Anybody Up For Some Bacon-Wrapped Bacon?

As a former fatty, I could talk about psychological battle of losing weight for months.  It's entirely complicated, loaded with nuances and an infinite amount of talking points.

Thank you, Jan Hoffman of the New York Times Style section.  She successfully writes an entire article without including one of those.

Count the number of times she mentions possible sneers from the public toward a fat person and count the number of times she fails to mention the health risks of being fat.  

Bingeing on Celebrity Weight Battles

By JAN HOFFMAN (Yes.  That Jan Hoffman.)

WHEN Kirstie Alley recently stepped onto the scale for the first time in 15 months, she screamed (If you had fat hoss in the poll, you lose.  If you had sweaty fat hoss, collect your money at the front desk).

When Oprah Winfrey realized she was the “dreaded 2-0-0,” she wrote in the January issue of her magazine: “I’m mad at myself. I’m embarrassed.” (Piffle.  Tip 265 and feel like you should shower every time you take a crap and get back to me.)

In the last year, so many celebrities have shared their body battles with us: Carnie Wilson.  Kathy Ireland.  Valerie Bertinelli.  Marie Osmond.  Melissa Joan Hart.  Up, down. Up, down (It's been a great ride).

Up.

The scale said 228 pounds, recalled Ms. Alley, who famously (?) lost 75 pounds on the Jenny Craig diet .  She had gained it all back and then some (Bullshit.  "And then some" would connote 25 pounds max.  No fucking way Kirstie Alley was ever 150.  Us Magazine would have told me).  Earlier this month she told People: “I was so much more disgusting than I thought!”

Really? (Jan's a fattty.)

That view is not shared by Gabrielle Gregg, a 22-year-old from Detroit who writes a fashion blog, “Young, Fat and Fabulous.” (Natch.)

“I’m 200 pounds and I don’t think I’m disgusting,” she said.

In addition to tracking celebrities’ tours of duty in rehab and fashion faux pas, the public has become the official weight watcher, checking the cellulite and food choices of the famous with a gotcha zeal. (No, Jan.  Your little cadre of friends and your little sphere of existence "has become the official weight watcher."  Quit projecting your stupid-ass crap on my world.)

Some celebrities, like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Tyra Banks, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson and Kelly Clarkson, respond to the tabloid finger-pointing with shoulder shrugs or defiance.

But others take part eagerly.  Their weight sagas inevitably include self-abasement as a springboard to their new selves. “Hideous!” Ms. Alley commented about one of her photographs.

How do heavy (Carol word!  "She's a heavy-set woman.") women — many of whom bluntly describe themselves as fat (THE HORROR!!!) — respond to these sagas?  Judging by the Internet applause, many feel inspired and connect to the celebrities’ seeming candor (Candor?  Fat's fat, and that's that.  What?  I have to add 'fat' to the list of words I can't use now?).

But for many, these mortification-of-the-flesh narratives are not galvanizing, but toxic, undermining their hard-won self-esteem and exacerbating the derision they face (Butch up, Sally.).  These celebrity stories can even be counterproductive:  health experts say that many famous dieters flaunt weight-loss goals that are unrealistic for most obese women (Here's an idea.  DON'T TAKE WEIGHT LOSS AND BODY IMAGE ADVICE FROM FUCKING TELEVISION AND PEOPLE FUCKING MAGAZINE!!!!).

It’s not that these women are unsympathetic to Ms. Alley.  Been there, felt that. “You loathe yourself,” Ms. Alley told People. “You hate what you’ve done to yourself.”

But the yo-yo dieting and disparaging comments prompt some women to feel unmotivated and hopeless.

“I can’t believe this is still getting to me,” said Sarah Morice, 31, a doctoral candidate in theology at Notre Dame. “I see what Kirstie Alley says about herself and how easy it is for that to become my script.  It’s easy to lapse into ‘Oh, my body’s ugly,’ and ‘What’s the use?’ She triggers all those messages for me.” (Oh.  Ma  God.  We're talking about a doctoral candidate...in theology...at Notre Dame...seeing herself psychologically on par with...Kirstie Alley.  And actually taking something from it.)

