Saturday, October 25, 2008

You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Depression? Don't tell me, I was there!

By Bill Wundram

With the ups and downs of the stock market and bailouts, there are rumblings of another depression.  It gives me the shakes (And poor man's gout...dropsy...the vapors...dum dum fever...the staggers...). What I’m telling you, boys and girls, is that the Great Depression of the 1930s was awful. The pits (Thanks, Opie.).

Grownups today worry about credit card debt while sipping $4 lattes. But they still buy lattes.  Every other kid in high school has a cell phone.

During the Great Depression, you scraped to buy MJB Coffee for 39 cents a pound (And we never used a cup. We had to drink it out of a rolled-up newspaper...or suck on a damp piece of cloth.), and plenty of Tri-City (before we became the Quads) homes did without their telephones because they couldn’t afford them.

I remember.  I was just a little kid, and grew up to a punk during the Great Depression. I would wake up to the hoot of the whistle atop Davenport Locomotive Works, where no one had a job because the place closed.  But the whistle blew daily at 6 a.m.  It was supposed to be a lame reassurance to its west-end workers that some day, they would again have jobs.

I would peek out the pantry window and see our next-door neighbor, Frank Bauer, sitting on the back steps looking at his shoe strings.  He used to work at the Locomotive Works but now had nothing to do (So he looked at his shoe strings? That's the best he could come up with?  What about a quick game of stickball?  Or kick the Irish?).

I remember how my Dad was such a soft touch for hungry hobos.  There was supposed to be some secret mark on the sidewalk, or a check on the side of a house where the dog was friendly, or occupants were good for a handout.  If the transient, no matter how shabby, wore a necktie, my Dad invited him to sit at our kitchen table for hot java and a sandwich.  He believed the necktie was a sign of an ex-businessman whose life had gone sour.  Hobos without neckties would still be fed, but they had to sit on the porch to eat (Translation:  The necktie-less (or not) black guys sat on the porch.).

Just about everyone was on a downer.  One out of every three Tri-City residents was out of a job.  There were no such things as unemployment checks or Social Security (Aaahh, the good old days...).  If you lost your job, you were out of luck. My Dad had lost his job.  How he scraped up enough money to open a corner grocery store, I’ll never know.  He kept a bone box under the butcher block.  Raw bones were tossed there, to give away to destitute families for stewing (Take that ham hock with some carrots and onions and you got a stew goin'.).

Grapefruit was cheap.  I remember one father saying, “If the kids want grapefruit, they’ll have to put on salt.  I can’t afford sugar.” (THAT'S why my mom dumps a shitload of salt on her cantaloupe!)

The Great Depression left me with stinging memories of thrift.  I had only two outfits to wear to school — a green sweater and a maroon sweater — for a whole school year. (I never pictured a smelly Bill Wundrum.  Now I have.  Thanks.)

There was no money for entertainment.   Once, we took the nickel trolley downtown to watch an artist sculpt statues out of sand beneath the Government Bridge (Yes, yes, yes. It was a nickel.  And people made $3000 a year then.  They average $45,000 a year today and a bus trip is probably $.75 now in the former Tri-Cities (glurp).  Same rate of inflation, you dope.).  He worked for whatever coins sympathetic people dropped into a tin can. I remember his creased, sad face.

The Tri-Cities was like Steinbeck’s “Grapes of Wrath,” because people traveled in beat-up contraptions called cars (That's why they're similar?).  One bearded geezer camped with his cart of goats in Blessing’s Gardens, selling postcards for two cents.  He gave me one because I fetched his goats some water (One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere.  Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville.  I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days...goats?).

The only good thing I remember is my Dad following the advice of his hero, Franklin Roosevelt, who said during one of his fireside chats, “Cheer up. Go to the movies and see Shirley Temple.”  We all piled into the old Essex and saw the dimpled darling sing, “On the good ship Lollypop ...” (Thank you for allowing me to write this.  It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could ramble on in a newspaper like the incoherent, crusty old man I am.)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Finally! Getting to what REALLY Matters!

World Series likely to strike out in ratings

By Paul J. Gough
Hollywood Reporter (the absolute best source for sporting news!)

LOS ANGELES - With Sunday night's seventh game of the American League Championship Series drawing record ratings for TBS (what? They outdrew 'My Boys'?!?) , Fox Sports is hoping that some of that magic rubs off on the baseball World Series.

Good luck. (zing!)

The matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and Tampa Bay Rays, however exciting in terms of baseball purism (You know, purism - Tampa Bay, astroturf, domes...) , isn't likely to set the TV ratings world afire. In fact, some fear it could be the lowest-rated World Series ever. (whatever shall we do?)

"You could hear the groans (bitchy whining) coming up because it isn't the Red Sox-Dodgers," said Aaron Cohen, chief media negotiator at New York-based ad buyer Horizon Media. (Shake it off, nutsack. Tough shit.)

