring)Then again, my knowledge of history is a little poor at times … (Except when it involves your tedious matchmaking tales)

So if you want to know where I’ll be today, I will be spending the day with my girlfriend and having dinner with friends. (He's so much better than me and my pathetic attempts at spending time with 'family')

On a more serious note, (you were joking?) I do want to wish all of you and your families a very Happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful, and I am thankful for many things this year. A thanks to all of you for letting me come into your hearts, minds … and your computer screens this year. (Oh, no, thank you. You've given me shitloads of material)

Also, a special thank you to all the guys who — once again in overwhelmingly large numbers (6)— were kind enough to send me the feedback I requested yesterday for the upcoming launch of my membership site. (Just a sidenote--God what a cock.)

So Enjoy Turkey Day! (Stop. Just stop. And go to hell.)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Let's Draw Straws To See Who Gets Arkansas

Russian analyst predicts decline and breakup of U.S.

MOSCOW, November 24 (RIA Novosti) - A leading (really?) Russian political analyst has said the economic turmoil in the United States has confirmed his long-held view that the country is heading for collapse, and will divide into separate parts (Listening to blowhard Russians talk sometimes is like calling home to see how the family is doing?  To get an answer to a simple question, you have to wade through a chorus of backstories, posturings, injections of themselves into completely irrelevant stories, declarations of where they stand on such and such and a mountain of qualifications just to get to an answer to the question, "How's Uncle Bob doing?".) .

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily Izvestia published on Monday: "The dollar is not secured by anything (Okay.  He has a mild point here.  America's expected progress when it comes to the value of the dollar is pretty much backed solely by the expected wonderfulness of the American dollar.  Nothing can go wrong with that, huh?). The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche (Check.  Can't argue much with that.  I thought my 20s were irresponsible.), even though in the early 1980s there was no debt.  By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion.  This is a pyramid that can only collapse." (Okay.  Now define 'collapse'.)

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events.

When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing.  Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving.  Their losses are the biggest in history.  Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator." (Um...Igor.  Europe, by nearly everyone's financial assessment, is in worse shape than us.  So who's going to take the throne?  The National Bank of Djibouti?  The 'reliably' stable markets of Russia?  C'mon.)

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves (Possible.  Some say if they play their cards right, China's the winner here.  If they don't, they're in the crapper...like the rest of us.), and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia." (Now there's a country with a track record for transparency and a beacon for the greater good to take us through the next century.)

Asked why he expected the U.S. to break up into separate parts (Wow.  Not only the meanderings of the stupid, but fun stupid.  Christo excited.), he said: "A whole range of reasons.  Firstly, the financial problems in the U.S. will get worse.  Millions of citizens there have lost their savings.  Prices (What?  I just filled up for a $1.93/gallon in Elmhurst Monday.) and unemployment are on the rise.  General Motors and Ford are on the verge of collapse (20 year curve, there.), and this means that whole cities will be left without work.  Governors are already insistently demanding money from the federal center (And aren't going to get it.  Blame the stupid-ass states who thought a mandatory, constitutional balanced budget was a good idea.  And a weird 90s conservative philosophy.  Deficits aren't always bad, people!).  Dissatisfaction is growing, and at the moment it is only being held back by the elections and the hope that Obama can work miracles.  But by spring, it will be clear that there are no miracles." (This is a growing sentiment among idiots.  Apparently, Obama has exactly three months to right a disaster that took 10 years to wrought.  Only in America.  Well, apparently not.  Sit back, relax, strap it down.  We're going to be here awhile with this recession/depression/calamity/"We're all going to die!

He also cited the "vulnerable political setup", "lack of unified national laws", and "divisions among the elite, which have become clear in these crisis conditions." (Vague enough for ya?  Can't you use those three things to explain every kind of crisis in the history of history?  French Revolution?  Check.  Russian Revolution?  Check.  And so on and so on.  Sounds like one of my Political Science papers in college.  'Vulnerable political setup' opened every third paragraph.)

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong. (BHAHAHAHA!!!!  Canada gets New York!  The Sioux gets Iowa!  The Asians get Seattle!  Texas secedes!  Well.  I might be able to get behind that.)  

He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all." (Insert Sarah Palin joke here.)

On the fate of the U.S. dollar, he said: "In 2006 a secret agreement was reached between Canada, Mexico and the U.S. on a common Amero currency as a new monetary unit.  This could signal preparations to replace the dollar.  The one-hundred dollar bills that have flooded the world could be simply frozen.  Under the pretext, let's say, that terrorists are forging them and they need to be checked." (What?  No reference to Jews taking over the world?  C'mon.  If you're going to talk like a nut-bag, at least do it right.)

When asked how Russia should react to his vision of the future, Panarin said: "Develop the ruble as a regional currency. Create a fully functioning oil exchange, trading in rubles... We must break the strings tying us to the financial Titanic, which in my view will soon sink." (And we all know how historically stable the ruble is.)

Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare. (Scintillating reads, I'm sure.  And is the Diplomatic Academy hiring?  Talk about a Fun.  Place.  To work!  Igor, you had me at 'Amero currency'.  You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me haaapppyy, when skies are gray...)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Lance Briggs Has the Pulse of the Team....

Has money changed them? Briggs says no

November 21, 2008

One of the big fears in free agency, as Bears general manager Jerry Angelo has testified for years, is writing a big check for the great unknown. (that's a lot different than signing sure-bet draft picks, I guess)

It's why the Bears like to reward their own players (for finishing a fantastic 7-9 in 2007), comfortably investing in what they do know. After the kind of money they spent the last two years, though, the question has to be asked: Have players become complacent after their windfalls? (the HELL you say!)

