Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ask Dr. Gilda: Am I Too Short to Date?
Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D. MSN Relationship expert....

Dear Dr. Gilda (...just take a good look at this fucker's picture and try to figure out if I'll like his advice or not. Give it a whirl.....)
I am a short guy who has always been self-conscious about my height. Throughout school, everyone would tease me, which made matters worse. I married a woman who was my height, and I thought we'd waltz into the sunset together (waltz?!? Into the sunset? Where'd you get that one?), but you can't base a long-term commitment on someone's acceptance of your physical shortcomings (sounds like a wager to me!) (no pun intended) (heh.), and we divorced. Now that I'm in the online dating world, I still can't get myself to come clean about my true height. Women have told me that it is not that important, so why am I having such trouble? (because you're short pussy) Does a man's size matter?– Tired of Getting Short-Changed

Dear Tired (that makes two of us...),
No one should feel the need to apologize for being who s/he is (except Hitler). But if someone feels flawed, s/he will naturally project him/herself (more use of /, please) as damaged, which will dampen the possibility of a new healthy relationship.
Is being short really a handicap? (Awesome question, Mr. Glick) It depends on whom you ask. Ask someone with a life-threatening disease, and you will get a different perspective. ("Yeah, hey, liver cancer patient, do you think being short is a handicap?....Go to where?!? Wow. It was just a question. Talk about attitude....jeesch") Ask box-office heartthrob (and fellow gay man), Tom Cruise, and note that, without apology, he went to the other extreme and married gorgeous women (beards) who are taller than he is (quite a feat).

The beauty of online dating is that you can decide whether you might enjoy a personality fit with someone before you get into physical details. (WOW! Did Doc just miss the whole fucking point about online dating or what?!? Yeah, that's why people go online to date. Yep! Personality traits first - looks second. Catch up, dickwad.) While people naturally categorize each other according to superficial (totally fucking necessary) stats, these factors quickly fade when there is a deep connection.

While many (all) people do have preferences for certain physical types (level of hotness), these preferences often block possibilities that might be worthwhile. Single people are less upset that someone may not look like a movie star than they are that the person lied. (but, if you look like movie star and you lie, take a guess if a second date happens or not...I'm gonna saaaaay youbetcha)
As my Gilda-Gram (Oh, dear God....die...now) says, "There is no twilight zone of honesty (deeep siiigh...hold it together, Snrub...steaaady....). You're either honest or dishonest, without an in-between." (He should be re-named Doctor Pithy) If you fudge your personal statistics online, how will you avoid your date's reaction when the two of you meet? (That's easy....pull a knife.)
One man discovered his date had lied about her education, and he dumped her (I bet he was a real keeper. "What's that? You're not a Harvard grad?!? For shame!"). A woman was furious that a man she saw twice had lied about his age. Another woman agreed to meet a man who advertised (advertised?) he was 5'9," but who showed up as 5'2". She refused to see him again, not because she didn't like him, which she did, but because he was dishonest (and waaaay too short). What matters most to most people is integrity. But if self-worth is shaky, integrity will be hidden from view. (Don't do what 'Donny Don't' does.....they coulda made that clearer.)

This is what I suggest you do: (Just end it...whoops! Sorry. That slipped out. Stay alive, please. )

Since you have been in pain for a long time over what you perceive as this flaw, get therapy to understand that your value is more than a longitudinal measure. (longitudinal measure?!? Holy fuck....and, while I'm at it...Get therapy for (wait for it....) being a SHORT GUY!...wow. Just go away, Doc.)

Write a compelling profile (brag letter) of your most endearing qualities to post online. Get help from your (two) friends who know your greatest traits. (would being an insecure, short guy who writes to the 25-year-old, online MSN relationship doctor be considered a positive trait?)

When asked to enter your height on an online registration, be honest and proud (and leave it blank). Accept this as the packaging with which you entered the world, and the challenge you need to work through. (strong words, indeed. Accept being short....oh, and view it as a "challenge" that you can change. Perhaps, you can start by reversing science and, perhaps, concoct a potion to make you grow taller! It's just a challenge you can work through, buddy!)
Growing to appreciate our unique characteristics is a mark of depth and maturity (or makes you an arrogant prick. Either way). Before attracting lasting love, you must begin your journey towards self-acceptance now (and start settling for being a toad).

Thursday, September 25, 2008

What's French for Buggery?

Pierre Pierce allowed to travel to France

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — A ruling that allows former Iowa basketball player Pierre Pierce to leave the state to play professionally in France was met with disapproval by the Iowa attorney general (How can this guy disapprove of non-consentual butt sex?  Jerk.)

In a filing late Tuesday afternoon, the attorney general's office asked the state Supreme Court to reconsider its ruling, "given the extraordinary issues presented by this case and because one member of the three judge panel dissented from the ... order."

Bob Brammer, a spokesman for the attorney general's office, said his office had no comment beyond the filing. Pierce's attorney, Alfredo Parrish, could not be immediately reached for comment on the request for reconsideration (C'mon, Alfredo!  Throw me some bullshit line about how Pierre learned his lesson and should be allowed to get on with his life.).

Earlier Tuesday, a three judge panel of the Iowa Supreme Court upheld a Dallas County District Court ruling that Pierce could travel to France (Bet he checked the rape laws there...you know...just in case.).

The court had previously granted the attorney general's request to stay the lower court's ruling.
The attorney general has argued that there is no law allowing someone on probation to complete their sentence in another country. The attorney general said it would make it difficult to monitor Pierce's behavior. (Here it comes.  Sock it to me, Alfredo.)

Parrish, disagreed in an 11-page brief filed with the court on Monday.

"The question is not whether statutory authority exists that authorizes the district court to transfer supervision of a probationer to a foreign country; rather, the question is whether statutory law prohibits the district court from allowing a probationer to travel to a foreign country while supervision will be maintained," Parrish wrote in the brief. ("I did not say that to just say that.  I said it to say that I couldn't say that and by saying that, I know that saying that was something that should have been said.")

Parrish claims there are few restrictions dealing with probation. (Anyone else think something has to be codified relating to probation on a felony charge and leaving the country?

Reached after the three-member panel's initial ruling on Tuesday, Parrish said he was relieved for his client and thought the decision was appropriate.

"It's been a long, hard battle," (I know.  It's just been terrible for you guys.) Parrish said. "This is the correct decision. I strongly believe it's the correct decision (By saying that you strongly believe it doesn't make it more so.) ... It'll be my hope that he'll be able to leave for France by the end of the week." (Translation:  Get the fuck out of Dodge.)

He said Pierce was "very relieved" when he heard the news. (Did he poop himself?)  

"He's been practicing every day," (He's dedicated.) Parrish said. "He's had a very rigid physical fitness program (Focused.). He's had some adversity (Poor guy.) and made some mistakes (Turning the ball over is a mistake.) and he's trying to move on and prove he can be a law abiding citizen." (You know how you prove that?  By not terrorizing another person.  You already failed that test, Pierre.  No do-overs.

Pierce has signed a $120,000 contract with a team in France's top professional basketball league. He is on probation for a January 2005 incident at the West Des Moines home of a former girlfriend. The charges resulted in his being kicked off the Iowa basketball team. At the time, Pierce was the third-leading scorer in the Big Ten. Pierce led the Hawkeyes with 16.1 points a game as a sophomore in 2003-04. (Boy, that's a bit of a brief summary.  And Thank God we got his PPG in there.  Because that's important.  It's part of the whole picture and entirely relevant. (He said sarcastically and then not so much).)

He pleaded guilty in August 2005 to third-degree burglary, (And buggery.) false imprisonment, assault with intent to commit sexual abuse and criminal trespass.