Fox's World Series hopes started off promising, with the Boston Red Sox, Los Angeles Dodgers, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Jesus. We still calling them that?), Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox — all representing major TV markets — in the playoffs.

But the Cubs, Angels and White Sox fell in the first round and the Dodgers were eliminated by the Phillies in the National League Championship Series. (Wow. Somehow, I didn't think there would be a silver lining to the White Sox losing, but, knowing these d-bags are suffering makes it worthwhile!) The low-profile Rays, the worst team in baseball last year, then finished off the defending champion Red Sox on Sunday night. (Booooooooooooooooooooring!)

Cohen said that working against the World Series, which begins Wednesday in St. Petersburg, Fla., is the fact that there are two East Coast teams (that aren't New York or Boston). A series that lasts the minimum of four games would also hurt the ratings. (no shit? I can see how you rose through the ranks. I tip my cap, good sir...)

"I don't think it's going to be a barn burner," Cohen said. (And he's highly-qualified to predict games because he's a media buying negotiator for......zzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

In the past 10 years, the highest-rated Fall Classic was the seven-game Florida Marlins-Cleveland Indians matchup (two high-profile juggernauts), which averaged a 16.7 rating/29 share, or about 24.8 million viewers.

There have only been three others since then to go over 15 (shame!), most recently the 2004 Series in which Boston ended an 86-year drought to beat the St. Louis Cardinals in four straight.

But Sports president Ed Goren (there's a 'President of Sports'? Wow. All hail, Ed Goren!) remains optimistic. "These two markets will do well. It's not just about the matchups," he said. "As important as anything else is the length of the series and the volume. (just like porn) If we get six or seven games, we'll outrate last year's Red Sox World Series." (....and the other team they played...)

Goren looks to the 1997 Series, with a relatively unknown Marlins up against the Indians. Game 7 averaged a 24.5 rating (38 million viewers) as Florida won.

"Imagine a 16.7 rating for seven nights? (You may saaaay I'm a dreamer....) That's an unheard of number (no. I've heard of 16.7. It's a real number)... but I think there are parallels here," Goren said.

"The last two (Red Sox-Rays) games certainly helped build toward the World Series, and hopefully we'll keep it going," he added. (Indeed, it's not up to the teams. It's up to sports television, Mr. President. Well put.)

Sunday night's Game 7 averaged 13.3 million viewers, making it the highest-rated baseball game in cable history (baseball's dead) and the top-rated telecast on any kind on TBS, Nielsen Media Research said. A Chicago Cubs-St. Louis Cardinals game on ESPN in 1998 which the Cards' Mark McGwire tied the single-season home run record was cable's previous best. (but, those numbers were chemically enhanced)

Friday, October 17, 2008

I Want What Dick Morris Is Smoking

Fox News Suck Ass Dick Morris has an Op-Ed piece for Rasmussen Reports which is a nice piece of revisionist history.

Mac's Shot at a Late-Game Win
A Commentary by Dick Morris
Friday, October 17, 2008
The short term impact of the third debate will be to help Barack Obama. But the long term implications may give John McCain a needed boost. (Long term? It's 2 weeks away. I'm sure McCain will be thrilled to know he's winning in the polls on December 23rd)Obama looked good, but McCain opened the tax-and-spend issue in a way that might prevail.

Obama took the worst that McCain could hand out and came out looking good. (A dead fish could look good next to McCain. He looks like a cadaver) McCain was the more aggressive debater,(ie whiney and petulant) but Obama looked like the better president. (Yet McCain won a PRESIDENTIAL debate?)The constants of the debate remained. Obama is smoother, prettier, younger and more presidential. But McCain had a feisty appeal, a Trumanesque approach that may resonate in these times of anger and unrest. (That won in 1948)

Obama seemed to rise above the charges and show his reasonableness and his ability to inspire confidence. McCain was like a trial lawyer, hammering out his points, but Obama came across with dignity. (Dignity and poise..what a loser)

Finally, John McCain came out swinging. (Feistyness = good. Is this Phil Rogers ?) In his feisty, aggressive style, he scored key points on spending and taxes. (he didn't say anything different than the first 2 debates. He just said them in a more exasperated tone) Coherent in a way that he has not been in previous debates, (i.e angrier) McCain repeatedly turned Obama's spending plans against the Democratic candidate. (by telling us about his gigantic spending plans)The continued invocation of Joe the Plumber brought a populist edge to the tax issue that it has lacked since Ronald Reagan. (and made 60% of the population want to throw a shoe at the tv)

Strategically, every debate is a chance to ratify the issues that will dominate the weeks that follow. McCain and Obama both made taxes and spending the key issues of the future. With Obama opposing a spending freeze and billing it as a hatchet as opposed to a scalpel, McCain was able to push the Democrat into an uncomfortable position. (Umm...were you watching the same debate as me, Dick?)