Something has to explain the same group of players falling from near the top of the NFL in defense to 19th. (yeah. It's called complacency. You answered it in your question, Brad)

''Basically, you're saying that you get some money, so you don't play as hard as you did before you got the contract,'' linebacker Lance Briggs said. ''I've heard it happens. ("What's a murder?" - Fat Tony) I can only speak for myself. I've always played the game the same way (Tasmanian Devil-like). Been no changes -- there's never going to be a change. (..especially after I bitched, moaned, threatened to leave, demanded a trade and, eventually, after holding management hostage in contract negotiations, got my way and a ton of cash thrown at me. Hell NO, you won't see me changin'!I play hard no matter what!)

''I've played with the guys here for a long time (four years), and there's no way you can convince me that these guys are playing satisfied (the preferred euphemism for 'shitty and lazy'). ... These guys, if you even look at the fourth quarter of the last game, getting beat (shellacked) 37-3, there's guys that are still fighting (in compliance with their contract) to get to that ball carrier to make some stops (in order to collect on the incentive bonuses based on number of tackles made in a season.....) . So, no. Poor execution, poor play, yes. But satisfied? Not this group.''

In his weekly visit with the media (that's big of him), Briggs reiterated that the Bears can return to greatness when they have the desire to do so. Why, then, hasn't the defense decided to turn it on yet? (nothing like a legitimate question to bring out the bullshit....here it comes.)

''We know what we have been (7-9 in a shitty division), I know what we can be (6-5 in a shitty division),'' Briggs said, ''and the thing about it is we're fighting for something right now (as opposed to the beginning of the season), and that's what we have to do. I said this defense will play great football when we decide (ooooooooh...thaaaaaat's all it takes? NOW, I get it. It's when you "decide" to play "great football". And, that doesn't seem to occur to you when you cash your payroll checks? I see. Makes sense) . Our problems are not from our coaching (sure), it's not from the technique, it's not from the defense (37 points to Green Bay, Lance, tells a different story). It is within ourselves, and that's something that we have to solve within our own selves, within our group.''

OK, so what's the holdup? (Biggs, stop it! You're making me like a SunTimes reporter....)

''I can't answer that question for you because it's an in-house problem,'' he said. ''That's something that we have to solve among ourselves.'' (Could you repeat that, please? I didn't hear it the first four times you said it.)

Monday, November 17, 2008

2032's Jeffrey Steingarten


Everyone’s a critic, and apparently it’s never too soon to start (De-bat-a-ble!).

That’s why David Fishman, an Upper West Sider who turned 12 last month (glurp...ump...CAAAACKKK...(wipes mouth) excuse me.  I better pace myself on this one.  Could get messy.), decided to take himself out for dinner one night last week. His parents had called him at home to say they were running late, suggesting that he grab some takeout at the usual hummus place (Oh, they're soooo New York!  And Susan was soooo casual in dropping that one in.).

Hummus, again? (Ahem...) David thought he could do better than that (Fuck that fuckin' boring-ass gruel) .

He had recently passed by the newly opened Salumeria Rosi, a few blocks from his home, and had been intrigued by the reflective black back wall, the cuts of dried pork hanging from the ceiling, the little jars of cured olives and artichokes adorning the walls. If it was O.K. with his mom (and it turned out it was), he wanted to try that instead (Anyone thinking Susan's the mommy here?  Or better yet, she wants to steal little David Fishman because he's just too fucking adorable for words in her eyes.)  

David aspires to be a food critic (You'd think it would be tough to hate 12 year-olds.  I hate David...with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns.  And I don't even know him.) — he has some vague notion that he could make a living writing for the Zagat guides — and the new Italian spot on Amsterdam Avenue near 73rd Street seemed worthy of investigation (Or his forthcoming dumb-ass observations that all of us are supposed to find cute, just like Susan did.).

That night, Tuesday, turned out to be one of the first that the restaurant was open to the public. David requested a menu, which the hostess handed him, and decided that it was within his budget ($25).  Then he asked for a table for one and waited to see what she’d say.  A year before, he had been turned away from a half-empty restaurant in Montauk and told that it did not serve children unaccompanied by adults. (Hey!  Susan!  It's a liability thing, you stupid...!)  “I was angry, but I didn’t show it,” (He's so brave!) he said. “What can you do?” (And existential!  That's a deadly combo.  He'll go far in life.  Susan thinks so.)

Grown-up or not, tables were hard to come by that evening — every seat was booked, mostly by friends of the chef and owner, Cesare Casella, the Tuscan impresario behind Maremma in the West Village.  Even a boldfaced name dropped by (Tony Danza (Well...c'mon...what else does Tony have to do?), who, to the David Fishmans of the world, is just another old fogy).  But the hostess decided to squeeze in the Salumeria’s first unaccompanied customer under 4 feet 8 (...lil' chunk), as long as he promised to be out by 8 p.m.  It was a deal.

Nobody at the restaurant seemed terribly impressed by Tony Danza (Again...weeeelll...c'mon), but David Fishman — now that was something.  People tried not to stare, but couldn’t help themselves.  Where were his parents?  Was he enjoying the food?  Cash or credit? (Okay.  Was Susan at the restaurant that night?  If she was, that should probably be disclosed.  If not, knock out the atmospheric speculation!)