He served 11 months in prison at the Mount Pleasant Correctional Facility before he was released in September 2006.

Pierce was sentenced in April to 30 days in jail for violating his probation while playing in an NBA summer league in Las Vegas.  (What's that about proving he's a law-abiding citizen again?)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

More Shit from Asshole McGee....

Sheffield remains fightin' mad at Tribe
Associated Press
September 23, 2008

Cleveland pitcher Fausto Carmona was suspended six games and Detroit slugger Gary Sheffield was penalized four games Monday for their brawl last week.

Indians catcher Victor Martinez and infielder Asdrubal Cabrera (Asdrubal Cabrera spelled backwards is 'arerbac laburdsa') were suspended three games each and fined an undisclosed amount by Major League Baseball. (juuuust in time to get back for the critical three-game series against the Sox....Any bets on how good those fuckers will be when they come back? I'm guessing Ted Williams with a hint of Mantle)

Sheffield was hit by a pitch from Carmona last Friday night in Cleveland. (that's a damn shame) Moments later, the designated hitter charged the mound from first base, starting a bench-clearing scrap.

"I've been in a lot of brawls, being a peacemaker, (oooooooooooooooh bruddah!) and when someone's back is to you, you pull them away — that's what you are supposed to do (hm...must have missed that chapter in the "Asshole's Guide to Brawling" book. In that same book, does it mention that you're not supposed to be a cro-magnon, knuckle-dragging piece of shit that charges the pitcher?) ," said Sheffield, who won't appeal.

"You don't take cheap shots (you give them!), and that's what happened. When I find out who it was (Please, God, let it be Garko or Hafner...please?), they are going to have to deal with me," he said. ( Carmona and Martinez will appeal their penalties, which were to have started Monday. (great! So Carmona will be ready for a start against the Sox! Awesome! THANKS MLB!)

Sheffield started sitting out Monday night (just like he planned. That dicksmoke was phoning it in by mid-summer. Why not charge the mound and get to vacation sooner? Brilliant.). He needs three homers to reach 500, but said he didn't consider appealing. "We're not going to be in the playoffs (shake that off, by the way, fucko), so it is best to get it over and have a clean slate next year," he said.

Sheffield said he wasn't worried that his apparent threats might draw further discipline."I don't care about what the league thinks or what they do," he said. "I've got enough money to pay any fine they've got. Trust me." (Anybody else think the commissioner should fine him three year's salary? Show of hands?....let's see, one, two, thr....Wow. Every single rational person in the entire fucking world? Hm, go figure.)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

When All Else Fails...

Go back to David. The resident boob here at the SNC is a treasure trove of tripe.
Working Out

What a great boot camp we are having!!! (I don't want to come home!)
The guys have really grasped everything we have gone over and yesterday on the beach in Malibu we had a blast. (Doing what?)
We did a drill that really helped them overcome approach anxiety forever!! (David holds whistle while 8 losers hit on women at the beach. They pay for this BTW)
I’ve been asked many times to do a blog about working out. (no you haven't)
Personally, I’m a workout nut:(Shocker!) I do yoga (gay)I run on the treadmill (boring)I hike hills (bully for David!) I swim (congrats) and I do weights.(Thanks for the list of bullshit noone cares about--god i guarantee he's that douche bag that talks to people about his workout. Guaranteed.) Why do I do all of this? Because I’m vain and I like to look good! (Oh, self deprecation. Ladies love that)
Well, that is true enough, but I also like to stay in shape and feel good about myself. One of the benefits of working out is being able to feel better about yourself. (You just said that)You can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are. (Or a vain asshole)You don’t have excuses. Many people don’t like their bodies but they don’t do anything about it – they live in Excuseland, (that's rich) where anything and everything prevents them from meeting people. (Not everyone has some bullshit job where they can spend Noon to 3pm at the fucking gym, David! We can't all be dating coaches.)
Working out is really healthy for your body. (News flash! He gets paid for this remember?)You can extend your lifespan and it makes you feel great. (We get it. Jesus.)
Even better: going to the gym, going hiking, and going to yoga classes gives you the opportunity to meet more people! (Sigh)Much more can happen when you work out besides just looking fantastic and feeling great.
For everybody out there that doesn’t work out, let me make a suggestion for you: you don’t have to go on a rigid workout plan where you lose 20 pounds TODAY; you want to go on a workout plan where you gradually lose weight. (Thanks, Dr. Fucking Obvious)You want a workout plan that makes you feel good. (Blow job?)
You also have to figure out what type of workout is best for you. If you don’t like to run, don’t! There are plenty of other things to try. (Like punching the fuck out of you!)There are classes, there is yoga; there are all types of workouts and all types of things to do to be active. Find what is best for you.
You also have to set realistic goals. Don’t try to lose 30 pounds in a week! (Again, you already said that. Jesus. Take one pass through after you write it. It takes 30 seconds.)It’s not going to happen! You want to start taking weight off and keeping it off over a gradual period of time. (See above)
This means that you’ll have to work out regularly, and change your diet. Diet regimen is very important; you really are what you eat. It’s very important to maintain a very clean diet. Lay off of the processed foods. It takes a combination of the right foods and the right type of exercise to keep the weight off. (What the fuck is this? Health corner for Retards?)
Keep in mind that just like dating – just like learning how to meet the opposite sex – you have to keep it up over a period of time. (Oh, see what he did there?...)You can’t just expect miracles to happen instantaneously. The longer you keep it up, the longer the effects of this lifestyle will last.
I’m going to share a story with you: when I was 18 years old, I was a “tall drink of water” – that’s what my mother used to call me. I was one of those really skinny water glasses – the ones that don’t hold all that much water at all. I was just a tall drink of water. (Huh?)
I wanted so bad to not be so skinny anymore. I tried everything to put weight on. In college, I used to make bread sandwiches – I’d take two pieces of processed white bread, put a piece of processed American cheese in between, and eat the entire pound of cheese and the entire loaf of bread in one sitting, hoping to gain weight. (See, David is trying to show us his real side. Problem--it's made up bullshit)
The only thing that happened as a result of this was the unbelievable stomachaches I would have every morning when I woke up! I didn’t gain any weight; I would actually become ill and LOSE weight!
Then I decided to begin working out. I started very slowly and then began to increase the weights. I kept noticing the subtlest changes in my body, and every day I kept motivated and continued at it. (hoorah)
That’s the thing about life – staying at it and keeping motivated will create amazing results for you. It is when you quit and don’t push yourself that you don’t get very far. (Like quitting a dating boot camp?)
So work out! Find the right workout plan for yourself that will really suit who you are and what you are about, and get ready to feel great! (Fuck off)

"I don't like anyone illegal..." - Priceless.

R. Kelly gives first interview since acquittal

NEW YORK (AP) -- In his first interview since being acquitted (given a free pass) of child pornography charges, R. Kelly dismissed allegations (funny, that's the same thing the idiot jury did) that he ever preyed on young girls, telling BET News: "I don't like anyone illegal."

Kelly also said he was relieved when the trial was over ("now I kin git back to screwin' me sum growed-UP hoes!") , and that his upcoming album would feature less of the sexually charged material that has come to define his multiplatinum career.

"I'm really trying to make this album ... a little bit different, (ya' know? Listenable) " he said in an interview that aired on the network on Tuesday. "Take a little bit of the edge off, you know? And you know, clean up a few lyrics if I can, you know?" (aaaaawwww...he's doing it for the kids! That's sweet.)