McCain has now established the tax issue in a way he has not been able to do so far in the contest. (Louder)Now he can widen the gap between the campaigns on this key issue. (Widen? Obama's leading, Dick. If McCain is widening, he's in trouble.)If the Republicans concentrate their campaign on the key issue of taxes and abandon the other lines of attack, they can use the lines developed in this debate to do better and better as Election Day nears. (and maybe carry North Dakota. Shoot for the stars!)

There was no knockout in this debate. (So, when is it coming?)Obama emerged with class and charisma from a slugfest. He seemed to be the kind of man we want as president. But McCain was able to set up the tax issue in a way that could eventually close the gap. (A man I want as President vs. a guy still trumpeting words like "voucher" and "Tax and spend)

Remember 1992. Clinton had a big lead over George Bush Sr. with three weeks to go. But then Bush and Quayle hammered him over the tax issue and his big spending plans. Day after day, the Republicans gained, and Clinton fell back. (What?) By the Thursday before the Tuesday election, Bush had gained the lead. (This is complete fiction. No poll before the election had Bush in the lead. Not one.)Ultimately Clinton was saved at the bell by the announcement by Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh that he was going to indict Bush's Defense Secretary Cap Weinberger. (and the fact the economy was in the tank)That restored the Clinton lead and delivered the victory to him. (Man, Republicans never actually lose an election do they? It's always some last minute bamboozle the media throws at them)

McCain is not as good on television as Obama is. So the immediate impact of the debate was to help Obama. (2 weeks to go)

But the tax-and-spend issue is the one that Republicans want at the center of the race, and McCain put it there. (if it was 1984)

So this may turn out to have been a turning point for McCain, after all. (Slaps forehead)

Views expressed in this column are those of the author, not those of Rasmussen Reports.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ted Nugent: Fuckstick of the Week

Colossal prick and Shooter of Animals Ted Nugent went on Hannity and Colmes last night and here's what this asshole (Nugent, not Hannity. Well, Hannity as well.) had to say:

Rocker Ted Nugent Discusses His New Book
Tuesday, October 14, 2008

This is a rush transcript from "Hannity & Colmes," October 13, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: Our next guest is well known to legions of rock 'n' roll fans, (Uncles everywhere) but he's here to unveil his brand-new book on politics, "Ted, White and Blue: The Nugent Manifesto." (Ugh)Joining us now with his no-holds-barred (Ugh again) plan to attack what he calls the problems that are gutting our nation, rock star, friend, author, Ted Nugent.
All right, Ted, you know what? I'm very simple. (No shit) I want politicians — I don't care what party. I want you to be fiscally responsible. I don't want you to wave the right flag of surrender like Obama. (He doesn't care what party..Right)I want to stay on offense on the war on terror. I want energy independence, including drilling and nuclear power. And I want immigration — I want our borders secure. (By demonizing brown people who work at McDonalds)
Am I close to the manifesto?
TED NUGENT, AUTHOR, "TED, WHITE AND BLUE": Sean, you're my American blood brother. Yes, the manifesto, "Ted, White and Blue," is just a celebration of the logic, the pragmatism that you outline every day. And it's alive and well across this country.
I had the greatest tour of my life, 71 rock-outs in 81 days, (County fairs and tractor pulls) and in every nook and cranny of this nation,(Podunk backwater burgs) goodwill, decency, honesty, rugged individualism and, most important, accountability from we. the people. is alive and well. (Nothing subliminally racist there at all)
NUGENT: We'd like — we'd like Fedzilla (Up all night) to show a little bit of accountability, and that's what we're demanding.
HANNITY: One of the things you said — I sat there, and I said, "This makes sense." (Sean will start sucking Ted's dick at some point)It's refuse to fund health care for people who don't care, you know, about their own health. And that means people that are — use drugs, that drink and smoke and are destroying their own lives. (Christian compassion at its best right there, Sean. God, what an ass.)
You know, that's — believe it or not, that's considered controversial, Ted. Not that that bothers you, by the way. (Hard hitting interview)
NUGENT: No, no. That doesn't bother me at all. You know, I'm speaking on behalf of not just the Nugent family. (I'm speaking for thousands of Cro Magnon douche bags everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean Texas) We wake up extra early every day and put our heart and soul into being the best that we can be. (Oh, fuck off)And we would never be so irresponsible to expect someone else to cover our health care if we don't conduct ourselves in a responsible fashion and actually care about our health. (So, if Ted gets cancer because of air pollution or breaks his back because he fell on the ice he shouldn't get health care because he shouldn't be walking around there anyway. Nice logic, dickface)
HANNITY: Let me...
NUGENT: Remember, Sean, I'm not alone on this. (Don't we know)There's a huge, powerful, positive force in America that still, you know, conducts themselves in an accountable fashion, and this book celebrates that.
HANNITY: Let me ask you this, based on the Nugent manifesto, what you think of the Obama manifesto, which is to wave the right flag of surrender, to cut off funding for our troops while they're fighting, accuse them of air-raiding villages and killing civilians. He wants to nationalize health care, raise taxes on corporations and capital gains. (Did you ask him something? That sounds suspiciously like a right wing rant)
What do you think of Barack Obama as a president? (Oh, thanks)
NUGENT: Well, you know, I come from the good — the once great city of Detroit and the great, great state of Michigan. If America wants this country to smell and conduct themselves and be this huge sucking sound like Detroit has become, then by all means vote another Democrat in, because Detroit and Michigan is a case study in liberal Democrat policies being forced upon a once great, great state. (Right. No jobs were lost in Michigan during the Reagan Administration)
ALAN COLMES, CO-HOST: And Washington is an example of great Republican policies.
Ted, welcome back to the show.
NUGENT: That would be liberal Democrat policies. Hi, Alan.
COLMES: John McCain, by the way, voted not to fund the troops on a bill that had a time line attached to it, so I guess he hates the troops, too. (Stop using logic!)
But you once said, "Hey, Obama, you might want to suck on one of these, you punk." You were talking about your gun. "He's a piece of blank." You told him to "Suck on my machine gun." You said Hillary is a "B" word; "let her suck on this." Is this what you want to teach your kids?
NUGENT: Call me Sam Kinnison with a guitar, Alan. (Sam Kinison is dead. Can we hope?)
COLMES: I see, I see.
NUGENT: You know, everybody I know gets the joke. If you don't, Sean will explain it to you.
COLMES: I'm sure using the "B" word, calling Hillary the "B" word and calling Obama a piece of blank, that's really funny material. Really. I got to...
NUGENT: Not the "B" word.
COLMES: That's really funny stuff.
You say in the book, each morning you bow down to the almighty and pray for good bombing weather. Who would Jesus bomb?
NUGENT: You know, we love bombing tyrants and despots and slave drivers. We love killing bad guys so that innocent life can be saved. (50,000 civilians in Iraq. They had it comin'!)Do you understand that Alan?
COLMES: So you pray for bombing weather every day, because that's a good Christian, Jesus type thing to do, to find people we can bomb on a daily basis?
HANNITY: Ask him if he's bombed Hitler. (huh?)
NUGENT: Hopefully, we'll get Mugabe this time. You know? (I'm beginning to understand why I want him to die)
COLMES: So that's where you're coming from.
NUGENT: That's where I'm coming from.
COLMES: You want to kill on sight anybody who illegally comes into the country. Just shoot them, right?
NUGENT: If they're armed, and they're attacking our country, yes. (All those Mexicans with semi automatics)
COLMES: Well, they wouldn't be attacking. You don't know if someone coming over the border — would you just shoot anybody coming over the border who you suspect of being illegal?
NUGENT: In an unauthorized entry, armed, like they are right now, invading our country, I'd like to shoot them dead. (Wow)
COLMES: Just shoot them dead. All right.
Also, parents of overweight kids who have blubber or bad hygiene should be charged with neglect. Are you going to — the government is going to decide your kid's fat, you're going to go to jail?
COLMES: Really? So you want more government involvement in people's personal lives that way?
NUGENT: No, not at all. What I'm talking about is a sense of accountability that I see in my family and everybody I hang out with. All my hunting buddies, they conduct themselves in a responsible fashion. (By shooting bears)
There is a pandemic of health-care overload right now, because people don't care about their health. And certainly, obesity is at the source of this pandemic of wasted tax dollars. Paying for health care because these people don't care about their health. (Fuck 'em. I'm sure all the folks at Ted's concerts are in great shape.)
Do you understand that, Alan? Is that a little too deep for you?
COLMES: Yes, I do. You talk slowly enough for me. I don't live in a Ted state, so I guess I'm OK. But listen...
NUGENT: Obviously.
COLMES: ... thank you for being with us.
HANNITY: Ted, do me a favor: take him hunting. Take him out hunting.
NUGENT: I want to...
COLMES: I think I'd rather go hunting with Cheney than go hunting with you.
NUGENT: I'm killing many deer for you, Alan, this year. (what a man!)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008, People! Men. And. Cats. Dot. Com!

Sorry, Fido, It’s Just a Guy Thing


IF you ask Adam Fulrath who is the love of his life, he will barely blink an eye before responding: Parappa. (Oh, cripes!  This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.)

Mr. Fulrath, a 37-year-old design director at Time Out New York, keeps five photographs of Parappa, a shorthaired, bicolored, mixed-breed cat, on his desktop. (Okay.  If a guy has five photos of his dog on his desk, he's creepy as well.  Isn't that like in the Bible or something? it is...Matthew 8:14:  "If a man lies down with cats, the wrath of his Holiness shall befall him."  I knew I saw it somewhere.)  He knows that it might be considered a little weird (a little?) that a grown man would be so enamored with his kitty, but Mr. Fulrath, who is into video games and comic books and calls himself a “straight, geeky guy,” doesn’t care.

“She’s my primary relationship,” he said.  (That and masturbating to the CatWoman video game.  He's interactive.)

