Monday, August 25, 2008

I Hate Him I Hate Him I Hate Him

"Dating Coach/Bullshit Slinger/Huckster" David Wygant has a new piece up at his website.

Single Mommies
Let’s talk about single mothers. (Let's!)
I was with the guys today (“the guys” are Rey and Rich – Rey the assistant and Rich the intern.) (These are guys we're talking about?) We went to Whole Foods today, (fuck off)and I started flirting with this single mom in line while we were checking out. (You knew she was single how? Brand on forehead? Because Lord knows alot of husbands/fathers don't stay home when their wife goes grocery shopping.) She was very pretty, very sexy, and very nice – and attached to a five-year-old. The five-year-old was great – really cute and amusing, but he needed ALL of his mother’s attention. When we left the market, one of the guys said, “oh wow, that mom was really attracted to you! Why didn’t you ask her out?” (This so didn't happen except in David's mind--what guy talks like that?)
I responded, “well, there really wasn’t the time – her kid was pulling on her arm!” It was really hard to talk to her, and you also have to respect the fact that she is with her child. (Was this before or after the flirting?)But she was definitely vibing me (vibing you?)and I probably would have asked her out if I would have had the opportunity – when her little boy wasn’t pulling on her. (Kind of a long and TO THE POINT explanation. Again, this didn't happen. David is making this up)
I also don’t particularly want to ask her out if she’s not a single mom! I wouldn’t want her kid to go home and say, “daddy, daddy, guess what happened today? Mommy got asked out by this guy in Whole Foods!” (Ya think?)
So I’ve got some advice for all of you single mothers out there: if you are out with your kids and a guy starts talking to you, he is exactly what you want because he already knows that you have children! (A guy hitting on you at the grocery store. Shoot for the stars, ladies. Remember, this guy gets paid to do this.)
So many single mothers have this issue about dating – “how am I going to date? How will I meet someone? Nobody wants me when I have a kid!” But it’s not true! (Yes it is)
If we are flirting with you and we see that you have a kid attached to your arm, we don’t care! (And we're horny--and it's pretty obvious you put out)We don’t care if you are a mom; we want to date you – plain and simple. (or fuck you. Or both. Hey. Win/win)
If you’re a single mom and you’re out with your kids, you have to lie down some clues and hints for the guy you’re flirting with. You have to stop for a second. Obviously, don’t kick the kid out into the street – “hey, mommy will be right back!” – nothing that blunt, but maybe say something like, “yeah, he’s just lacking male attention,” (Ewww..) or “he just gets jealous when his mom talks to another man” – something funny. (That was a joke?)
This will let the guy know that you want to be asked out. We’ll ask you out very quickly once we know that you’re open to it, but you need to say something that permits us to do it. (
We totally understand that you are a mom, we understand that you’re hanging out with your kid; but we don’t want to ask you out if we’re not sure that you are single. (Yeah, slime balls at the grocery store have some scruples)
We don’t want the kid going home and being scarred for life after seeing his mom getting hit on at Whole Foods. ( 5 year olds really know alot about flirting)You never know what could happen – he could end up with pure approach anxiety or turn out to be some seducing ladies man after watching his mom get hit on all of the time. (Smacks hand into forehead)
Lay down some clues for us! Clues are always good. We need them once in a while. And do you know what? If I ever see you without your kid, I will definitely ask you out. But the next time I see you with your kid, give me a clue! (Is he getting paid by the word? You JUST SAID THIS!)
I’m gutsy, and I’ll ask out everybody – but I’m also very respectful of a lot of things. (Obviously)


Anonymous said...

Okay. This guy needs a severe beating. That's it.

(a la Peter Griffin - slap hands)


Christo P. Ney said...


First, Wygant is such a fucking expert on dating that he's resorted to hitting on single mothers at Whole Foods?

Second, he has an intern? Get the cameras and get that onto Bravo right fucking now! I'm sure it wouldn't be as good as Bridezillas but, you know, what is?

Third, and probably most important, he says 'if a guy hits on you in the grocery store when you're with your kid, he's exactly what you're looking for because he already knows you have children.'

Could that be more insulting to single mothers? Positing that, as a group, they're so desperate that any guy who knows they have kids and STILL wants to date you better be snatched up ASAP regardless of, you know, every other fucking factor!

He's on the Bus List. Welcome aboard.

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine my fist staying by my side if I met this fucker. Of course, I'd have to stop laughing or vomiting first.


Mate Famber said...

I guarantee you he went to Whole Foods just so he could say he went to Whole Foods.