Kelly, 40, was acquitted in Chicago in June of multiple child pornography charges. The verdict ended a six-year saga (that's quick and speedy) that began when a videotape surfaced of a man looking (exactly) like Kelly having sex with a girl believed to be as young as 13. Kelly denied he was the man in the videotape (Wow, R.K. - it's a good thing they didn't use HD technology....), and the girl in the video never testified. (The HELL you say! Nothing fishy about that, by the way)

Kelly spoke to BET's Toure for about a half-hour last week (before church). Though the interview did not specifically address the child pornography charges (because, you know, nobody thinks that's important) , Kelly was asked about the perception that he is attracted to young girls (Kelly was married to the late singer Aaliyah when she was 15, but the marriage was quickly annulled). (the "man" is always keepin' him down)

When asked if he liked teenage girls, Kelly replied: "When you say teenage, how -- how old are we talkin' ... 19?" (Yeah, you fucking imbecile, that's what I mean. I mean 19-years-old...not underrage teenage girls for which you were arrested and sent to trial....I'm directly asking you if you like 19-year-old girls because that's an answer we're DYING to know....)

"I have some 19-year-old friends, (you're 40-years-old, asshat. We don't call them 'friends'. We call them 'freshmen') " he added. "But I don't like anybody illegal, if that's what we're talking about, underage." ("just because I don't know what it is, doesn't mean I'm lying...." - Paul Dooley, Strange Brew)

Kelly said he was worried that he might be convicted.

"But at the same time I was very prayerful, (THERE IT IS!! THE "GOD" CARD! YAY!!) he said. "Verdict day... I couldn't describe it and I wouldn't wish it on -- if I had a worst enemy, which I don't." ("....not to leave the room, even if you come and get him...")

When the innocent verdicts were announced, Kelly said he felt relieved that he would be able to see his three children -- two daughters and a son -- once again. (aaaawwwww....they're so proud. "You see, kids, daddy isn't a sex-crazed deviot. He's prayerful!")

"I couldn't wait to get home to hug them and hold them," he said (hopefully, in reference to his own children).

Despite the charges Kelly faced, he still managed to maintain one of the most successful careers of any artist, notching several platinum albums and hits during that period. (proof, indeed, of the public's disgust with immorality) His new album, "12 Play 4th Quarter," is scheduled for the fall. (I can hardly wait)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Worse Than Maggie Nemser? Me Thinks So.

Ten Speed Cleaning Tips

By: Amanda Coggin (View Profile) <---- And you should probably do that.  In fact, I insist.  Amanda LOVES life and all the life that life bring to the lively living people on this wonderful fucking planet.

Dust and grease, like family members we see frequently but don’t always want to deal with, are two culprits lurking around every corner in my house (How are family members you don't want to deal with 'culprits'?  Culprits of what? ... Oh crap.  Amanda probably thinks life is a play where she's the heroine and everything else is some part of an act where she has to overcome some challenge to her wonderfulness.  Act III, Scene 2 - Dust and Grease.). I prefer using strategic methods in my ongoing battle against them, but time isn’t always on my side (I don't have time, you don't have time, everybody doesn't have time.  Just sooooo busy.). 

Instead, I pick an hour over the weekend to arm myself with rubber gloves, two cloth rags, a brush and dustpan, and some spray cleaner (A winning smile and positive attitude as well, I'm sure.). Then I choose my worst t-shirt-and-shorts combo from my closet and load up Madonna’s Confessions from a Dance Floor, turning the bass up high. Once my body’s pumping to the music’s beat, I put my ten speed cleaning tips into action, and whip through my house like the Tasmanian Devil with OCD (Just to make sure everyone understands this, she's getting paid to write this.  Paid.  Like money and stuff).

1. Let the Sunshine (and Air) In

Before the dust starts to settle, I open the shades and windows to let in the spring sun and air; then I light a candle and let its aroma take over the house (Out with the gloomy Gus air and in with life-affirming freshness!).

2. De-Cluttering Dance

When Madonna tells me to “get ready to jump,” I de-clutter the house by making piles of papers and mail. I make one pile of bills to pay and follow-up correspondence; the second pile is for papers to file away (HOLY SHIT!  THAT'S GENIUS!  I never would have thought of that!). Then I choose a date on the calendar for getting rid of both piles (Date on the calendar?  How about just doing it right then?  Takes what, 10-15 minutes?  Plus, who sets a calendar date for paying bills and filing?). This simple act frees up my kitchen counters for the space I need to cook, and keeps my table open for entertaining (If you're a sycophantic fan of HGTV like I am, maybe you know of this new annoyance in the world of the stupid.  Everybody seems to be working their whole damn house around the concept of entertaining.  Hell, people are BUYING houses strictly on the possibilities open to entertaining.  Here's an idea.  How about doing things for the utility of the other 99% of your time in a space?  Just a thought.).

3. Trap the Dust Bunnies

Dust bunnies live in my bedroom and under my furniture, and float along the baseboards, trying to hide. I use my dustpan and a garbage bag to catch the bunnies in each room before they hop away.  (She uses a dustpan to pick up dust!  Amanda is the smartest person in the history of history!  How does she come up with these things?  I like to think she's like Cormac McCarthy.  A bit of a recluse, tucked away in a small corner of the world coming up with new ways for humanity to look at itself honestly.)

4. Ragamuffin Maid

I tuck two rags in my waistband and take my natural cleaner on a tour of my house. Using the two rags, I dust wooden surfaces with one and spray clean the kitchen counters with the other. (The hell you say!  That works?)

5. Handles with Care

I clean every door, cabinet, and sink handle in the house, removing whatever residue any hands have left behind.  (That's what SHE does.  Nobody else does that.)

6. Kitchen Sponge and Soak

After sweeping away the dust bunnies, it’s time to degrease the oven and soak the sink. Since I tend to go through sponges like toilet paper (eeeewwww!), I purchased a package of cellulose sponges: one for the kitchen, another for the bathroom, and a third for the toilet. They scrub off caked-on grease from the stove, then join my fruit skins in the compost bin (instead of a landfill) (Instead of what else than the landfill.  Thanks for the clarification, Captain Obvious.) once they’ve run their course.  (Perky, sensible AND green.  She's a triple-threat.)

7. Bathroom Break

My bathroom always requires a weekly touch-up. Using Bon Ami, I sprinkle the sink and bathtub, and then wash them clean with hot water. Finally, I take my toilet sponge and run it over the top of the toilet and seat.  (Whoa!  As a cleaner myself, you don't clean out the toilet - you know, the place where feces briefly resides on a frequent basis -  and then wipe down the rest of the toilet with the same damn sponge.  Reverse order, maybe...)

8. Fluff the Pillows

Dust and pet hair accumulate in couch and bed pillows, so get outside and do a little shake (To Madonna's 'Ray of Light'.  She forgot that.  I'm here to help.).

9. Refrigerator Madness

Since my food seems to expire as quickly as I do (by the end of the week), I go through the fridge and see which vegetables are ready to join my sponges in the compost bin  (Yes, you have a compost bin.  We get it.  You're SOOOO environmentally conscious.).

10. Sweep and Vacuum—and the Mop Alternative

A quick sweep of kitchen and wood floors will catch the rest of the dust bunnies and dirt. I like to mix my favorite essential oil with baking soda to sprinkle in the carpet and on my rugs, for quick deodorizing before the vacuum comes out to play (I'm going to have to see a demo on that.  How does the oil not absorb the baking soda and create a paste?  I call bullshit!  She just couldn't make it to ten.). And since the only small rooms in my house requiring a mop are my kitchen and bathroom, I take a third rag and use the natural (Jesus!) cleaner to spray the floor, then I finish up my speed-cleaning frenzy with barefoot dancing to Madonna’s last track, while the rag and I move across the floor.  (Don't even know her and...thinking...ummmm...Yep...I don't like her.  Thank God my vacation is over because she has 218 more articles just like this.  Two hundred.  And eighteen.  I would just end up reading them.  You know.  Just to hate them.)