Normally passionate for seafood, (Somebody call the Pope.  We have a second confirmed instance of immaculate conception.  Susan just got pregnant simply by writing a story about a fucking 12 year-old aspiring food critic.  No dick or nothin'.  Just a little David in the oven.  She wants, nay, needs a little David in her life.  Because all the fawning over the little shit will, by extension, spills over onto her.) David ordered a specialty of the restaurant, a prosciutto, as well as what the menu called una insalata di rucola e parmigiano (That's the specialty?  A prosciutto, arugula and parmesan salad?  Good luck with that, guys.). “Good variety,” (I'm sold.) he wrote in the leather-bound notebook he brought along, restaurant-critic-like. “Softish jazz music.  Seem to enjoy kids but not overly.” In other words, no cloying smiles or insulting offer of grilled cheese. (WWWWHHHHHOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!!!  Fuck you fucking people that write and think this fucking shit!!!!!!  95% of all kids and parents desperately want grilled cheeese and corn dogs and mini pizzas and mini burgers and mac-n-cheese!!!!!  Shut up, shut up , shut up!  Who's next?!  And let me relay a story here.  Last night, I was waiting on a table of two parents and two kids.  As I was reciting the specials, one of the little shits kept trying to interrupt me with the typical nonsensical blather that I'm apparently supposed to find cute.  I don't know what the little shit was saying.  I wasn't paying attention.  But I did catch the last little stupid-ass nugget.  The little 4 year old said, "I want Thai food!"  As I held back the projectile vomit from that crap, the mother said, "I bet you don't have many children ask you for Thai food, do you?"  Now, I don't want to pat myself on the back too much here but...I gave her the best deadpan stare I've given in years.  Such a wonderful look of embarrassment washed over her face that it just made my night.  You fucking parents who think it's okay to let your kids think they should be treated like adults in restaurants can suck my hairy, blue-veined left nut.  But I digress.)  

An Australian couple seated beside him struck up a conversation — he had no idea how much the financial collapse here was affecting the Australian dollar! — and a young couple on the other side of his table insisted, against his polite but firm protestations, on buying him a chocolate mousse.  In turn, he recommended that they try the arugula salad (Oh JHC!  Be more saccharine, Susan!

The kitchen workers were so intrigued by the young adventurous eater that they sent out a bowl of complimentary tripe stew, which he enjoyed, although, he allowed, “It wasn’t my favorite.” He was a little surprised to learn, subsequently, that tripe was prepared intestines. (Alright, I won't be too tough on him (or her) here.  I waited on a 50 year-old woman who didn't know what arugula was.  Not 'didn't know the difference from spinach'.  She'd never HEARD of it!  50.  Years.  Old.) His eyes went wide. “Intestines of what?” he asked. (Somehow, that seemed to matter.) (<---Not mine...and thank all that is holy for that!)

Food is David’s life — well, food and swimming and volunteering (Just volunteering.  No specifics.  He just volunteers.) and student council and green rooftops (his school, Fieldston, has one).  But he really likes food. (Pick that up, would you Dierdre?)  At 6, he won a competition at the Crumbs Bakery for the best new cupcake concept (Well, bully for him!  I won a cake walk at Camanche Days once.) (David’s Peppermint Patty Cupcake). As a prize, he got a free cupcake every Wednesday for a year — and then, even though he wasn’t technically supposed to, for more than a year after that. Sadly, eventually all the people who worked there were replaced. “Now they don’t know anything about it,” he said (12 year-old scammer in my book...but...nothing different from any food critic I've ever experienced so he's on track.).

BUT the young foodie has cultivated a new fan in Chef Casella, a burly man who generally tours his restaurants with a trademark sprig of herb in his pocket. (Rebel.)  Mr. Casella came over the evening of David’s big night out to extend a greeting, and sent him home with a gift of fine hazelnut spread.  Though David was disappointed that the restaurant did not serve gelato, he got points with Mr. Casella for knowing a little something about Italian cuisine (What?  Because the little terd knew what gelato was?  Ugh.).

“He reminded me of me, when I was younger,” (Oh, you were a douche-bag as well?  It's important to be honest with yourself, I guess.) said Mr. Casella, who used to drive all over Europe by himself to try the best restaurants. “He is so cool, though — more confident than I am when I eat out by myself.”  (Um...really?  Butch up, Sally.)

Mr. Casella likewise made an impression on David. “He looked like a real meat guy,” (Read:  Fat-ass Italian with a protruding gut.) David said. Like a butcher? “Like a butcher-slash-guy who would eat a lot of meat,” (OH, HOLY FUCK!  If he actually said 'slash', let's employ all the 12 year-old bullies at Fieldston to beat the living shit out of this nerd.) he clarified.

As independent as David is, he is not allowed to walk around much after dark (Much?!  Given a different context, this shit would be abandonment and parental neglect.  Call DCFS.  I don't think 'much' is part of the equation.) by himself, so his mom swung by the restaurant to pick him up when he called.  Once home, he wrote up the review, Zagat-style, in his private journal, giving the restaurant a 24 out of 25 for food, and a 23 out of 25 for d├ęcor.  (A 12 year-old Gene Shalit in the making.  Or just Gene Shalit.  Six of one...)

“As I left,” he wrote, “I knew that soon enough this would be one of the most ‘hip’ places in the city.” If there was a weak spot, it was the service, in his opinion: 21 out of 25. In his notes, David remarked that the bread service was a little slow. (Yeah.  Be petty about the free shit.)

“I agree,” the chef said when presented with the critique. “We’re working on it.” (Placating 12 year-olds.  Good start, guys.)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Barack, You Complete Me....

The votes are all tallied ... now what?
Activists seek ways to redirect campaign energy

November 11, 2008

Betsy Storm is elated -- and yet somehow at loose ends.

