Friday, November 28, 2008

It's Been Awhile Since We've Checked In On This Assbag

Phony balogna bullshit huckster David Wygant is back at it.

Over The River And Through Whole Foods… (barf bag, please)
Over the river and through Whole Foods to anyone’s house we go …

So on this Thanksgiving Day, I wanted to share with all of you my take on the day — as well as a little personal message from me. (Nice sentence. Again. Just one reread is all we're asking, David. One.)

Did you sing that song as a kid — you know, the “Over The River And Through The Woods To Grandmother’s House We Go …” song? (No. I was forced to recite it a few times in music class but I never actually sung it. I'm not a douchebag.) I never really understood the “over the river and through the woods” analogy for Thanksgiving because my Grandmother made the driest turkey this side of the Sahara Desert. (The song's from the 1800s, dumb ass. And....huh?)

We’re about to head into the holiday season. Six weeks of tedious annoying Zales Jewelers commercials, not to mention that lovely $69.00 diamond pendant with diamonds the size of bedbugs. (For those assholes who can't afford 3,000 diamonds. What a bunch of losers!)

What Thanksgiving really kicks off (other than the end of the Chargers’ playoff hopes) (oh, a sports reference. Too bad it's a bad one. The Chargers have been in the playoffs pretty damn consistently for the last 5 years. David has no clue about sports yet he tries to relate.)is the start of the most vulnerable six weeks of the year for singles. Let’s call it “the quest to meet someone before 5-4-3-2-1 woo hoo Happy New Year!” (When I was single I never once thought about this. Not...once.)

I’ve had some great Thanksgiving Days though. I remember a few years ago when I had nothing going on for Thanksgiving. (That does sound great.)So I walked into Whole Foods (fuck you. Is Whole Foods paying this douche?)the day before Thanksgiving and I picked up my Thanksgiving dinner: (stop saying Thanksgiving) a box of Peanut Butter Bumpers and soy milk. (I want to hit him harder than anyone I've ever hit in my life. Soy milk? You fuck stick.)

As I was looking for some pumpkin pie to finish off my sugar rush, I bumped into this really sexy woman who had a cart full of some really great looking food. (Great looking food?)So I started a conversation with her:

DW: “Your dinner looks a lot better than mine.”
Her: “Please tell me that’s not your Thanksgiving dinner.”
DW: “I’d love to tell you it’s not not my Thanksgiving dinner, but that would be a lie. I was going to get Cruchberries, but they were out of them. Crunchberries remind me of my Grandmother’s cranberry sauce and dried out turkey.” (This conversation has never happened. Guaranteed. A running joke here on the David Wygant Watch at SNC)

We proceeded to talk, and she said that she refused to let me eat Peanut Butter Bumpers for Thanksgiving … and I got invited to a Thanksgiving night party with her and seven of her friends. (That is a great story!)

I have a confession to make to all of you — I’ve done that every year I’ve been single. (Oh, what a cad!)

I actually enjoy spending Thanksgiving with total strangers. I mean, didn’t the pilgrims do that before they killed all the Indians? (White guilt--that's not tiring)Then again, my knowledge of history is a little poor at times … (Except when it involves your tedious matchmaking tales)

So if you want to know where I’ll be today, I will be spending the day with my girlfriend and having dinner with friends. (He's so much better than me and my pathetic attempts at spending time with 'family')

On a more serious note, (you were joking?) I do want to wish all of you and your families a very Happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful, and I am thankful for many things this year. A thanks to all of you for letting me come into your hearts, minds … and your computer screens this year. (Oh, no, thank you. You've given me shitloads of material)

Also, a special thank you to all the guys who — once again in overwhelmingly large numbers (6)— were kind enough to send me the feedback I requested yesterday for the upcoming launch of my membership site. (Just a sidenote--God what a cock.)

So Enjoy Turkey Day! (Stop. Just stop. And go to hell.)


Christo P. Ney said...

You want to know why that conversation didn't happen...or why there is a distinct possibility Dave's never been to Whole Foods?

They don't sell Crunchberries at Whole Foods.

Anonymous said...


Exactly! Crunchberries at Whole Foods? Oh. My. Living. God.

Mate, I may ask you to stop with this guy as my blood pressure can't take it.


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