For women who have made peace with their bodies, confessions by Ms. Winfrey and Ms. Alley seem puzzling, even irritating. To them, the “before” shots of these celebrities look pretty good.

(I'm a bad person and going straight to hell.)

“Kirstie looks the same as me, to the inch, height and weight,” said Emily Schaibly Greene, 29, a medical lab technician in Hattiesburg, Miss.  “It took me a long time to get there (You were bigger?  Going straight to hell times 12,000), but I’m feeling good with how I look.  But it’s difficult to keep liking the way I look when I’m reading that it’s gross.” (I'm going to write something:   Larry King is the smartest human in the recorded history of the world and you're a moron if you don't think so.  Now...Emily.  Read that 2,000 times.  

Waiting...  

Okay, Emily.  Do you think Larry King is the smartest man in the world?  If you do, I can't help you.  In fact, nobody can.  If you like yourself, like yourself.  If you don't and think you could stand to lose of few pounds, put down the lard-infused lard and do it.  I get it.  The girl world is an infinitely complex one that men can't ever fully know but it's time for women to start crying foul on the stupidity of women.  Taking advice from celebrities is step one.  Step two is liking Sarah Palin because she also sports a va-jay-jay but one step at a time.)

Of course, celebrities, especially those with diet products and books to sell, never intended to make women feel bad about themselves.  In 1988, Ms. Winfrey, emerging cocoon-like from her first major public diet, put on her skinny jeans and triumphantly lugged a wagon loaded with 67 pounds of fat, setting herself up as an inspirational role model.  She could do it; so could they.

When the surgeon general issued a call to action about obesity in 2001, celebrity weight-loss regimens took on the mantle of public service.

Since then, Americans have become increasingly intimate with how famous people transform their bodies.  Some celebrities, like Carnie Wilson and Valerie Bertinelli, invited us to scrutinize their bathroom scales, portion sizes or even gastric bypasses.

Losing weight is also TV entertainment, from “The Biggest Loser” to “Bulging Brides” (“The perfect day is still pounds away!”).

If you can judge celebrities and TV contestants, does that give you license to judge the woman on the street?  Lesley Kinzel, who writes for the blog Fatshionista and weighs about 300 pounds, says she has to brace herself when she goes out in Boston (Yes.  The extreme health problems and infinite complications involved with carrying around so much weight, something that has been studied and documented ad nauseam, is a myth.  The real problem is what Douchey McDouchebag at the corner Starbuck's might say under his breath.).

“When you have famous people turning their weight tribulations into mass-media extravaganzas,” she said, “they’re contributing to a culture where passing comments on strangers’ bodies is considered O.K.”. (Still no mention of the health risks, only what some jag-bag might think.)   

When a celebrity regains weight, it doesn’t have to register as a fall from sylph-grace (Jan really dug into the thesaurus for that one).  Rebecca Puhl, an expert on weight stigma at Yale’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, said that when Oprah Winfrey is frank about her fluctuations, she has the potential to normalize the conversation.

“Celebrities can show us how complex this problem is, “she said. “Even if you have all the resources at your fingertips, it doesn’t make you immune. So it’s important to see that it’s a battle for everyone.” (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

But the goals celebrities set for themselves can be problematic, Dr. Puhl added.  Ms. Alley, who is 58 years old (Really?) and 5 feet 8 inches tall, told People, “I have to be below 140 to really look good.” Many experts counsel obese patients to lose about 10 percent of their weight rather than aim for an ideal number.  For a 300-pound person, that’s 30 pounds.

Dr. Puhl worries that many celebrities cast their weight gain as a failure of character. (And celebrities have always been known as the real arbiter of truth and reason.)

Last week, for instance, People magazine featured the actress Melissa Joan Hart, in a bikini and weighing 113 pounds, saying her heavier, post-pregnancy self was “horrifying.”

“The culture rewards that self-disgust,” said Kate Harding, one of the authors of “Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body.”  “Once you acknowledge that your body is not O.K., then people love you, because that’s what expected of fat people all the time.” (Society's fault, not the block of cheese you ate at 3am last night.)