The Chicago volunteer worked on Barack Obama's campaign for 18 months, hosting college kids for "Camp Obama," (where they earned Merit Badges for "Speechifyin'" and "Hillary Bashing") making lunches for campaign staff, phone banking, traveling to Iowa (wow. That WAS a sacrifice!). She even designed a "Mamas for Obama Know the Power of Voting" (Jesus. Does this shirt need an appendix?) T-shirt that raised $1,000 for the campaign (Obama couldn't have won it without it).

Betsy ("The Hurricane") Storm collected (stole) a lot of Barack Obama memorabilia during her 18 months as a Chicago campaign volunteer. (O.J. and his posse might come looking for it, so, be armed) Those who took an active role in the campaign could have trouble filling the void after the election.

So what is she supposed to do now? (There's nothing left to accomplish, really. He won. America is back to being awesome) "The thrill of a winning campaign, especially a historic event like this one, is a tough act to follow," Storm says.

And Republicans who didn't see their candidate win office arguably feel worse. (so, let's not interview them)

Even if you weren't actively campaigning, odds are that you were keeping up with the race on the cable nightly talk shows, or obsessively clicking online for the latest poll results, or opining loudly about Sarah Palin's wardrobe ethics. (....unless, ya' know, you had a LIFE)

It was all-consuming entertainment of the first order.

And now you feel ... empty. How do you fill this void? (Spackle)

Psychologist Lester Lefton advises us to to take heart. "Americans are among the most resilient people on this planet," he says. "We will all be fine." (just look at the stock market for proof!)

You too, Republicans. "For those Americans whose candidate did not prevail, time is your best friend," Lester says. "Eventually you will adjust and recognize the country is not falling apart simply because the 'other' candidate is in office. And soon these proud Americans will begin to refocus their energies." (Finalist for "Most Condescending Remark" award for 2008!)

Miggie ("went wee-wee-wee all the way home") Greenberg, assistant professor of psychiatry at Saint Louis University (Odds of Miggie being a personal friend of Paige Wiser: 89%) , says this transitional time is an opportunity. "We can use our newly reclaimed time in other types of civic involvement, like volunteering for a cause we believe in, or we can rediscover hobbies that have been placed on the back burner (Whaaa? Because, you just didn't have time for hobbies during the election?? Jesus, people....) ," Greenberg says. "It's also important to reconnect with other people who share our same values, which can be validating." (or exclusionary)

"And, if all else fails to cheer you up, remember -- the next presidential election is only four short years away." (And, you can go back to diverting yourselves from your pathetic, worthless lives again!)

A few suggestions for post-election pastimes:

1. "The first thing to obsess on is what kind of dog they're going to get," says Marian Salzman, a futurist and trendspotter. (How do you land that gig? Seriously. Futurist? Trendspotter? Wasn't Ewan McGregor in that movie?)

2. If you're addicted to polls, visit http://www.buzzdash.com/. (and do us all a favor and stay home) It's a social polling site with more than 13,000 live polls -- and a participant named "Chicago Mike" who is given to asking questions like, "Who would win if the 1972 Dolphins played the 1942 Chicago Bears?" (......urge to kill rising.....)

3. Train for a marathon. Imagine if you redirected all that mental energy into physical energy. (If it's me, that mental energy would result in exactly one lap around my neighborhood park)

4. Publicly endorse a candidate for the Oscar race. (.............hilarious)

5. Get involved in community service. "The really wonderful thing we've learned from the Obama campaign is that people can make an incremental difference by giving $2 and $5, (I learned that in church, not a fucking political campaign....okay....now, I'm getting pissed off) ." Salzman says. "You don't have to be a large donor to make a difference. And I think that's a message of real hope for people." Betsy Storm plans to step up her work with Heifer International. (Either affiliated with Playboy or a company run by cows)

6. Work for the environment, either by greening (ugh) your own life or getting out the word to others (because there's nothing people like more than being preached to about the environment) . You can never do enough -- and it's a cause that's not likely to resolve itself anytime soon. (no shit?)

7. Fall in love. Barack and Michelle Obama, a genuinely loving partnership (as evidenced by their fist-pump), could set the tone for the country. (because, ya' know, George and Laura hated each other) This is not likely to be a "Sex and the City" era (??!?!?!) , but a time to settle down. It makes good financial sense, too. (but, fall in love first. That's the 'easy' part)

8. Spend more time with your family, and entertain at home. Until the economy sorts itself out, the emphasis will be on simple pleasures. "We'll be eating a lot of very good soup," Salzman predicts. (Trendspotter and futurist, indeed.)


Monday, November 3, 2008

Pithy nothings.

In next president, let's see respect, not just swagger

Dawn Turner Trice
November 3, 2008

I want a president who understands that Article II of our Constitution doesn't give us an overly elaborate description of what the presidency should be. So he (or one day, she) (....hopefully, 'sir' - Simpsons reference #21 from the SNC) has to check himself, understanding that his powers are immense but not boundless. He should neither exploit them nor abuse them.

I want a president who appreciates that he is the embodiment and caretaker of an institution in which Americans of every hue see the best of our country and ourselves reflected back. (What in jumping Caesar's catfish are you talking about? I've read this sentence ten times now and I'm still lost)

I want a president who has the intellectual heft needed to help us dig out of our various holes. (I beg your pardon?) I'm not interested in a "Joe the President." (what if his last name is 'Biden'?)He and I won't ever need to sit down and have a beer, or throw back a few shots of hard liquor or even go bowling. (even go bowling?!? Whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back, there, Dawn!) We've had an everyman; we know how far a false swagger can take us.