Or you can go to her now-defunct site titled:  Amanda Coggin  Capturing what you want to see. Writing what you want to read. 

My favorite post is here.  Please read it (while keeping a bucket of warm water next to the chair).  I need to know someone else has experienced this.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fred Gwynne to Host SNL!!!

Live from New York, it's Michael Phelps

(AP) -- Talk about a fish out of water. (ooooooooooooooh bruddah!)

Michael Phelps steps out of his chlorinated comfort zone (HA! Does this guy work for SNL?!?) to host the season (shit-sandwichy) premiere of "Saturday Night Live" this weekend, treading (another swimming reference....do I have to start the count...ok...3) the same stage where his comedy idol Chris Farley once got big laughs. (....and, ya' know, was funny)

The swimmer who won a record-setting eight gold medals at last month's Olympics has been riding a pop culture wave (4) since Beijing, making the rounds of the TV talk shows, presenting at MTV's Video Music Awards and being gossiped about in the tabloids.

Phelps follows in the athletic footsteps of such jocks as LeBron James, Peyton Manning, Derek Jeter (hilarious) and Michael Jordan, who also hosted NBC's late-night sketch show. (Who could forget?)

"I was a little nervous coming into this whole thing, but I've actually started to get really, really excited," Phelps said Thursday on a conference call from New York. "I'm definitely looking forward to Saturday. This is a completely new experience for me, but something that is going to be pretty fun."

He hopes to connect by phone with Ashton Kutcher for some comedy tips, having met the actor's wife, Demi Moore, at the VMAs, where she offered help. (he can't possibly fail with comedy mentors like that, right? Demi Moore offered help? In what, helping him learn how to suck? OOOH! SNAP! Yes, I said it!)

Hosting the show's 34th season opener has made Phelps the envy of his (newly acquired) friends. Swimming rival Ryan Lochte (who in the flying fuck is that?) may be particularly jealous since the show's musical guest is Lil' Wayne, Lochte's favorite rapper and someone Phelps likes, too. (solid reporting)

Among the sketches under consideration for the 90-minute (exercise in tedium) show are ones involving his mother, Debbie, the skintight body suit he swims in, and his eight gold medals. (ya' know, the non-obvious targets that SNL prides itself on)

"Anything you can imagine, they nailed just about every topic," Phelps said of the show's writers. (I bet.)
He laughed at a suggestion that he'll take off his shirt to reveal his rock-hard abs.
"If it happens, it happens," he said. "It's all in good fun. I'm along for the ride." (SNL is far above those sorts of ideas. They'll probably do........yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwn)

Taking the stage alone for the opening monologue worries Phelps more than stepping on the starting block in China did.

"I'm more nervous doing this than I was swimming in Beijing (the report just said that. What are we, on a word count?)," he said. "But after readthroughs, I started getting into it and started warming up. I felt completely confident today."

That doesn't mean Phelps should leave his watery world (5) for show biz, though.

"There's no question (none. Notta one) about him getting it and being funny and knowing what to do," said Lorne Michaels, the show's executive producer. "He's certainly not going to be a professional sketch player, but I think he'll do just fine.

"No matter what happens they can't take those medals away." (Oh, for fuck sake. Thanks, Lorne. No shit? Brilliant quote.)

Phelps is usually in bed when "SNL" airs because of his heavy training schedule (...that, and the fact that the show is fucking awful). But former "SNL" stars Farley and David Spade were in his favorite movie, "Tommy Boy," about a dimwitted heir to an auto parts factory who must save the business.

"I've always been a huge, huge Chris Farley fan, and Adam Sandler as well," Phelps said. (referencing SNL players from about ten years ago speaks volumes on SNL of today...)

Publicly, Phelps is a well-mannered, respectful young man, making him popular among the mothers of teenage girls who swoon over him. (just like Bing Crosby) Privately, the 23-year-old sensation says he's one of the most sarcastic among his friends.

"You don't see it very often," he said. (our loss)

Whether Phelps has the timing to tell a funny joke or the facial expressions so vital in comedy remains to be seen, but he won't be overwhelmed by nerves.

"I can easily adapt myself to pretty much everything," he said. "I'm just looking forward to having fun." (and so are we, Mike, so are we......)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Kentucky Fried Urine

KFC shoring up security for secret recipe

LOUISVILLE, Ky. - Pssst. The secret's out at KFC. Well, sort of. Colonel Harland Sanders' handwritten recipe of 11 herbs and spices was to be removed Tuesday from safekeeping at KFC's corporate offices for the first time in decades (Psst.  I have another secret.  You want to know the secret ingredient?  The one thing that sets it apart from all the imitators?  Lean it and I'll whisper it in your ear.  The secret ingredient is...Love.). The temporary relocation is allowing KFC to revamp security around a yellowing sheet of paper (Eeeewwww!  Did the Colonel pee on it?) that contains one of the country's most famous corporate secrets.

The brand's top executive admitted his nerves were aflutter despite the tight security he lined up for the operation.  (Oh, control yourself.  At this point, isn't this like guarding the secret ingredient in Taco Bell's hot sauce? - which I'm convinced is some sort of laxative.  In other words, Not Love.)

"I don't want to be the president who loses the recipe," KFC President Roger Eaton said. "Imagine how terrifying that would be." (Not as terrifying as a Presidential candidate who is about to pass the life expectancy of the average U.S. male picking a dangerously unqualified and kinda nutty VP candidate.  Oh, Snap!  Do ya see what I did?  Do ya see what I did?

So important is the 68-year-old concoction that coats the chain's Original Recipe chicken that only two company executives at any time have access to it. The company refuses to release their name or title, and it uses multiple suppliers who produce and blend the ingredients but know only a part of the entire contents.

Louisville-based KFC, part of the fast-food company Yum Brands Inc., hired off-duty police officers and private security guards to whisk the document away to an undisclosed location in an armored car. The recipe will be slid into a briefcase and handcuffed to security expert Bo Dietl for the ride.  (Unless Nicolas cage thrillers have lied to me, Mr. Dietl's biggest concern will be a hired assassin who got a face transplant.  Or maybe a fish-faced Penelope Cruz who could win him over with her feisty charm.  Saw both...IN THE THEATRE!)

"There's no way anybody could get this recipe," said Dietl, a former New York City police detective. (Your overconfidence is your weakness.  Your faith in your friends is yours.) His security firm is also handling the security improvements for the recipe at headquarters, but he wouldn't say what changes they're making. 

For more than 20 years, the recipe has been tucked away in a filing cabinet equipped with two combination locks in company headquarters. To reach the cabinet, the keepers of the recipe would first open up a vault and unlock three locks on a door that stood in front of the cabinet. (What if there aren't any walls around the door.  Just a door in front of a filing cabinet.  It would be like a Dali painting.  Wouldn't that be funny?  That's just a joke between me and myself but feel free to laugh if you want.)

Vials of the herbs and spices are also stored in the secret filing cabinet.

"The smell is overwhelming when you open it," said one of two keepers of the recipe in an interview at company headquarters. (Yep.  The Colonel peed on it.)

The biggest prize, though, is a single sheet of notebook paper, yellowed by age, that lays out the entire formula — including exact amounts for each ingredient — written in pencil and signed by Sanders. (Reggie?  Bernie?  Bob?  Deion?  I wouldn't call The Colonel by his last name, even in death.  He's bound to get all Bob Knight on yo' ass.)