A fat person on a diet sends a social and moral message, said Charlotte Biltekoff, an assistant professor at the University of California, Davis who researches food and cultural values.  That is because Americans equate body size with Puritan values (And we get to the impetus of this entry for the SNC.  Puritan values?  Puritan values.  Somebody has a book to sell and desperately wants to make tenure.  Stupid theses usually do the trick.  Like Dr. Biltekoff's forthcoming book, The Terror Within:  Obesity In Post 9/11 U.S. Life.).  Thin means self-discipline and hard work; fat implies laziness, gluttony and lack of willpower (Well...).

A dieter signals publicly that she is “in the process of self-denial, recovery and reform,” Dr. Biltekoff said. “So the pursuit of thinness may mean as much as thinness itself.  Oprah and Kirstie are performing this for us.”

Laura Miller, 28, an unemployed saleswoman in an Atlanta suburb, has been Good Kirstie and Bad Kirstie.  Ms. Miller once lost more than 100 pounds and even worked for a diet center.  She understands well the riveting, schadenfreude appeal of celebrity confessions.  It is no small feat to have arrived at a proud weight and believe that you’ve done something Oprah herself couldn’t.

“While I was losing weight and heard about people gaining it back, I felt so morally superior to them,” Ms. Miller said (Sounds like a personality flaw to me.  Thanks for sharing that, Laura.).

But then she couldn’t stop the weight loss.  She felt physically awful, even as friends told her how lucky she was to finally be losing pounds effortlessly.

In fact, she said, she was gravely ill.  She was hospitalized with what turned out to be Type 1 diabetes. (Don't lose weight, people!  It'll give you diabetes.)

She is healthier now, but is back to 200 pounds.  At the market, shoppers glance from her to her cart (Ugh.  Still.  No.  Mention.  Of.  The.  Health.  Risks.  Just more of this crap?!)  “Kirstie and Oprah help the public to believe that we have only ourselves to blame,” Ms. Miller said. “ ‘You did this to yourself, you should feel bad.’ ” (I totally forgot.  I put the fork in her mouth because I watched E! News a few nights ago.)

That accusation can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, Dr. Puhl said.  People who internalize the stereotypes, she said, “are more likely to engage in binge eating and other unhealthy behaviors that lead to weight gain.” (So...is there anything that's our fault?  If society bought the two dozen doughnuts and society made me eat them while sitting on the couch for 600 hours straight, shouldn't I be getting reimbursed by the government or something under the American Puritan Values Exploitation Act of 1997?  Or can't we just tie it in to the GM bailout?)

About seven years ago, Dr. David A. Kessler, a former commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration (I talked to that dude for a story in 2001.  And it was about an obesity drug.  Weird.), was watching Oprah Winfrey’s show as a woman berated herself for eating even when she wasn’t hungry, calling herself “fat” and “ugly.”

It’s no wonder she ate compulsively, Dr. Kessler said.  His new book, “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite,” looks at how the brain, beginning in childhood, is stimulated by foods loaded with fat, sugar and salt. (I'm suddenly craving a deep-fried Snickers bar with ranch dipping sauce.  You?)

“Celebrities perpetuate the idea that we have a handle on this, that we understand what is driving our behavior,” Dr. Kessler said. But resisting certain foods “is not an issue of willpower. This is not about shame and humiliation.” 

Developing new, rewarding stimuli takes time, said Dr. Kessler, a former yo-yo dieter himself.

“No one wants to be fat,” he added, “but I care most that people stop beating up on themselves.”  (We made it!!  Three mentions of society giving shameful looks and not one mention of the health risks!!!  Jan, you are my sunshine.  Now, if we can only find a way to blame society for the plague of baldness.  Where would I pick up my check?) 

OK...She's Officially On My Nerves...

Suze Orman's recession rescue plan




(OPRAH.COM) -- Do you know what your family would do if you lost your job -- or worse, your home? (Yeah, shake my head in smug dissatisfaction) Financial expert Suze Orman is ready to help you devise a recession rescue plan to survive -- and possibly thrive -- during this deepening financial crisis. (Oh, thrive? Yes!)

Suze Orman says you should pay the minimum on credit cards until you have eight-month emergency fund. (And I get this emergency fund while not working how?)