I want a president who is curious about the world around him—a president who neither thinks as an ideologue nor speaks in sound bites; who neither believes that issues are simply black and white, nor thinks as if they are. (...not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.....Monty Python reference #26 for SNC)

I want a president who recognizes that he doesn't know everything, so he surrounds himself with people—from both sides of the aisle (because, ya' know, there are only TWO sides) and from opposing viewpoints—who can help fill in the gaps.

I want a president with whom I can "laugh with" as opposed to "laugh at." (did ya'....did ya' see what she did there? How she took the preposition...and...how she...awesome.)

I want a president who wants to hear what scientists say about global warming and then work to effect change. (even if what they hear from scientists is a load of bullshit, I still want them to effect change. And, what the fuck does 'effect change' mean, anyway? I'm getting a little tired of that empty catch-phrase.)

I want a president who appreciates green spaces and sees the importance of creating bicycle and walking pathway systems that rival our interstate highway system. (Look at me! I ride a bike!)

I want a president who has the discipline and stamina of a marathoner and the heart and dig of the best little leaguer. (Look at me! I run marathons!.....and little leaguers suck at baseball. I don't care how much heart they have. Instead, I want a Major Leaguer that falls out of bed a better ballplayer than 99% of the population.)

I want a president who loves the arts and believes in growing national treasures such as the great (now late) Studs Terkel who can write about average Americans with nuance and humanity. (What if the president thought Studs Terkel was a shitty writer? Seriously. So what? Doesn't mean he hates the arts because YOU think he's a growing national treasure, does it?)

I want a president who has convictions but knows when to let go. (...sigh)

I want a president who is loyal to his friends but not loyal to a fault. (unless I would happen to be one of his friends...then, it's okay)

I want a president who can bring an end to our wars and take the billions of dollars being spent overseas and invest them in more affordable health care and education systems here at home. If the movie 'Dave' taught us nothing else, it's that complex problems can be solved with an overly-simplistic, idealistic approach. Shouldn't we hire Charles Grodin to advise?)

I want a president who will not turn over his job to the vice president (except when going under general anesthesia). (is that another 'Dave' reference?)

I want a president who can convey to the country (and through his actions at the helm of government) that there really is no such thing as a free ride or easy credit. And beware of "No money down." (Jesus. Just watch Suzy Orman......If you need the president to tell you that, you've got a lot more problems than bad debt.)

I want a president who can explain, as he might to a daughter, why we should pay our own way so that we're not beholden to anybody. (Yes, by all means, Mr. President, talk to me like a child. I appreciate you dumbing it down)

I want a president who knows that there are still parts of our country where mountains appear purple and amber-colored grain waves and steel buildings stand at attention. And yet our true measure is not how anything looks on the outside, but who we are on the inside. (but, we still need government to take away some of my individual responsibility.....) That will be the America revered beyond our shores.

I want a president who can continue to inspire and electrify as well as remind us that even in our darkest hours there's much to believe in. (ya' know? Come to think of it, a president full of bullshit would be a nice change of pace! I can't recall an unrealistically positive, rah-rah State of the Union Address in my lifetime. A change would be nice!) It's not enough that tens of millions of people have viewed the presidential debates and already have come out in early voting. (sure it is. Ratings. Mean. Everything.) After Tuesday, the real work begins and Americans must stay engaged.

Most of all, I want a president who—after solemnly swearing or affirming that he will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States and will, to the best of his ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States—goes about the business of doing so. (I think Dawn needed to fulfill her word count quota....best to just copy and paste the Oath of Office into the column.)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Depression? Don't tell me, I was there!

By Bill Wundram

With the ups and downs of the stock market and bailouts, there are rumblings of another depression.  It gives me the shakes (And poor man's gout...dropsy...the vapors...dum dum fever...the staggers...). What I’m telling you, boys and girls, is that the Great Depression of the 1930s was awful. The pits (Thanks, Opie.).

Grownups today worry about credit card debt while sipping $4 lattes. But they still buy lattes.  Every other kid in high school has a cell phone.

During the Great Depression, you scraped to buy MJB Coffee for 39 cents a pound (And we never used a cup. We had to drink it out of a rolled-up newspaper...or suck on a damp piece of cloth.), and plenty of Tri-City (before we became the Quads) homes did without their telephones because they couldn’t afford them.

I remember.  I was just a little kid, and grew up to a punk during the Great Depression. I would wake up to the hoot of the whistle atop Davenport Locomotive Works, where no one had a job because the place closed.  But the whistle blew daily at 6 a.m.  It was supposed to be a lame reassurance to its west-end workers that some day, they would again have jobs.

I would peek out the pantry window and see our next-door neighbor, Frank Bauer, sitting on the back steps looking at his shoe strings.  He used to work at the Locomotive Works but now had nothing to do (So he looked at his shoe strings? That's the best he could come up with?  What about a quick game of stickball?  Or kick the Irish?).

I remember how my Dad was such a soft touch for hungry hobos.  There was supposed to be some secret mark on the sidewalk, or a check on the side of a house where the dog was friendly, or occupants were good for a handout.  If the transient, no matter how shabby, wore a necktie, my Dad invited him to sit at our kitchen table for hot java and a sandwich.  He believed the necktie was a sign of an ex-businessman whose life had gone sour.  Hobos without neckties would still be fed, but they had to sit on the porch to eat (Translation:  The necktie-less (or not) black guys sat on the porch.).