Others have tried to replicate the recipe, and occasionally someone claims to have found a copy of Sanders' creation. The executive said none have come close, adding the actual recipe would include some surprises. (Confirmed.  Love & The Pee Of The Colonel.)

Sanders developed the formula in 1940 at his tiny restaurant in southeastern Kentucky and used it to launch the KFC chain in the early 1950s.

Sanders died in 1980, but his likeness is still central to KFC's marketing.

"The recipe to him, in later years, was everything he stood for," said Shirley Topmiller, his personal secretary for about 12 years.

Larry Miller, a restaurant analyst with RBC Capital Markets, said the recipe's value is "almost an immeasurable thing. It's part of that important brand image that helps differentiate the KFC product." (Remember Famous Recipe?  Anybody?  Anybody?  That was a fancy dinner when I was eight and I think it was better. Poll time!)

Which Fast Food Fried Chicken Was Better When You Were Eight?

KFC had a total of 14,892 locations worldwide at the end of 2007. The chain has had strong sales overseas, especially in its fast-growing China market, but has struggled in the U.S. amid a more health-conscious public.  (Don't some people think drinking urine is good for you?)  

Friday, September 5, 2008

I promise I'll take a break on Mitchell after this one..

Is attack dog's bite even worse than her bark?


ST. PAUL, Minn. -- A day after Sarah Palin's big night, I was standing outside the hotel when I witnessed the impact of her barbed speech at the Republican convention. (when Palin does it, it's 'barbed'...when Hillary does it, it's 'strong'....fuck off, Mary)

A waitress who had hours earlier cheerfully served me breakfast came through the rear door and ran up to the first woman she saw wearing a McCain/Palin pin and gushed.

"It was wonderful," she exclaimed. "I got so excited I had to put down my beer." (This did not happen. I'd bet my checking account balance. Both dollars.)

Given the way this election is heading, McCain risks being overshadowed by his running mate.
And that would be a bad thing.

I may not agree with the Republican nominee's policies (no shit?), but I've never doubted for one minute that he is an honorable man.
After hearing Palin speak, I'm afraid she's going to take McCain someplace he doesn't really want to go. (Where? Studio 54?!?....what is she talking about?)

During her debut, Palin electrified the Republicans, but she also shook up every registered voter in the 'hood. (Every. Registered. Voter.....must've been a poll I missed. Done in the 'hood...)

Besides mocking the historic breakthrough of Barack Obama emerging as the Democrats' nominee, Palin was relentless in her use of language that reinforces divisions among black and white voters -- particularly pitting small-town people against the rest of us. (Oh, for the love of Christ. Small-town = white. Rest of us = black?!?! Examples, Mary. Exaaaamples, please. You claim she using divise language. Where was it? Lazy fucking writing, once again. )

That's unfortunate, especially since McCain has tried to reach out to black leadership despite Obama's solid hold on the black vote. McCain spoke at the conventions of the NAACP and the National Urban League. (thus completing his Obligatory Bullshit quota for the year)

His biggest failure has been not putting together an organized outreach throughout his campaign.
The result of that failure was evident in the stunning lack of diversity the nation witnessed as TV cameras panned the crowds. (If there's one place to find hard evidence, it's in referencing television camera coverage...)

So you can imagine what black viewers thought as they listened to Palin's acid sarcasm. Frankly, after watching her speak, it's easy to believe that she wouldn't hesitate to use her political power to punish her enemies. (whoa whoa WHOA!! Mary, just THE FUCKING DAY BEFORE IN YOUR OWN COLUMN you were giving her props for this shit!!!! http://www.suntimes.com/news/mitchell/1144549,CST-NWS-mitch04.article)

Gov. Palin is under investigation in Alaska for allegedly trying to get her former brother-in-law fired from his job when he and her sister were going through an ugly divorce.
It is scary that a woman who hails from a small town in Alaska felt so at home on the national stage being downright mean. (scary? A governor from Alaska? okay.)

And for some of us (columnists), Palin reinforces every stereotype, rightly or wrongly, of what we think white people think in those small towns. (if it's a 'right' stereotype, how can it be a stereotype?)

"We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty, sincerity and dignity," she said.

Does that mean people who grew up in urban Americas are less honest, less sincere and have less dignity? (yep. That's exactly what she meant. And it's precisely what every fuckhead politician does when they talk about how their parents 'were blue-collar miners and farmhands earning a living through hard work and....blah blah blah..." no difference)

"They love their country, in good times and bad, and they're always proud of America," Palin said.
Does that mean the rest of us are unpatriotic? (....sigh)

Although a spokesman for McCain told me that Palin's comments about McCain being the "kind of fellow whose name you will find on war memorials in small towns," was not a put-down of Obama's name, given Palin's rapid-fire attack, I can see why some people took it that way. (Yep, she offended every thin-skinned, humorless asshole with a lot of down time.)

That's the problem with pit bulls. (ZING!)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Bat Shit Fest '08 Continues

Rudy "Can't go 5 seconds without mentioning 9/11" Giuliani spoke to the Republican National Convention last night. The convention where somehow White Upper middle class douchebags seem to cling to the notion that they're victims of the media. Here's the speech.