Families are also losing their homes at a staggering rate. Each day, another 10,000 homes are foreclosed, forcing families to turn to shelters filled to capacity. Left with no place else to go, some people are putting makeshift roofs over their heads in tent cities. (John Steinbeck is writing a book about them)
As the crisis continues, it's easy to let fear take over -- but it doesn't have to. (It is more fun, however.) Orman's five-step plan can help you rise above and take control. "There's only one person that's going to save you right now, and that's yourself," she says. (Oh, God, that's great. Affirmations. That's all we need!) "You have got to get on what I'm calling the 'save yourself movement.' Each and every one of you has to have your own personal financial stimulus action plan." (There it is! Stimulus plan. I knew it was coming!)
Step 1: Live on half
Whether you're single or in a double-income household, Orman says you need to live on only half of what you're used to -- and put the rest in the bank. (Does that include buying a half tank of gas to get to work?) "If all of a sudden you find yourself without a job -- or your partner finds themselves without a job -- you are now going to have your income cut by 50 percent almost immediately," Orman says. (Wow. That's some incite, there, Suze.)
Unemployment also only makes up about 50 percent of your income, Orman says.
By living on half now, Orman says you'll know whether you can really afford to pay your bills if the worst happens. "When you are freaked out, that is not the time that you go through your expenses and go, 'Should I cut here?'" she says. (But it is what has to happen in many cases. But that's for a different time.)
Orman says to try living on half for six months. "Chances are, it will take you six months to eight months to one year [to find a job]," Orman says. "See what would happen if recession really hit into your lives. Would you be able to make it?" (Better yet, rent half your apartment to a squatter)
Step 2: Stash your cash
In today's economy, cash is king -- and your credit could be shrinking daily.
Before this recession, credit cards could always be used in case of emergency. Now, Orman says credit card companies are making it more difficult for people to use their cards. (By putting glue on the stripe) Afraid people won't be paying their bills, Orman says companies are closing accounts with zero balances, reducing credit limits for those paying a little at a time and hiking up interest rates. (They can't turn a profit on government bailout money alone? Have a heart!)
If your credit card is no longer available, what do you do if you lose your job and have no savings? "You will be in serious trouble," Orman says. (Gets paid millions for this sage advice, folks. Millions.)
Before the recession, Orman says she would advise anyone with a severance payment or a small lump sum to put it toward debt. But as the economy changes, so must your financial strategy, Orman says -- which is why she's changing the advice she's been giving for years. (No spine.)
"If all you currently have is a very small emergency fund and you have unpaid credit card debt, ... you are only to pay the minimum amount due on your credit cards," she says. "Stash the cash till you have at least an eight-month emergency fund." (Huh? I thought people who only paid minimum were getting their cards devoured?)
Paying only minimums doesn't give you the license to rack up a bigger balance. "No credit card usage, everybody," Orman says. "Pay for things in cash." (But only pay half. Lanlords love that.)
Step 3: Make the stimulus package work for you
Part of the intention behind the economic stimulus plan passed by Congress is to create millions of jobs for Americans -- but it's also designed to lend a helping hand to those out of work. (Unemployment insurance was around a long time before this)
Many people who have been laid off qualify for COBRA health coverage. (Oh, yeah! Anybody who has ever been on COBRA will tell you how fantastic it is!) "If you happen to get laid off, you lose your job, you have 18 months where that company has got to cover you with health insurance," Orman says.
COBRA can be very expensive (no shit), but Orman has good news -- the government is now subsidizing your premium. For nine months, you only have to pay 35 percent of the monthly premium. After the nine months, you're back to paying 100 percent. (So when that baby comes, you're on your own..)
This coverage is available to anyone who was laid off between September 1, 2008, through the end of 2009 -- as long as your company provides COBRA. You have 60 days to enroll, and you can get it even if you declined your employer's initial offer. Employers and employees can learn more at the Department of Labor's Web site
Another aim of the stimulus package is to give the economy a much-needed boost -- especially in the housing market. Part of the plan includes an $8,000 tax credit for first-time home buyers. "This is for only homes purchased in 2009," Orman says. "If you owe $10,000 on taxes, you're going to only owe $2,000 after it's over. It comes off your actual taxes that you owe." (Thanks, Captain Obvious)
In order to take advantage of this incentive, Orman says you have to qualify. "You cannot make more than $75,000 a year of adjusted gross income if you are single; $150,000 in adjusted gross income if you are married, filing jointly," Orman says. (I think she's just reading off a government website. Seriously, punch in "New home owner 2009 taxes" in Google and you get this same info.)
But it may not be a great deal for all first-timers.
Step 4: Make your home affordable
Skyrocketing foreclosure rates and plummeting home prices have brought the country to the brink. If you're about to fall behind on your mortgage -- or even lose your home -- Orman says there's a way to keep a roof over your head.
The Homeowner Affordability and Stability Plan hopes to help as many as 9 million American families afford their homes. It's comprised of two parts -- the Home Affordable Modification program and the Home Affordable Refinance program.
The loan modifcation program is designed to help families dangerously close to foreclosure. The government estimates it could help 3 to 4 million homeowners keep their homes and reduce their monthly mortgage payments.
Orman says there are two things you have to do to see if you qualify:
• Go to MakingHomeAffordable.gov. The government site will ask you a series of questions and assess your eligibility. (Do you have any living heirs? Can we take some tissue from the back of the neck?)
• If the site says you are eligible, contact your bank to see if they will give you a modification. (Oh, yeah, those banks. I'll hold my breath.)
So who will benefit from the Home Affordable Refinance program? People who aren't in danger of losing their homes now but still want to lower their mortgage payments. (hmm...that sounds like that could be EVERYBODY!) The government estimates this program will help 4 to 5 million homeowners who hold mortgages through Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac and are current on their mortgage payments. If they qualify, these homeowners will be able to refinance at a better interest rate -- even if their homes have lost value. (sounds fool proof)
Orman says there are two things you have to do to see if you qualify:
• Make sure your mortgage is backed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. Visit FannieMae.com or FreddieMac.com to find out.
• Go to MakingHomeAffordable.gov The government site will ask you a series of questions and assess your eligibility. (Same as before except this time they really mean it!)
Step 5: Look at what you have, not what you had
How much longer should we expect times to be tough? "Things will get better, get worse. ... [In] the next two or three years, it will start to turn around," Orman says. "But I'm so sorry to say it will be, in my opinion, 2015 until every single person feels hopeful again." (And she grabs a rabbit out of her ass! How the fuck does she know?!)
Which is why Orman says it's so important to look at what you have and be grateful, instead of looking at what you've lost and feel angry. "If you continuously look in the rearview mirror while you're going forward, you're going to get in an accident. And the victim of that accident is going to be you," she says. "Don't compare. You'll feel stronger, you'll have more energy and you'll be able to turn this around." (Tony Robbins said the same thing at the "Bullshit Affirmation and Platitude Seminar at the Oakland Civic Center last month!)
Be grateful for the savings account you do have or the family that has helped you through. Although she knows it isn't easy, Orman urges everyone to see what they've been through as a kind of blessing. "When you are grateful -- when you can see what you have -- you unlock blessings to flow in your life." (Living underneath a bridge really brought us together..)
From The Oprah Winfrey Show (Naturally)