Just about everyone was on a downer.  One out of every three Tri-City residents was out of a job.  There were no such things as unemployment checks or Social Security (Aaahh, the good old days...).  If you lost your job, you were out of luck. My Dad had lost his job.  How he scraped up enough money to open a corner grocery store, I’ll never know.  He kept a bone box under the butcher block.  Raw bones were tossed there, to give away to destitute families for stewing (Take that ham hock with some carrots and onions and you got a stew goin'.).

Grapefruit was cheap.  I remember one father saying, “If the kids want grapefruit, they’ll have to put on salt.  I can’t afford sugar.” (THAT'S why my mom dumps a shitload of salt on her cantaloupe!)

The Great Depression left me with stinging memories of thrift.  I had only two outfits to wear to school — a green sweater and a maroon sweater — for a whole school year. (I never pictured a smelly Bill Wundrum.  Now I have.  Thanks.)

There was no money for entertainment.   Once, we took the nickel trolley downtown to watch an artist sculpt statues out of sand beneath the Government Bridge (Yes, yes, yes. It was a nickel.  And people made $3000 a year then.  They average $45,000 a year today and a bus trip is probably $.75 now in the former Tri-Cities (glurp).  Same rate of inflation, you dope.).  He worked for whatever coins sympathetic people dropped into a tin can. I remember his creased, sad face.

The Tri-Cities was like Steinbeck’s “Grapes of Wrath,” because people traveled in beat-up contraptions called cars (That's why they're similar?).  One bearded geezer camped with his cart of goats in Blessing’s Gardens, selling postcards for two cents.  He gave me one because I fetched his goats some water (One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere.  Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville.  I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days...goats?).

The only good thing I remember is my Dad following the advice of his hero, Franklin Roosevelt, who said during one of his fireside chats, “Cheer up. Go to the movies and see Shirley Temple.”  We all piled into the old Essex and saw the dimpled darling sing, “On the good ship Lollypop ...” (Thank you for allowing me to write this.  It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could ramble on in a newspaper like the incoherent, crusty old man I am.)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Finally! Getting to what REALLY Matters!

World Series likely to strike out in ratings

By Paul J. Gough
Hollywood Reporter (the absolute best source for sporting news!)

LOS ANGELES - With Sunday night's seventh game of the American League Championship Series drawing record ratings for TBS (what? They outdrew 'My Boys'?!?) , Fox Sports is hoping that some of that magic rubs off on the baseball World Series.

Good luck. (zing!)

The matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and Tampa Bay Rays, however exciting in terms of baseball purism (You know, purism - Tampa Bay, astroturf, domes...) , isn't likely to set the TV ratings world afire. In fact, some fear it could be the lowest-rated World Series ever. (whatever shall we do?)

"You could hear the groans (bitchy whining) coming up because it isn't the Red Sox-Dodgers," said Aaron Cohen, chief media negotiator at New York-based ad buyer Horizon Media. (Shake it off, nutsack. Tough shit.)

Fox's World Series hopes started off promising, with the Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Jesus. We still calling them that?), Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox — all representing major TV markets — in the playoffs.

But the Cubs, Angels and White Sox fell in the first round and the Dodgers were eliminated by the Phillies in the National League Championship Series. (Wow. Somehow, I didn't think there would be a silver lining to the White Sox losing, but, knowing these d-bags are suffering makes it worthwhile!) The low-profile Rays, the worst team in baseball last year, then finished off the defending champion Red Sox on Sunday night. (Booooooooooooooooooooring!)

Cohen said that working against the World Series, which begins Wednesday in St. Petersburg, Fla., is the fact that there are two East Coast teams (that aren't New York or Boston). A series that lasts the minimum of four games would also hurt the ratings. (no shit? I can see how you rose through the ranks. I tip my cap, good sir...)

"I don't think it's going to be a barn burner," Cohen said. (And he's highly-qualified to predict games because he's a media buying negotiator for......zzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

In the past 10 years, the highest-rated Fall Classic was the seven-game Florida Marlins-Cleveland Indians matchup (two high-profile juggernauts), which averaged a 16.7 rating/29 share, or about 24.8 million viewers.

There have only been three others since then to go over 15 (shame!), most recently the 2004 Series in which Boston ended an 86-year drought to beat the St. Louis Cardinals in four straight.

But Sports president Ed Goren (there's a 'President of Sports'? Wow. All hail, Ed Goren!) remains optimistic. "These two markets will do well. It's not just about the matchups," he said. "As important as anything else is the length of the series and the volume. (just like porn) If we get six or seven games, we'll outrate last year's Red Sox World Series." (....and the other team they played...)

Goren looks to the 1997 Series, with a relatively unknown Marlins up against the Indians. Game 7 averaged a 24.5 rating (38 million viewers) as Florida won.

"Imagine a 16.7 rating for seven nights? (You may saaaay I'm a dreamer....) That's an unheard of number (no. I've heard of 16.7. It's a real number)... but I think there are parallels here," Goren said.

"The last two (Red Sox-Rays) games certainly helped build toward the World Series, and hopefully we'll keep it going," he added. (Indeed, it's not up to the teams. It's up to sports television, Mr. President. Well put.)

Sunday night's Game 7 averaged 13.3 million viewers, making it the highest-rated baseball game in cable history (baseball's dead) and the top-rated telecast on any kind on TBS, Nielsen Media Research said. A Chicago Cubs-St. Louis Cardinals game on ESPN in 1998 which the Cards' Mark McGwire tied the single-season home run record was cable's previous best. (but, those numbers were chemically enhanced)

Friday, October 17, 2008

I Want What Dick Morris Is Smoking

Fox News Suck Ass Dick Morris has an Op-Ed piece for Rasmussen Reports which is a nice piece of revisionist history.