Mr. Fulrath is one of a growing number of single — and yes, heterosexual — men who seem to be coming out of the cat closet and unabashedly embracing their feline side. (Okay.  Let's monitor the true blue evidence cited by Abby to back this bullshit thesis up.  Keep a close eye on the number of 'seems' used...And dippy anecdotes.)  To that end, they are posting photographs and videos of their little buddies on YouTube and on Web sites like, and Twittering about them to anyone who will listen.  (New ring of Hell.  Spending the whole day reading  Take a minute and go scan my new favorite website.  It's cat-tastic!

Indeed, it seems (#1) that man’s best friend is no longer a golden retriever, but a cuddly cat named Fluffy (Evidence, please!  Not stupid stories about some neighbor in your brownstone.). This movement (Movement?  What?  A website?), such as it is, is in direct contrast to the most notable in the recent spate of reports about the relationship between a man and a cat, which were far darker; they focused on a young actor who was recently on trial in New York City for killing his girlfriend’s cat — he said it attacked him — only to have a jury decide after several days that it could not reach a verdict. (What the hell does this have to do with anything?  We here at the SNC have put Abby on the Watch List.)

If it had been a little less violent, that case might have been more in line with what the world seems to expect of men and cats.  (Please tell me about these 'expectations' you speak of, kind lady.)

The image of the crazy spinster cat lady persists, and plenty of people do wonder about a guy with a cat. As a writer on put it: “Single men and cats are like a burger and broccoli. Separately they are okay, but together it just seems off.”

But those who see a growing link between men and cats see that attitude (not to mention the cat slaying) as old-fashioned.  (Abby has four male friends who have cats and she was devoid of story ideas for the week.  Boom!  Article!)

Clea Simon, who wrote “The Feline Mystique: On the Mysterious Connection Between Women and Cats,” said: “I do think it has become more acceptable for men to own cats — partly for practical reasons, like the growing realization that they’re better city pets, and partly the whole acceptance of our cross-gender traits that men crave intimacy, too.” (So get a pet that's useless and selfish.  That'll fill the intimacy void.)

Stacy Mantle, the founder of, a magazine for pet lovers, said that men are becoming more “cat literate” because they themselves are evolving. (Where's she going with this?  First, men want cats because they crave intimacy like women and now men are evolving beyond the need for dogs.  Me smells something offensive coming.)

“It’s the unevolved members of the species who tend toward abuse of cats — and oftentimes, women and children,” said Ms. Mantle, who owns 18 cats. (That last part doesn't buttress the argument.  18 cats?  Talk about intimacy issues.)

Although there are no hard (or soft) (<-- Not mine.) statistics (it is rare to find an owner, man or woman, walking a cat in public) (<-- Not mine doppio.), it seems (#2) that single, heterosexual male cat owners are on the rise. (Well, shit!  I'm sold.  Et tu?) Over the last few years Sandra DeFeo, an executive director at the Humane Society of New York, said she had seen an increase in the number of single, straight men who are adopting cats. (Holy Mother of Shit!  The Republican Party should hire Sandra DeFeo since she's apparently clairvoyant and can tell if a guy is gay or not.  What's she working at the Humane Society for?  Seems like she could be making oodles of money using her TRUE talent by bilking homophobic fucks.)

Carole Wilbourn, a cat therapist (yes, really) (<-- Not mine tripel.) in Manhattan, said that the number of her single, straight male clients has risen about 25 percent over the last five years. 

When the Web site asked its readers, “Do Real Men Own Cats?” almost 84 percent of respondents said “yes.” “Only intelligent, aware, caring men love cats,” one reader said. (That guy's gay. BAAAAAA!) And in a 2005 survey by Cats Protection, an animal welfare agency in the United Kingdom, the majority of the 790 people who responded said it was cool for a guy to own cats. (Another poll from Cats Protection:  a majority of respondents said it's cool to weep uncontrollably after sex.)

This line of thinking does not surprise cat lovers, many of whom believe that only pillars of virility and masculinity would dare to own one. (WWWWHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  HOLY MOTHER OF CAT SHIT!!!!!!! Are you kidding me?!  I knew it!  I knew she'd say something like this!  I knew it was going to have to be said in order to back up that dipshit title!  Here's the difference between dog and cat owners.  Dog owners find absolutely no need to discuss their ownership of a dog as a competition with cats.  Cat owners don't shut the fuck up about it.  You draw the conclusion.  And when they get pissed off that you're not falling for the bait, they say shit like that.) They are quick to point out other well-known macho cat owners: Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Victor Hugo and Marlon Brando, who reportedly found a stray cat on the set of “The Godfather” and incorporated it into a scene.

John Scalzi, 39, an author in Bradford, Ohio, has been a cat guy his entire life. In September 2006, he posted a picture of a piece of bacon taped to his cat, Ghlaghghee (pronounced Fluffy — an ode to George Bernard Shaw), on his Web site Thousands of viewers apparently found this hilarious. (Jebus H. Cripes!  Am I supposed to believe that because there are websites out there dedicated to male cat owners that there is some huge trend?  That's, what, the fourth website cited?  I bet I can find four websites dedicated to the wonders of eating your own crap.  Does that mean it's a growing trend as well?

