Friday, August 29, 2008

Glenn Beck: Fuckstick of the Week

We here at the SNC will be doing a new feature every Friday. It's called "Fuckstick of the Week".
The inaugural winner is somehow famous/has a show on CNN despite no one ever hearing of him/gas bag Glenn Beck:

Editor's note: Glenn Beck is on CNN Headline News nightly at 7 and 9 ET and also hosts a conservative national radio talk show.
Glenn Beck has been watching the convention from home and doesn't believe everything he's hearing.

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Here at the Glenn Beck program, the budget isn't exactly that impressive. We're not the federal government, with a limitless American Express card that we never have to pay off. (Oh, take that, Congressional Budget Office!)
So, instead of traveling to Denver, Colorado, and reporting on the Democratic National Convention in a fancy suit like a real show, I get to watch the speeches at my house in my boxers. (Or a ball gag)Sorry for that image. Here are my impressions of some of the noteworthy quotes from the convention so far, which I observed from a safe distance.
Nancy Pelosi: "I am very proud of the Democrats in Congress."
Never mind that no Congress in the past 20 years has passed fewer public laws than this one, according to the Wall Street Journal. How could they? (I thought government was a bad thing. Lesser laws would be good, right?)
They are spending one quarter of their work week debating and passing symbolic measures such as creating National Watermelon Month. (Yeah, first Congress to ever do shit like this)The Journal says no Congress in the past two decades has proposed more symbolic resolutions than this one -- 1,900, for those of you keeping score at home.
Pelosi went on to mention 10 specific accomplishments, which worked out to 0.9 accomplishments per percentage point of congressional approval rating. Ten accomplishments, 9% approval.
Nancy Pelosi: "On the most important policy decision of our time, the war in Iraq, Barack Obama is right and John McCain is wrong -- very, very wrong."
By her definition, do you know who else was very, very wrong? The Democratic vice presidential nominee, Sen. Joe Biden. And the last vice president they nominated, John Edwards. And the guy he ran with, John Kerry. And your headline speaker Tuesday night, Hillary Clinton, among many, many others. (Hypebole at a party convention?! Well, I never...)
Michelle Obama: "That's why I left a job at a law firm for a career in public service, working to empower young people to volunteer in their communities."Michelle Obama's chosen career path led her to make $275,000 per year at a private hospital. Is that really a "public service" job? (Yes. It's a hospital.)
It seems to me that a Republican wouldn't be able to get away with such a generous assessment of their résumé. (The current asshole occupying the Oval Office and his evil henchman, Cheney leap to mind) They would surely be harassed for making a six-figure salary inside the evil health care industry, while millions suffer without insurance. (Yep. And rightfully so..)
But hey, there's nothing wrong with making money, at least to me. And remember, she didn't say she was volunteering. She said she was "working to empower young people to volunteer," which is totally different. (Glenn has a BIG problem with women, a la Rush, his hero in douchbaggery)
Michelle Obama: Barack Obama will achieve his goals "the same way he always has -- by bringing us together and reminding us how much we share and how alike we really are."
How will he do it? He'll talk everyone into it. Yes, that has worked with his nomination, but can he "remind" me into wanting the government to pay for universal everything? (Glenn has never actually listened to anything Obama has said. Ever.)
I don't think so. I must not be hoping hard enough for change.
Michelle Obama: If her husband wins, her children can tell their kids someday that they "decided to stop doubting and to start dreaming."
Sometimes doubting is good. For example, it's good to doubt that other countries' failing policies, such as universal health care, will suddenly work here. (This is Glenn and the Right Wing's use of the Mariotti Thoery where if you just keep saying it it must be true. Universal health care works in every western European country and Canada. You know those countries whose currency is currently turning the dollar into a Mr. Mouth game piece?)
Hillary Clinton: "John McCain doesn't think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis."
She must have missed the update that this number dropped by over a million. (Oh, problem solved.)While it's still too high, I doubt she would have missed the news if it had risen.
She also missed, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, that 37 percent of the uninsured live in households making more than $50,000 a year, most of which can afford health insurance. (What's the color of the sky in Glenn's world?)
Twenty percent aren't even citizens of this country. (This is simply and utterly bull shit. It's bull shit. It's a trumped up, out of thin air number that the Insurance industry conjured up.This is nowhere near the actual number. Not...even..close..Again, Mariotti Theory) One in three are eligible for government insurance, but aren't enrolled. So, while our health care is far from perfect, it's much better than Hillary wants you to believe. (Is Hillary the nominee? Did I miss something? Again. Glenn has some issues with the women)
Hillary Clinton: "I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours."
So, how will raising the minimum wage get that mom more hours? If the business owner found her employment too expensive at the lower wage, won't they be cutting her hours even more now? (Fuck lets pay 'em nuthin'. That would work too.)
By the way, since the minimum wage increase, teenage unemployment is at a 15-year high. I'm sure there's no relation whatsoever. (It's called X-Box)
Joe Biden: "Even today, as oil companies post the biggest profits in history ... John wants to give them another $4 billion in tax breaks."
Here is the justification behind this talking point:
1.) John McCain wants to cut corporate income taxes for all companies.
2.) Oil companies are companies.
That's it.
Democrats believe that you think oil companies are mean, so they single them out, hoping you think McCain has cut a special deal just for them. He hasn't. (But has continually voted against alternative fuels and carbon emission reduction...I'm sure the oil companies didn't have a say in that battle)
I guess it's really hard to drum up anger against your opponent when you say, "John McCain wants to cut taxes for companies that make delicious ice cream sundaes, feed the puppies of toddlers and fix veterans' wheelchairs," but that's just as truthful as what Biden said. (huh?)
Tonight, it's Barack Obama, at a football stadium, in front of what Reuters says looks like a Greek temple. Next week, we'll get to watch the Republicans' attempt at choreographed pageantry.
Am I the only one who can't wait for November fifth? (Is that the day you're canceled?)
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the writer.

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