Mac's Shot at a Late-Game Win
A Commentary by Dick Morris
Friday, October 17, 2008
The short term impact of the third debate will be to help Barack Obama. But the long term implications may give John McCain a needed boost. (Long term? It's 2 weeks away. I'm sure McCain will be thrilled to know he's winning in the polls on December 23rd)Obama looked good, but McCain opened the tax-and-spend issue in a way that might prevail.

Obama took the worst that McCain could hand out and came out looking good. (A dead fish could look good next to McCain. He looks like a cadaver) McCain was the more aggressive debater,(ie whiney and petulant) but Obama looked like the better president. (Yet McCain won a PRESIDENTIAL debate?)The constants of the debate remained. Obama is smoother, prettier, younger and more presidential. But McCain had a feisty appeal, a Trumanesque approach that may resonate in these times of anger and unrest. (That won in 1948)

Obama seemed to rise above the charges and show his reasonableness and his ability to inspire confidence. McCain was like a trial lawyer, hammering out his points, but Obama came across with dignity. (Dignity and poise..what a loser)

Finally, John McCain came out swinging. (Feistyness = good. Is this Phil Rogers ?) In his feisty, aggressive style, he scored key points on spending and taxes. (he didn't say anything different than the first 2 debates. He just said them in a more exasperated tone) Coherent in a way that he has not been in previous debates, (i.e angrier) McCain repeatedly turned Obama's spending plans against the Democratic candidate. (by telling us about his gigantic spending plans)The continued invocation of Joe the Plumber brought a populist edge to the tax issue that it has lacked since Ronald Reagan. (and made 60% of the population want to throw a shoe at the tv)

Strategically, every debate is a chance to ratify the issues that will dominate the weeks that follow. McCain and Obama both made taxes and spending the key issues of the future. With Obama opposing a spending freeze and billing it as a hatchet as opposed to a scalpel, McCain was able to push the Democrat into an uncomfortable position. (Umm...were you watching the same debate as me, Dick?)

McCain has now established the tax issue in a way he has not been able to do so far in the contest. (Louder)Now he can widen the gap between the campaigns on this key issue. (Widen? Obama's leading, Dick. If McCain is widening, he's in trouble.)If the Republicans concentrate their campaign on the key issue of taxes and abandon the other lines of attack, they can use the lines developed in this debate to do better and better as Election Day nears. (and maybe carry North Dakota. Shoot for the stars!)

There was no knockout in this debate. (So, when is it coming?)Obama emerged with class and charisma from a slugfest. He seemed to be the kind of man we want as president. But McCain was able to set up the tax issue in a way that could eventually close the gap. (A man I want as President vs. a guy still trumpeting words like "voucher" and "Tax and spend)

Remember 1992. Clinton had a big lead over George Bush Sr. with three weeks to go. But then Bush and Quayle hammered him over the tax issue and his big spending plans. Day after day, the Republicans gained, and Clinton fell back. (What?) By the Thursday before the Tuesday election, Bush had gained the lead. (This is complete fiction. No poll before the election had Bush in the lead. Not one.)Ultimately Clinton was saved at the bell by the announcement by Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh that he was going to indict Bush's Defense Secretary Cap Weinberger. (and the fact the economy was in the tank)That restored the Clinton lead and delivered the victory to him. (Man, Republicans never actually lose an election do they? It's always some last minute bamboozle the media throws at them)

McCain is not as good on television as Obama is. So the immediate impact of the debate was to help Obama. (2 weeks to go)

But the tax-and-spend issue is the one that Republicans want at the center of the race, and McCain put it there. (if it was 1984)

So this may turn out to have been a turning point for McCain, after all. (Slaps forehead)

Views expressed in this column are those of the author, not those of Rasmussen Reports.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ted Nugent: Fuckstick of the Week

Colossal prick and Shooter of Animals Ted Nugent went on Hannity and Colmes last night and here's what this asshole (Nugent, not Hannity. Well, Hannity as well.) had to say:

Rocker Ted Nugent Discusses His New Book
Tuesday, October 14, 2008

This is a rush transcript from "Hannity & Colmes," October 13, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: Our next guest is well known to legions of rock 'n' roll fans, (Uncles everywhere) but he's here to unveil his brand-new book on politics, "Ted, White and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto." (Ugh)Joining us now with his no-holds-barred (Ugh again) plan to attack what he calls the problems that are gutting our nation, rock star, friend, author, Ted Nugent.
All right, Ted, you know what? I'm very simple. (No shit) I want politicians — I don't care what party. I want you to be fiscally responsible. I don't want you to wave the right flag of surrender like Obama. (He doesn't care what party..Right)I want to stay on offense on the war on terror. I want energy independence, including drilling and nuclear power. And I want immigration — I want our borders secure. (By demonizing brown people who work at McDonalds)
Am I close to the manifesto?
TED NUGENT, AUTHOR, "TED, WHITE AND BLUE": Sean, you're my American blood brother. Yes, the manifesto, "Ted, White and Blue," is just a celebration of the logic, the pragmatism that you outline every day. And it's alive and well across this country.
I had the greatest tour of my life, 71 rock-outs in 81 days, (County fairs and tractor pulls) and in every nook and cranny of this nation,(Podunk backwater burgs) goodwill, decency, honesty, rugged individualism and, most important, accountability from we. the people. is alive and well. (Nothing subliminally racist there at all)
NUGENT: We'd like — we'd like Fedzilla (Up all night) to show a little bit of accountability, and that's what we're demanding.
HANNITY: One of the things you said — I sat there, and I said, "This makes sense." (Sean will start sucking Ted's dick at some point)It's refuse to fund health care for people who don't care, you know, about their own health. And that means people that are — use drugs, that drink and smoke and are destroying their own lives. (Christian compassion at its best right there, Sean. God, what an ass.)
You know, that's — believe it or not, that's considered controversial, Ted. Not that that bothers you, by the way. (Hard hitting interview)
NUGENT: No, no. That doesn't bother me at all. You know, I'm speaking on behalf of not just the Nugent family. (I'm speaking for thousands of Cro Magnon douche bags everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean Texas) We wake up extra early every day and put our heart and soul into being the best that we can be. (Oh, fuck off)And we would never be so irresponsible to expect someone else to cover our health care if we don't conduct ourselves in a responsible fashion and actually care about our health. (So, if Ted gets cancer because of air pollution or breaks his back because he fell on the ice he shouldn't get health care because he shouldn't be walking around there anyway. Nice logic, dickface)
HANNITY: Let me...
NUGENT: Remember, Sean, I'm not alone on this. (Don't we know)There's a huge, powerful, positive force in America that still, you know, conducts themselves in an accountable fashion, and this book celebrates that.
HANNITY: Let me ask you this, based on the Nugent manifesto, what you think of the Obama manifesto, which is to wave the right flag of surrender, to cut off funding for our troops while they're fighting, accuse them of air-raiding villages and killing civilians. He wants to nationalize health care, raise taxes on corporations and capital gains. (Did you ask him something? That sounds suspiciously like a right wing rant)
What do you think of Barack Obama as a president? (Oh, thanks)
NUGENT: Well, you know, I come from the good — the once great city of Detroit and the great, great state of Michigan. If America wants this country to smell and conduct themselves and be this huge sucking sound like Detroit has become, then by all means vote another Democrat in, because Detroit and Michigan is a case study in liberal Democrat policies being forced upon a once great, great state. (Right. No jobs were lost in Michigan during the Reagan Administration)
ALAN COLMES, CO-HOST: And Washington is an example of great Republican policies.
Ted, welcome back to the show.
NUGENT: That would be liberal Democrat policies. Hi, Alan.
COLMES: John McCain, by the way, voted not to fund the troops on a bill that had a time line attached to it, so I guess he hates the troops, too. (Stop using logic!)
But you once said, "Hey, Obama, you might want to suck on one of these, you punk." You were talking about your gun. "He's a piece of blank." You told him to "Suck on my machine gun." You said Hillary is a "B" word; "let her suck on this." Is this what you want to teach your kids?
NUGENT: Call me Sam Kinnison with a guitar, Alan. (Sam Kinison is dead. Can we hope?)
COLMES: I see, I see.
NUGENT: You know, everybody I know gets the joke. If you don't, Sean will explain it to you.
COLMES: I'm sure using the "B" word, calling Hillary the "B" word and calling Obama a piece of blank, that's really funny material. Really. I got to...
NUGENT: Not the "B" word.
COLMES: That's really funny stuff.
You say in the book, each morning you bow down to the almighty and pray for good bombing weather. Who would Jesus bomb?
NUGENT: You know, we love bombing tyrants and despots and slave drivers. We love killing bad guys so that innocent life can be saved. (50,000 civilians in Iraq. They had it comin'!)Do you understand that Alan?
COLMES: So you pray for bombing weather every day, because that's a good Christian, Jesus type thing to do, to find people we can bomb on a daily basis?
HANNITY: Ask him if he's bombed Hitler. (huh?)
NUGENT: Hopefully, we'll get Mugabe this time. You know? (I'm beginning to understand why I want him to die)
COLMES: So that's where you're coming from.
NUGENT: That's where I'm coming from.
COLMES: You want to kill on sight anybody who illegally comes into the country. Just shoot them, right?
NUGENT: If they're armed, and they're attacking our country, yes. (All those Mexicans with semi automatics)
COLMES: Well, they wouldn't be attacking. You don't know if someone coming over the border — would you just shoot anybody coming over the border who you suspect of being illegal?
NUGENT: In an unauthorized entry, armed, like they are right now, invading our country, I'd like to shoot them dead. (Wow)
COLMES: Just shoot them dead. All right.
Also, parents of overweight kids who have blubber or bad hygiene should be charged with neglect. Are you going to — the government is going to decide your kid's fat, you're going to go to jail?
COLMES: Really? So you want more government involvement in people's personal lives that way?
NUGENT: No, not at all. What I'm talking about is a sense of accountability that I see in my family and everybody I hang out with. All my hunting buddies, they conduct themselves in a responsible fashion. (By shooting bears)
There is a pandemic of health-care overload right now, because people don't care about their health. And certainly, obesity is at the source of this pandemic of wasted tax dollars. Paying for health care because these people don't care about their health. (Fuck 'em. I'm sure all the folks at Ted's concerts are in great shape.)
Do you understand that, Alan? Is that a little too deep for you?
COLMES: Yes, I do. You talk slowly enough for me. I don't live in a Ted state, so I guess I'm OK. But listen...
NUGENT: Obviously.
COLMES: ... thank you for being with us.
HANNITY: Ted, do me a favor: take him hunting. Take him out hunting.
NUGENT: I want to...
COLMES: I think I'd rather go hunting with Cheney than go hunting with you.
NUGENT: I'm killing many deer for you, Alan, this year. (what a man!)