Giuliani: Thank you very much, and good evening. Almost exactly one year ago today, during a presidential debate in Durham, New Hampshire, I said that, if I weren't running for president, I'd be supporting John McCain. (Were you running? Nice job with that, BTW.)
Well, I'm not running for president, and I do support John McCain.
Every -- every four years, we're told that this presidential election is the most important in our lifetime. This year, with what's at stake, 2008 is the most important election in our lifetime. And we'd better get it right.
This already has been the longest presidential campaign in history, and sometimes to me it felt even longer. (I'll bet)
The American people realize this election represents a turning point. (Cliche #1)It's the decision to follow one path or the other. (#2) We, the people, the citizens of the United States, get to decide our next president, not the left-wing media, not Hollywood celebrities, not anyone else but the people of America. (Left wing media and Hollywood celebrities aren't citizens? Seriously, this pandering to Kentucky is exhausting.)
That's right, USA. (Chants of U-S-A! U-S-A! I'm not kidding.)
Thank you. Thank you.
To those Americans who still feel torn in this election (morons), I'd like to suggest one way to think about this to help make a choice in 2008.
Think about it this way. You're hiring someone to do a job, an important job, a job that relates to the safety of yourself and your family. Imagine that you have two job applications in your hand with the name and the party affiliations blocked out. (You're on a shore with the waves crashing...)
They're both good and patriotic men (but only one chants U-S-A! U-S-A! so they're more patriotic) with very different life experiences that have led them to this moment of shared history. (Man, that's a detailed resume--who can I call to verify employment?) You've got to make this decision, and you've got to make it right. And you have to desire -- you've got to decide, who am I going to hire? (We GET IT! Jesus.)
On the one hand, you've got a man who's dedicated his life to the service of the United States. He's been tested time and again by crisis. He has passed every test.
Even his adversaries acknowledge -- Democrats, Republicans, everyone acknowledges that John McCain is a true American hero. (This qualifies him to be President?)
He -- he loves America, as we all do, but he has sacrificed for it as few do.
As a young man, he joined the military. (YAY!) And being a "Top Gun" kind of guy,(Nice 1987 reference there, Rudy! What's next? A Dukakis joke?) he became a fighter pilot. He was on a mission over Hanoi when his plane was shot down.
He was tortured in a POW camp, but he refused his captors' offer of early release, because this is a man who believes in serving a cause greater than self-interest, and that cause is the United States of America. America comes first.
He has proved his commitment with his blood. (gross)He came home a national hero. He had earned a life of peace and quiet, but he was called to public service again, running for Congress, and then the United States Senate, as a proud foot soldier in the Reagan revolution. (That shut down factories and demonized entire segments of the population.)
His principled independence never wavered. (I thought he was a foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution?) He stood up to special interests. He fought for fiscal discipline and ethics reform and a strong national defense.
That's the one choice. That's the one man.
On the other hand, you have a resume from a gifted man with an Ivy League education. He worked as a community organizer. What? He worked -- I said -- I said, OK, OK, maybe this is the first problem on the resume.
He worked as a community organizer. He immersed himself in Chicago machine politics.
Then he ran for -- then he ran for the state legislature and he got elected. And nearly 130 times, he couldn't make a decision. He couldn't figure out whether to vote "yes" or "no." It was too tough.
He voted -- he voted "present."
I didn't know about this vote "present" when I was mayor of New York City. (Maybe you should have)Sarah Palin didn't have this vote "present" when she was mayor or governor. You don't get "present." It doesn't work in an executive job. For president of the United States, it's not good enough to be present.
You have to make a decision. (Even if they're all awful)
A few years later -- a few years later, he ran for the U.S. Senate. He spent most of his time as a celebrity senator: no leadership, no legislation to really speak of. (Bull shit.)
His rise is remarkable in its own right. It's the kind of thing that can happen only in America.
But he's never -- he's never run a city. (Wasilla, Alaska?)He's never run a state. (That had a population of about 67 people and a few Polar Bears) He's never run a business. (this is a problem?) He's never run a military unit. (George W anyone?) He's never had to lead people in crisis.
He is the least experienced candidate for president of the United States in at least the last 100 years.
Not a personal attack, a statement of fact. Barack Obama has never led anything, nothing, nada.
Nada, nothing.
The choice -- the choice in this election comes down to substance over style. John McCain has been tested; Barack Obama has not.
Tough times require strong leadership, and this is no time for on-the-job training. (Yawn)
We agree. We agree with Joe Biden... one time, one time, when he said that, until he flip-flopped and changed his position. And, yes, being president means being able to answer that call at 3:00 in the morning. And that's the one time we agree with Hillary. (Oh...burn! Oh, wait. We're supposed to be courting Hillary voters. Never mind. We love you! See, we nominated a dangerously under qualified woman to be VP and despite the fact she's vehemently pro-life and pro-gun and anti-environmentalist we need your vote. So, forget that.)
But I bet you never thought Hillary would get applause at this convention. (Nope. Because you're all full of shit)She can be right. Well, no one can look at John McCain and say that he's not ready to be commander in chief. He is. He's ready. (He should be. He's five years younger than Moses.)
And we can trust him to deal with anything, anything that nature throws our way, anything that terrorists do to us. (Oh, for God's sake...)This man has been tested over and over again, and we will be safe in his hands (gross), and our children will be safe in his hands,(really gross) and our country will be safe in the hands of John McCain. No doubt.
I learned as a trial lawyer a long time ago, if you don't have the facts, you've got to change them. (East Coast Elite) So our opponents want to re- frame the debate.
They would have you believe that this election is about change versus more of the same, but that's really a false choice, because there's good change and bad change.
Because change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy. (Thanks, Dad)
John McCain -- John McCain will bring about the change that will create jobs and prosperity. Let's talk briefly about specifics. (That sets in with the mood of the convention--specifics--briefly)
John McCain will lower taxes so our economy can grow. (YAY!)
He'll reduce government to strengthen our dollar. (YAY!)He'll expand free trade so we can be more competitive. (YAY!) And he will lead us to energy independence so we can be free of foreign oil. (YA--huh?)
And -- and he'll do it with an all-of-the-above approach, including nuclear power, and, yes, off-shore oil drilling. (Problem...solved!)
Drill, baby, drill?
Drill, baby, drill. (Which one, your first wife or the mistress you left her for?)
This -- this -- this is the kind of change -- now, you guys are ready to break out. Whoa.
This -- this -- this and a lot more is the kind of change that will create growth, jobs, and prosperity, not what they want to do, tax us more, increase the size of government, increase tariffs, hurt jobs, send jobs elsewhere. (Hurt jobs? I don't remember that one in the platform)
We need John McCain to save our economy and make sure it grows, but we need it for a more important purpose. There's one purpose that John McCain understands, Republicans understand, that overrides everything else: John McCain will keep us on offense against terrorism at home and abroad. (John McCain will be the greatest Platitude in the history of the country!)
For -- for four days in Denver, the Democrats were afraid to use the words "Islamic terrorism."
I imagine they believe it is politically incorrect to say it. I think they believe it will insult someone. Please tell me, who are they insulting if they say "Islamic terrorism"? They are insulting terrorists. (So anti abortionists who blow up clinics are Christian Terrorists. Done.)
Of great concern to me, during those same four days in Denver, they rarely mentioned the attacks of September 11, 2001. (Ding! It's kind of like how the Republican National Convention has left out WMDs)They are in a state of denial about the biggest threat that faces this country. (Polar bears?)And if you deny it and you don't deal with it, you can't face it.
John McCain can face the enemy. He can win, and he can bring victory for this country. (YAY!)
Let's look at just one example at a lifetime of principled stands that John McCain's brought about: his support for the troop surge in Iraq. The Democratic Party had given up on Iraq.
And I believe, ladies and gentlemen, when they gave up on Iraq, they had given up on America. (I just puked in my mouth)
The Democratic leader -- the Democratic leader of the Senate said, and I quote, "This war is lost." (It was.)
Well, well, if America lost, who won, Al Qaeda, bin Laden? (God this is tiring.)
In the single biggest policy decision of this election, John McCain got it right, and Barack Obama got it wrong.
Senator McCain -- Senator -- Senator McCain was the candidate most associated with the surge, and it was unpopular. What do you think most other politicians would have done in a situation like this?
They would have acted in their self-interest, and they would have changed their position in order to win an election. How many times have we seen Barack Obama do this?
Obama -- Obama promised to take public financing for his campaign, until he broke his promise.
Obama -- Obama was against wiretapping before he voted for it.
When speaking to a pro-Israeli group, Obama favored an undivided Jerusalem, like I favor and like John McCain favored. Well, he favored an undivided Jerusalem -- don't get too excited -- for one day, until he changed his mind. (How so?)
Well, I'll tell you, if I were Joe Biden, I'd want to get that V.P. thing in writing. (Up all night with that one)
Our hero, our candidate, John McCain said, "I'd rather lose an election than a war." Why? Because that's John McCain. (Good. Let's put it to the test)
When Russia rolled over Georgia,(in a 54-7 rout) John McCain immediately established a very strong, informed position that let the world know how he'll respond as president at exactly the right time. Remember his words? Remember what John McCain said? "We are all Georgians."(He just lost Florida)
Obama's -- talk about judgment. Let's look at what Obama did. Obama's first instinct was to create a moral equivalency, suggesting that both sides were equally responsible, the same moral equivalency that he's displayed in discussing the Palestinian Authority and the state of Israel. (Because sticking by Israel even when they're clearly wrong has worked out so well..)
Later -- later, after discussing this with his 300 foreign policy advisers, he changed his position, and he suggested the United Nations Security Council could find a solution.
Apparently, none of his 300 foreign policy security advisers told him that Russia has a veto power in the United Nations Security Council.
By the way, this was about three days later. So -- so he changed his position again, and he put out a statement exactly like the statement of John McCain's three days earlier.
I have some advice for Senator Obama: Next time, call John McCain.
He -- he knows something about foreign -- he knows something about foreign policy. Like Ronald Reagan, John McCain will enlarge our party, open it up to lots of new people. (Except gays)
In choosing Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, John McCain has chosen for the future.
The other guy looked back. John looked forward.(YAY!)
Gov. Palin represents a new generation. She's already one of the most successful governors in America and the most popular. (yep. All 6 people that live in Alaska love her!)
And she's already had more executive experience than the entire Democratic ticket combined. (Biden's been a US Senator for 30 years. But, nice try there, Rudy)
She's been a mayor. I love that. (of Camanche!!)
I'm sorry -- I'm sorry that Barack Obama feels that her hometown isn't cosmopolitan enough.
I'm sorry, Barack, that it's not flashy enough. Maybe they cling to religion there. (Probably do. Because they're morons.)
Well -- well, the first day -- as far as I'm concerned, the first day she was mayor, she had more experience as an executive than -- than Obama and Biden combined. (Biden's not an executive. Got it. Rudy's splitting hairs here.)
Then she became governor. She's reduced taxes. She's reduced government spending. She's encouraged more energy exploration. (NOT TRUE AT ALL. She signed a sales tax increase! INCREASE!)
She's been one of the most active governors -- she's been one of the most active governors in the country, and Alaska can be proud of having one of the best governors in the country. (How so?)
She's got an 80 percent approval rating. (So?) You never get that in New York City, wow. (Fuck you)
As U.S. attorney, a former U.S. attorney, I'm very impressed the way she took on corruption in Alaska, including corruption in the Republican Party. This is a woman who has no fear. This is a woman who stands up for what's right. (YAY!)
She -- she -- she is shaking up Alaska in a way that hasn't happened in maybe ever. (That may not sound very impressive...but keep in mind it is a VERY big state)And with John McCain, with his independent spirit, with his being a maverick, with him and Sarah Palin, can you imagine how they're going to shake up Washington? (Not really.)
Whew, look out. Look out. (for her hillbilly husband)
One final point. And how -- how dare they question whether Sarah Palin has enough time to spend with her children and be vice president. How dare they do that. (I am outraged!!Outraged!! Rudy's son doesn't even talk to him BTW)
When do they ever ask a man that question? When? (Ok, Rudy, why does your adult son hate you?)
Well, we're at our best when we are expanding freedom. We're the party that has expanded freedom from the very beginning, from ending slavery to making certain that people have freedom here and abroad. (By bombing them)
We're the party that believes in giving workers the right to work. (For next to nothing)We're the party that believes that parents -- parents should choose where their children go to school.
And we're the party -- and we're the party that unapologetically believes in America's success, a shining city on a hill, a beacon of freedom that inspires the world. (U-S-A! U-S-A!)That's what our party is dedicated to.
So, my fellow Americans, we get a chance to elect one of our great heroes and a great American. He will be an exceptional president. He will have with him an exceptional woman who has already proven that she can reform and that she can govern.
And now the job is up to us. Let's get John McCain and Sarah Palin elected, and let's shake up Washington and move this country forward.
God bless America. Thank you (I can't wait to be Attorney General and fuck with more Brown people!)