Try Not to Hurl....

Boo Fuckin' Hoo

Boston Globe
April 21, 2009

CAMBRIDGE - They have managed to get into one of the world's most selective (most expensive) colleges. Opportunity is knocking at their door.

But at some point in their life, though perhaps later than most, Harvard students will face the stinging slap the rest of the world feels regularly: rejection. (shake it off, twit)

The dirty secret is out. Harvard students fail sometimes. They are denied jobs, fellowships, A's they think they deserve. They are passed over for publication, graduate school, and research grants. And when that finally happens, it hurts. Big time. (there's a support group for that. It's called "Everybody")

To help students cope (weep), Harvard's Office of Career Services hosted a new seminar last week on handling rejection, a fear job-seekers are feeling acutely in the plummeting economy. The advice from panelists could have come from a caring, patient (incredibly wealthy) parent. No rejection is the end of the world, they said, even though it might feel that way at the time. (I think my dad had the same fucking speech after I lost our Little League championship. Not kidding)

Participants, who wore snappy buttons with the word rejected stamped in red (scarlet?), also received a road map of sorts on handling failure, a pink booklet of rejection letters and personal stories from Harvard faculty, students, and staff members. (one story: "I got turned down for a job and I went out and tried for another one." End of story. Wasn't that helpful?)