Mr. Scalzi, who is now married and has a daughter, blames Hollywood for the continual bad rap that has befallen the male cat owner. Originally, he said, only strong men like Don Corleone, or the villains in a James Bond film, had cats. (Fuckin' Hollywood!  I'm going to use Abby's circular logic.  Hollywood hates cats.  Hollywood likes Democratic candidates.  Male cat owners hate Hollywood.  McCain will carry the male cat owner vote this November.)

“But then in the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties, Hollywood decided that we need to have the token gay man as the witty sidekick friend of the main female protagonist,” he said. “ ‘What kind of signature thing can we give him to convey that he is not an entirely masculine being? I know! We’ll give him a big fluffy cat!’ ”

In fact, Mr. Scalzi thinks that dogs are for the weaker of spirit, since the dog is, in effect, “your wingman.” (Whaaaa?

“If you’re feeling insecure about your space in the world, you get a dog because he will always back you up,” he said. “He’s the insecure man’s best friend.” (Wai.....BLLLLLEEEEEGGGGGHHH....Crap...I just threw up on my computer.  Abby.  You owe me a new one.  I blame you.  And Hollywood.)

A man with a cat, on the other hand, “is secure with himself,” he said. “He’s sharing his space with a predator.” (I really can't stop laughing.  Somebody slap me.  I'm giggly.  Mr. Scalzi, I see a man who desperately needs to see every compulsion and decision he's made in his life as the morally, emotionally and psychologically right one.  I bet he thinks people who like Thai food over Mandarin Chinese/Japanese fusion are fascists.)

Many (kind of like 'seem') women agree that guys with cats are extra special.

“They make the best boyfriends because they’re totally cool with staying home and watching a movie,” said Elizabeth Daza, 28, a video producer in Manhattan, who dated a cat-owning man for eight years. “Straight men with cats seem to be really secure and stable. They don’t need to be running around the park and proving their masculinity like the dog guys.” (I'm sold.  I don't know about you but when I walk my dog, the only thing I'm doing is trying to get the freakball to poop.  Does that make me an insecure pussy?)

On a practical level, cats are easier, male owners say — especially if they (the men) travel a lot. They can leave the cat alone for days on end, and the cat will survive. (Boom goes the dynamite!  That's why cats are good pets for certain people.  There's absolutely no work involved.  End of story.  Fine.  Like cats.  But don't tell me they're some monument to masculinity and virility for the sake of cripe!)

“I would feel guilty if I had a dog and was out of the country for three weeks,” said Mark Fletcher, 38, an entrepreneur in Redwood City, Calif. who has two cats, Einstein and Babe (as in Ruth). (See.  He named it after Babe Ruth.  Babe Ruth was a man's man.  Ergo, cats are the only true pet for real men.  Get that?)

What’s more, cats are relatively low maintenance. (Not 'what's more'.  You just mentioned that.)

“A dog is a lot of work,” said Nader Ali-Hassan, 29, an account executive with a digital marketing firm in Cleveland. (Again.  Abby logic.  A pet that's a lot of work is a pet for pussies.)

Although he is married, he has had cats his entire life, and even has a picture of Ringo, a longtime feline companion, in his office.

“Maybe it’s not the most masculine thing in the world, but I’m comfortable enough in my own manhood,” he said. “The cat’s nice. I come home after a long day of work, it sits in my lap, I pet it, and then it goes about its business.” (Then get a stuffed animal.  Here's a bonus.  They don't shit and piss in the house.)

SOME (#345...ish.) guys are even using their cats as vehicles to celebrity, like Paul Klusman, 39, a Wichita, Kan., engineer who catapulted to Internet fame after posting “An Engineer’s Guide to Cats” on YouTube in April.  (Isn't there some YouTube video of a Japanese woman shooting ping-pong balls out of her hoo-hoo?  Internet fame is all relative, really.  Not much in terms of qualifications.)

The film, which features his three cats, Oscar, Ginger and Zoey, garnered about 3 million views.  (Bet ping-pong hoo-hoo had more hits.  Just guessing, really.) Mr. Klusman said he received about 300 marriage proposals from “lonely cat ladies from all over the world,” in addition to more risqué propositions. (Eeeeewwwwwww!)

“Any single, straight man who has the slightest bit of insecurity about his own sexuality will probably find it difficult to admit to owning or even appreciating cats” he said, echoing Mr. Scalzi’s sentiments. (Abby should set these two up.  Seems like they're both talking an awfully lot about the sexuality of others.  Something weirdly insecure about that.)

Of course, it can become tricky, like when the cat gets in the way of a relationship.

The Cats Protection study found that single male cat owners were more likely than their female counterparts to have made, or consider making, a sacrifice for their cat — including giving up a holiday or going into debt for their cat if necessary. (What?)

Single men were also almost as likely as single women to break a friendship (Please tell me the situation where this arises so much that a study was commissioned.) rather than lose their cat, and would consider choosing their cat over their partner.