Of Bearded Tacos and MILFs

Palin faces a cultural crucible

As VP hopeful prepares to take center stage, Tribune cultural critic Julia Keller (she has a job critiquing culture?! How arrogant is that!) weighs the role of sexism in the national conversation

Julia Keller CULTURAL CRITIC September 3, 2008

She's hunted moose at midnight without batting an eyelash, but Sarah Palin now finds herself up against the biggest beast of all: cultural expectations for women. (Oh, build the drama – and the alliteration! How you and your kind have suffered! I feel a tirade of un-pc epithets coming on…) The Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential hopeful is expected to address her party's national convention Wednesday night. But that's not her toughest challenge. Unlike a previous generation of female politicians—such as Nancy Pelosi, 68, speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, or even Sen. Hillary Clinton, 60, runner-up to Sen. Barack Obama for the Democratic presidential nomination—the 44-year-old Palin is beset by questions, apprehensions, opinions, assumptions and accusations that her older countrywomen rarely faced.
Palin has won a beauty pageant and caught salmon (She was in Beaver Hunt and flashed her tuna). She runs and she hunts and she races snowmobiles. She's at home on a rifle range—and in front of a kitchen range (Oh, how Betty Crocker meets Davie Crockett. I could just shit myself). She and her husband, Todd Palin, are raising five children, including one with Down syndrome. She's part Annie Oakley, part Anita Bryant (and part shut the fuck up). And Palin is young and pretty, in what some commentators have referred to as a "sexy librarian" sort of way (or in the “I picture her on her knees servicing the commander in chief” sort of way). But does pointing that out constitute sexism? (and do we really give a rat’s shithole?)
"How do you talk about women candidates without mentioning that they're—well, women?" muses Nancy Pearl, Seattle-based librarian and author of "Book Lust" (2003) who writes often about images of professional women. (Ten dollars she’s a dried up old cunt, too). "And then," she adds, "how can you not talk about how sexy they are or aren't?" (She’s right! It’s just impossible! It was SOOOO that way with Janet Reno. I just could stop thinking about her vagina and her hysterectomy!)
Once Sen. John McCain's pick was confirmed Friday, blogs began to twitch and burble with descriptions such as "smokin' hot" and "easy on the eyes." (Isn't that just the way it was, fella? We're you just twitching and burbling on the blogs?) Then came the backlash: How dare Palin seek such a demanding office while being responsible for five children? When news broke this week that Bristol, Palin's unmarried 17-year-old daughter, is five months pregnant, the cyber-scythes began to swing higher and wider (give me a fucking break). Never mind that many male politicians have large families and are rarely challenged about their ability to balance work and family (waaaa!!! It’s just not fair!!! Eat it.). Or that many American families have dealt with the pregnancies of teenage daughters (while running for the second highest office in the world…did you forget that part?).
'Role reversal'
With the Palin pick, the nation is entering unknown territory—and not just because she hails from Alaska. Carol Felsenthal, Chicago-based author of this year's "Clinton in Exile," points out that Palin is turning traditional ideological stances upside down—another measure of the unprecedented nature of what the aspiring vice president represents (not that she’s bias or anything…).
"There's such a role reversal," Felsenthal says. "You have this conservative, pro-life Republican woman—but it's the liberal Democrats who are saying, 'But who's going to take care of the children?' " (Well, she nailed that one, boys. That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking). Felsenthal also notes that both Sen. Joe Biden, the Democratic vice presidential candidate, and Gov. Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota, a Republican said to have been on McCain's short list for the VP spot, have mentioned their wives' physical attractiveness in public, along with chuckling references to their own homeliness. (Had they simply mentioned what butt-ugly gashes they had married, this would hardly have been an interesting article) How comfortable would we be with a female candidate who referred to a hunky husband and her own dowdiness? (More comfortable than I am with a “culture critic” who uses phrases like, “She's at home on a rifle range—and in front of a kitchen range “)
To be or not to be pretty
Physical beauty has been a significant issue in political campaigns since the advent of television. As many historians note, a skinny, unkempt, horse-faced fellow named Abraham Lincoln probably would not fare very well in electoral politics in this age of "Larry King Live" and the endless open faucet known as YouTube. In previous centuries, few people knew what a public figure actually looked like. Today, however, it's hard to escape the constant images of candidates. (Well, I see our culturally-sensitive critic has no problem referring to one of the most remarkable presidents as an ‘unkempt, horse-faced fellow’. How would she feel if we referred to a female president as being ‘a really nice piece of ass’?) And that cuts both ways for female politicians. Being attractive is generally better than being unattractive, but women often find their appearance listed ahead of their ambitions or accomplishments. (But that’s just me speaking in vague, unsubstantiated generalities)
"When a woman's looks are mentioned, some people say, 'Well, that's just life,' " says Leonard Kniffel, editor in chief of American Libraries, the magazine of the Chicago-based American Library Association. "But women, many times, are judged first on their looks." (Is this a good time to repeat the fact that she's a former beauty pageant contestant? Stupid, oozing axe wounds.)
Indeed, bloggers elbowed each other out of the way to be the first to note Palin's resemblance to actor and writer Tina Fey—another smart, accomplished woman who wears glasses (come to think of it, I have a lot in common with Tina Fey…she has a gash on her face, and I want one on mine…HooHa!). Kniffel said he wasn't bothered by those who cited Palin's "sexy librarian" look. "I was delighted and I laughed. (And then I rubbed out a quickly in the bathroom to picture of her picture in Newsweek)
"New and different roles for women can induce discomfort and anxiety in some people—just as does, sadly, the prospect of an African-American president (God, this dike gives absolutely no hope for human kind, does she?). But this is, by most accounts, an election year in which the hunger for change is a crucial factor. And with the Palin pick, both political parties are now offering a vigorous variation of the same old thing. What if Palin proves to be a great vice president—but a lousy mother? It sounds like a reasonable question — until you realize that it would rarely, if ever, be asked about a man. (Because, in case you weren’t paying attention, a man doesn’t have a womb, and no matter what good things he does, no matter how hard he works, loves his family and his fellow man, will always be somewhat ‘less’ than the poor, under-appreciated, but so-much-more-deserving mother)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

