Let's Draw Straws To See Who Gets Arkansas

Russian analyst predicts decline and breakup of U.S.

MOSCOW, November 24 (RIA Novosti) - A leading (really?) Russian political analyst has said the economic turmoil in the United States has confirmed his long-held view that the country is heading for collapse, and will divide into separate parts (Listening to blowhard Russians talk sometimes is like calling home to see how the family is doing?  To get an answer to a simple question, you have to wade through a chorus of backstories, posturings, injections of themselves into completely irrelevant stories, declarations of where they stand on such and such and a mountain of qualifications just to get to an answer to the question, "How's Uncle Bob doing?".) .

Professor Igor Panarin said in an interview with the respected daily Izvestia published on Monday: "The dollar is not secured by anything (Okay.  He has a mild point here.  America's expected progress when it comes to the value of the dollar is pretty much backed solely by the expected wonderfulness of the American dollar.  Nothing can go wrong with that, huh?). The country's foreign debt has grown like an avalanche (Check.  Can't argue much with that.  I thought my 20s were irresponsible.), even though in the early 1980s there was no debt.  By 1998, when I first made my prediction, it had exceeded $2 trillion. Now it is more than 11 trillion.  This is a pyramid that can only collapse." (Okay.  Now define 'collapse'.)

The paper said Panarin's dire predictions for the U.S. economy, initially made at an international conference in Australia 10 years ago at a time when the economy appeared strong, have been given more credence by this year's events.

When asked when the U.S. economy would collapse, Panarin said: "It is already collapsing.  Due to the financial crisis, three of the largest and oldest five banks on Wall Street have already ceased to exist, and two are barely surviving.  Their losses are the biggest in history.  Now what we will see is a change in the regulatory system on a global financial scale: America will no longer be the world's financial regulator." (Um...Igor.  Europe, by nearly everyone's financial assessment, is in worse shape than us.  So who's going to take the throne?  The National Bank of Djibouti?  The 'reliably' stable markets of Russia?  C'mon.)

When asked who would replace the U.S. in regulating world markets, he said: "Two countries could assume this role: China, with its vast reserves (Possible.  Some say if they play their cards right, China's the winner here.  If they don't, they're in the crapper...like the rest of us.), and Russia, which could play the role of a regulator in Eurasia." (Now there's a country with a track record for transparency and a beacon for the greater good to take us through the next century.)

Asked why he expected the U.S. to break up into separate parts (Wow.  Not only the meanderings of the stupid, but fun stupid.  Christo excited.), he said: "A whole range of reasons.  Firstly, the financial problems in the U.S. will get worse.  Millions of citizens there have lost their savings.  Prices (What?  I just filled up for a $1.93/gallon in Elmhurst Monday.) and unemployment are on the rise.  General Motors and Ford are on the verge of collapse (20 year curve, there.), and this means that whole cities will be left without work.  Governors are already insistently demanding money from the federal center (And aren't going to get it.  Blame the stupid-ass states who thought a mandatory, constitutional balanced budget was a good idea.  And a weird 90s conservative philosophy.  Deficits aren't always bad, people!).  Dissatisfaction is growing, and at the moment it is only being held back by the elections and the hope that Obama can work miracles.  But by spring, it will be clear that there are no miracles." (This is a growing sentiment among idiots.  Apparently, Obama has exactly three months to right a disaster that took 10 years to wrought.  Only in America.  Well, apparently not.  Sit back, relax, strap it down.  We're going to be here awhile with this recession/depression/calamity/"We're all going to die!) 

He also cited the "vulnerable political setup", "lack of unified national laws", and "divisions among the elite, which have become clear in these crisis conditions." (Vague enough for ya?  Can't you use those three things to explain every kind of crisis in the history of history?  French Revolution?  Check.  Russian Revolution?  Check.  And so on and so on.  Sounds like one of my Political Science papers in college.  'Vulnerable political setup' opened every third paragraph.)

He predicted that the U.S. will break up into six parts - the Pacific coast, with its growing Chinese population; the South, with its Hispanics; Texas, where independence movements are on the rise; the Atlantic coast, with its distinct and separate mentality; five of the poorer central states with their large Native American populations; and the northern states, where the influence from Canada is strong. (BHAHAHAHA!!!!  Canada gets New York!  The Sioux gets Iowa!  The Asians get Seattle!  Texas secedes!  Well.  I might be able to get behind that.)  

He even suggested that "we could claim Alaska - it was only granted on lease, after all." (Insert Sarah Palin joke here.)

On the fate of the U.S. dollar, he said: "In 2006 a secret agreement was reached between Canada, Mexico and the U.S. on a common Amero currency as a new monetary unit.  This could signal preparations to replace the dollar.  The one-hundred dollar bills that have flooded the world could be simply frozen.  Under the pretext, let's say, that terrorists are forging them and they need to be checked." (What?  No reference to Jews taking over the world?  C'mon.  If you're going to talk like a nut-bag, at least do it right.)

When asked how Russia should react to his vision of the future, Panarin said: "Develop the ruble as a regional currency. Create a fully functioning oil exchange, trading in rubles... We must break the strings tying us to the financial Titanic, which in my view will soon sink." (And we all know how historically stable the ruble is.)

Panarin, 60, is a professor at the Diplomatic Academy of the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and has authored several books on information warfare. (Scintillating reads, I'm sure.  And is the Diplomatic Academy hiring?  Talk about a Fun.  Place.  To work!  Igor, you had me at 'Amero currency'.  You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me haaapppyy, when skies are gray...)