This happened to Mr. Fulrath, who dated a woman who was allergic to cats.

“I thought, ‘This is never going to work,’ ” he recalled. “My cat takes priority over the new relationship. Realistically, unless there’s something absolutely amazing about her, he wins.” (Sorry cat.  She gives good head.  Go find a dumpster to eat out of.)

And where was this article posted, you ask?  Nope.  The New York Times.

Head on over to where Jack Shafer awards this one as his Bogus Trend of the Week.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Former Congresswoman and Bat Shit Loon Cynthia McKinney is apparently running for President as the nominee of the Green Party. That would be the same Green Party that Ralph Nader was the nominee of in 2000 and 2004.

McKinney Accuses Government of Slaughtering Prisoners, Dumping Bodies During Katrina
WASHINGTON: Green Party presidential candidate Cynthia McKinney claims the Department of Defense executed 5,000 prisoners with one bullet to the head (just one?)and then dumped their bodies in a Louisiana swamp during Hurricane Katrina. (No one noticed 5,000 corpses. THAT is what I call covert!)
At a news conference in Oakland, Calif., on Sunday, McKinney claimed the Pentagon authorized the execution of the prisoners with one bullet to the head three years ago and then dumped their bodies in a Louisiana swamp.

McKinney said she heard the story from the mother of a National Guard soldier who said her son was assigned to help dispose of the bodies. (Well, case closed then..)
"And these were mostly males and her son was afraid to talk because he had signed a silence agreement," (Wow) McKinney told the crowd. "So he only complained to his mother. But the data was entered into a Pentagon computer." (Come on. Where are the cameras? Is Alan Funt coming out?)
McKinney said she verified the story from "insiders" who wanted to remain anonymous. (The insiders are the voices inside Cynthia's loony head)
"I suspect that these are prisoners. ... So this investigation of the whole prison industrial complex is extremely important and it should not end with just a question of the nature of prisons in our country," she said to a captivated audience. (Car wreck like captivating) "These 5,000 souls also need some justice too." (Justice for the Made Up 5000! Justice for the Fictitious Five Grand!)
A Defense Department spokesman dismissed McKinney's accusation. (Really?)
"The claim is outrageous on the very face of it and doesn't merit any further consideration," said Lt. Col. Les' Melnyk. "It would be inconceivable that 5,000 people would go missing in America without anyone noticing it prior to this." (That's far too many words to use on this, sir.)
Psychologists and psychology professors contacted by wouldn't comment on McKinney's mental condition, but they expressed shock at her assertion. (I'll comment: SHE'S FUCKING NUTS!!)
"Wow! What a conspiracy theory," one professor exclaimed before declining comment and hanging up the phone. (Says Professor Mundane)
Dr. Celia Ward, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., said she wouldn't speculate on McKinney's state of mind because McKinney heard the story from someone else. (Huh?)
"This sounds like a game of telephone," Ward said, explaining how a rumor can change as it passes from one person to another. "But to take something that has so many questions attached to it and to treat a rumor as fact is the basis for mass distortion. It's really a good example of Swift-boating." (Or Bat Shit Fucked Up Retardation)
Ward said McKinney could have easily verified the story by checking prison records.
"This is the kind of rumor that warrants fact-checking," she said. (I'm getting tired)
McKinney's presidential campaign did not respond to a request for comment. (I'll bet.)
A member of the House for 12 years until 2007,(I'll bet the voters of that district are proud) McKinney is no stranger to controversy. Shortly after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, she suggested that President Bush knew about the plot in advance but failed to warn Americans because of his father's business interests. (That actually sounds rational compared to this) Some political analysts say that statement contributed to her defeat in 2002. (That and the fact she's a stark raving loon)
After McKinney was re-elected in 2004, she tried to impeach Bush, Vice President Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on charges that they lied and manipulated intelligence to justify the war in Iraq. (Maybe that theory might have grown some legs if you didn't have Crazy Shit Pants McGee leading the charge) McKinney hit a career low point in 2006 when she was accused of striking a Capitol Police officer who grabbed her after she passed a security checkpoint without wearing a congressional lapel pin. She later apologized for the incident. She was defeated in a Democratic primary later that year and left the Democratic Party in 2007. (Kind of like how I "left" my last job after they shit canned me) She was nominated in July to run for president on the Green Party ticket. There are 245 other Green Party candidates running for office this fall. (And I'll bet they're happy about this.)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Men Are To Blame For...Sarah Palin?

Tracing source of women's hate for Palin

By Mary Schmich

A woman I like and respect spotted me in a coffeehouse (Hate to beat a dead horse here but does every Tribune columnist write in a coffeehouse and happen to run into an impetus for a column?) a few days ago and sat down at my table. Her first words, after she noticed my laptop, were: "I hope you're writing about Sarah Palin. Isn't she awful?"

She shuddered—literally, her body shook—and said she hated Palin.