If They Call This A Disease, I'm Going To Ralph.

From CNN (Natch):

(LifeWire) -- Stacy Pearson keeps buying food she knows she'll never eat -- from tomato soup to green beans to ramen noodles -- merely because it's on sale. Why? (I don't know...she's demented?  Can we go with that?) Blame her mother (Ooooh, this could be fun.).

Her mom, Pearson explains, has always been one to stockpile, to the point that she's "set for a nuclear holocaust." And, Pearson adds, "I'm headed the same way." (Here's an idea.  DON'T BUY IT!  You see, we are rational, sentient beings with opposable thumbs and the wherewithal to make logical decisions as things happen.  Next time you get a yen to buy the $.99 can of beans, take one of those thumbs and stick it up your ass.  Rinse and repeat.  That'll do ya.)

Pearson, 31, insists on bringing home restaurant leftovers to "rot appropriately" in her refrigerator and phones friends during storms to find out how hard it's raining at their house -- just like mom. (You're not turning into your mother, you're turning into a 98 year-old.  Slight difference.  Are you keeping an eye on the neighbors' comings-and-goings as well, Doris?)

"I made a vow around the age of 16 to never be like her," (Worked so far.) says Pearson, a Phoenix publicist and mother of a 5-year-old daughter. "It's interesting -- the habits I thought I'd never want, I picked up." (It's a choice, it's a choice, it's a choice, IT'S A DAILY CHOICE!) Are you just like your mom? (No.  My 85-volume treatise on this will be arriving in stores this October.  It's called 'How To Avoid Becoming 'Looney-Tunes'.  Chapter 1 entitled "Your Dad's At The Tavern Again.")

Chalk it up to a potent and mysterious mix of nature and nurture, but many women -- particularly once they're raising their own children -- arrive at the astounding realization that they've become their mothers after all. (Oh!  This isn't gender-specific.  I know guys that have become their mother.)

Sandra Reishus, a Sacramento, California, therapist and author of "Oh No! I've Become My Mother," says it's not surprising that some daughters come to emulate their mothers even after living in fear of that outcome.

"It's inevitable, because our brains were forming when we were around her," says Reishus, who has been in practice for 16 years. "She was our window into the world." 

"I see it all the time," she adds. "Even if a daughter takes after her dad, there's still a bit of her mom in her." 

That's not always a positive thing. Linda Hutchinson has sought counseling to mitigate the bad habits -- namely, cynicism and a quick temper -- that her estranged mother has, and that she says she inherited. (Working closer to that whole 'disease' thing.)

"I'm on constant watch," says the 56-year-old writer from Lockbourne, Ohio. "If something happens to make me really angry, I have to take a deep breath to prevent myself from lashing out, which is something she never did."

Not everyone, of course, is so pained by the traits that have been passed down. (Ever closer) Other women find it humorous -- comforting, even -- to find themselves taking after their mothers. And sometimes, moms do, too.

Growing up, Lauren Leetun, 27, couldn't stand the way her mother would liberally use bleach during housecleaning. (Oh cripes, that seems to be a bit of a stretch.) Not only did the bleach make the house smell like a swimming pool, it turned the soles of Leetun's navy blue socks pink, an unforgivable fashion disaster. (I love that story.  I tell it at parties all the time.) But now that she's older, Leetun says she finds the smell of the cleaning agent strangely soothing. (In five years, Lauren will be a three session a weeker.  Start saving up now.  Shrinks be all expensive and shit.)

"I've always been uber-organized, and she's the same way," Leetun says of her mother. "I always liked that trait in myself."

Leetun's mom, Tracy Furey, says she isn't surprised.

"Lauren was always a perfectionist. She used to clean out closets when she had nothing to do," says Furey, 52, who lives 15 minutes away from her newlywed daughter in Longwood, Florida. "It's really cool to see your children come full circle." (Mom wins!)

A similar dynamic has developed between Lindsey Pollak, 33, and her mother, Jane, 60. As a teenager, Lindsey was greatly embarrassed by her mother's fascination with motivational speakers and self-help books. So imagine her surprise at choosing a career as -- yep -- a motivational speaker, one whose own shelves are crammed with self-help tomes. (Oh Holy Crap!  She's a Gen-Y expert.)

Lindsey and Jane now are both sought-after speakers and authors on career topics. "We still have our issues," says Lindsey, who lives in New York City, "but we share this unique connection, an additional special bond between us that is rare." 

Jane, of Norwalk, Connecticut, says she always knew her daughter shared her penchant for being meticulous to the point of being hard on herself, but she didn't necessarily predict how similar Lindsey would turn out.

"I didn't try to make her anything," Jane Pollak says, "just the best she could be." (Aaaaahhh)

But what if you don't want to be just like mom? Jason Greenberg, a psychologist in New York City who counsels many women with mother-daughter issues, suggests these steps to behave more consciously and not accept family influences as inevitable:

• Be aware of feedback. If your spouse or children are telling you your ways of relating aren't working, listen. It's difficult to judge your own behavior objectively. (Or not that difficult, really.  It's called being honest with yourself.  And that includes the bad things, people.)

• Identify what's not working. Create a mental or written list of traits your family and you don't want to see repeated through generations. (Again.  Coming out this October to a store near you.  It's 8 million pages long with 500,000 pages covering one sentence.  "Christo...will you rub my leg?")

• Stop and breathe. When you find yourself in stressful situations -- which make it harder to "catch" your behavior -- don't do anything at first. (Um...shouldn't you do that anyway?  It's called 'not being a raging loon' and usually doesn't have anything to do with mommy-daughter issues.  Of course, I refuse to use the word 'alloted' to this day.  I have my reasons.)  "Those are going to be the moments when you're most likely to repeat a behavior that's not constructive," Greenberg says, "or something that's just like your mother." (Personally, I don't think Jason likes his mother.  Maybe that's why he's chosen such a specialty.  See.  Generalizations.  It's easy.  But I didn't ralph.  So that's a good thing.  Tryin' to see the bright side of things.  "Today, I didn't puke out of disgust.")