I've found myself in this awkward position several times since Palin became the first Republican woman, only the second woman ever, to be nominated for vice president (I always found the one-leg-over-your-head Kama Sutra position kind of awkward.  Is that the awkwardness Mary is talking about?).

Female friends send me Facebook invitations to join "Women Against Sarah Palin" and forward group e-mails spreading Palin jokes or Palin information, some of it misinformation. (Go to to verify what you think you know.) (Umm....yeah...I went there and what I thought I knew is what I knew.  Way to assume otherwise.)

I can't count the times a woman has said to me, "I just hate her," then looked at me mystified when I've said I don't. (I think the friends she 'likes and respects' probably are using a short-hand conversational tool.  You know, summing up the whole Palin debacle where she's mind-blowingly unqualified for the job.  Dippiness + Smugness + Certitude = Hatred.  I don't hate her as a person.  I just don't think she should be in the same dimension as any VP candidate.  That's all.

There are good reasons to object to Sarah Palin's politics. (Thanks, Mary.  I was worried my reasons weren't good.)

If you're for reproductive freedom and against drilling in the Arctic wildlife, if you think global warming is a problem and global leaders should have a wide experience of the world, you can't want Palin to be posted a proverbial heartbeat away from the presidency. (Didn't Bush even say that global warming is a problem?  And I love how being qualified is no longer a qualification.)

There are good reasons, too, to question Palin's credentials for this job. (Thanks again.)

If you watched her stumble through thickets of fractured syntax in response to Katie Couric's questions last week, you know why even some of her defenders are having second thoughts.

But many women who hate Palin's politics have personalized her candidacy in a way that's tough to fathom. I hear men mock Palin, but I haven't yet heard one say, "I hate her." (They envy her boobs.  Or maybe it's the fact that Palin pretty much represents the antithesis of everything the women's movement tried to accomplish over the last 100 years.  You think they should just go lock-step because Palin also has a hoo-hoo?)

Hoping to tease out the nuances of the ill will, I called a female friend, an expert on this campaign. We riffed on the possibilities. If Sarah Palin weren't so pretty. If Sarah Palin were pro-choice. If Sarah Palin weren't so cocky. If Sarah Palin read Plato. If Sarah Palin were a man. If there were more women in politics. (Wow.  An ugly, pro-life, humble woman who reads Plato should be able to clean up then, right? At least in the women's demographic.)

If this, that or the other, Sarah Palin might not make so many women burn. We drew no conclusions. (So far, this column hasn't drawn any conclusions at all.  Where's she going with this?)

I relate to the betrayal, insult and worry the choice of Palin as John McCain's running mate stirs in many women. (Or maybe Mary could relate to the anger in women that Palin wears her ignorance like a badge of honor.  The first close race (Mondale-Ferraro doesn't count) where a woman could ascend to the highest office in the world and THIS is the woman it could be?)

Do the guys (whoa!  she's not...) who picked Palin in the hopes of nabbing Hillary Clinton supporters really think one size fits all? We've waited so long for a woman to make it to the White House and the closest we can come is one who can't volley with Katie Couric? And what if Palin's deficiencies make it easier to claim that women aren't fit for high public office? (Yes.  That's exactly what will happen.  We're all morons and will judge every woman running for office henceforth on Palin.)

At its most logical, the hatred many women profess for Palin is rooted in the feeling that she has ascended to power she hasn't earned and that she could turn that power against the beliefs and best interests of most women. (There.  Asked and answered.  What that so hard?)

But the way some women talk about her risks making us look like the very thing she is sometimes accused of being: mean girls. (Who gives a shit what it makes you look like!)

Palin is an ambitious, smart, energetic woman, who through work, luck, pluck and, yes, a ruthless streak common to politicians, has invented an uncommonly full life, which includes being governor of Alaska. There's a lot to admire. (You forgot 'gutsy'.  That's what we call women politicians now.  Ballsy McGrindies.)

If she'd also been wise and humble, she would have said, "Not yet," when she was asked to play in the big leagues. But what gutsy woman (There you go.) would have said no?

By the end of last week, even a couple of Palin haters I know had softened, slightly.

It hurt to watch her fumble through her interview with Katie Couric and pose nervously with Henry Kissinger. (Because it was unbelievably embarrassing!  I had to look away.  Mostly because I was embarrassed that the current American political system allowed for this to happen.)

Her weak week was enough to make at least a few people recognize that the real bad guys were the folks who seduced her for their political gain into thinking she was ready. (HOLY SHIT!!!!!  I didn't just read that.  I did not just read that.  It didn't happen.  What happened to 'gutsy and smart and energetic and luck and pluck and uncommonly full life'?  Mary has just negated the very thing for which women have fought against for decades.  That men are the only qualified people to make important decisions.  Mary just put the ultimate responsibility for making such a decision on people with penises and just negated her whole point.  Palin was not capable to make such a decision on her own and be ultimately held responsible for it.  Thanks, Mary.  Does that mean we should just go back to calling women 'cum-catchers'?)