Among the tales of woe: the 2004 alumnus and aspiring actor rejected for a barista gig at a Los Angeles Starbucks for being overqualified (um....everyone who works at Starbucks is overqualified. They pour coffee. No offense baristas....Baristas....jesus. Really? We're going to give this term to these workers as if they're a sommelier) and the medical school professor who was wait-listed at every medical school he applied to.

Senior Olga Tymejczyk (Irish?) arrived at the seminar early. With just a month and a half until graduation, Tymejczyk has applied for 10 jobs, but has no offers. (ten job applications? Fuck. You're toast. That's it. Just give up.)

"Rejection is inevitable sometimes, even if you go to Harvard," said Tymejczyk, a Latin American studies major who wants to work in higher-education administration or healthcare research. She has two more interviews this week, and she is hoping for the best but bracing for more bad news. (Expect the worst. That'll get you the gig. Employers LOVE underconfidence.)

Panelist Pat Hernandez knows a thing or two about setbacks. The 2004 Harvard graduate was rejected by all three graduate schools she applied to two years ago, after losing out on numerous consulting jobs.

"It's something many people are ashamed or reluctant to talk about," said Hernandez, who serves as a resident tutor for Harvard undergraduates. "Those who deal with rejection more frequently take it in stride and bounce back better." (Harvard-educated, indeed)

Hernandez spent the last two years conducting academic research and applied to graduate schools again. She plans to attend Harvard Business School in the fall for a doctorate in organizational behavior and management. (Jesus....here's an idea: LEAVE SCHOOL! If it's so fucking awful)

Another panelist, Harvard statistics professor Xiao-Li Meng (Jewish?), took a humorous approach on the sore subject. His two-page take on rejection (that's a good use of your time, Xiao) , printed in the pink booklet, starts with this theorem: "For any acceptance worth competing for, the probability of a randomly selected applicant being rejected is higher than the probability of being accepted." (humorous? How about downright fucking hilAAAAARIIIIOUS!!!!?!? He should write for Conan!)

Hernandez and Meng said students should learn to see rejection as an opportunity to improve themselves, so that by the time they summon the courage to try again, they will be better candidates. (This is a revolutionary idea....wait...I think I heard this on Oprah) Or they can view failure as a blessing, like the would-be barista who reconsidered his goals and launched a tutoring company called, appropriately enough, Overqualified. (read: snobby)

But how does one move forward, implored another graduate student facing rejection after rejection, when everyone else in the world thinks: "Surely, you have a Harvard degree. You'll get a job." (how does one move forward? Jesus Christ on a cracker....grow a pair, would ya'? Love to have you in a foxhole with me. Damn.)

Abigail Lipson - director of the Bureau of Study Counsel, which cosponsored last week's seminar - had some advice in the pink bulletin: "We learn to recognize our bad feelings as an indication that we care, we have high standards and high hopes, and we expect a lot of ourselves and of the world, rather than assuming that we are hopelessly untalented or unworthy." (turn that statement around and you might get closer to the truth. Recognize your bad feelings that you might actually not have the fucking cajones to pull off the job. Just a thought.)

Hard as it is for some to believe, there are candidates more worthy than Harvard students, Professor Meng quipped, in language befitting his field. "Statistically you are rejected, and probablistically it is fair." (Professor Meng needs to be slapped. Hard....often)

Earth Hour! YAY!

Lights go out across planet for Earth Hour

(CNN) -- Lights went off across the world Saturday as millions of homes and businesses went dark for one hour in a symbolic (thereby, meaningless) gesture highlighting concerns over climate change.

More than 2,800 cities and towns worldwide dimmed their lights at 8:30 p.m. local time (after the business day was done? Big sacrifice) for the third annual Earth Hour -- a day-long energy-saving marathon spanning 83 countries and 24 time zones.

In Washington, the lights went out at the Capitol dome at 8:30 p.m. ET; the same time the Empire State Building, Central Park and the George Washington Bridge in New York went dark (good thing I wasn't driving in the GW at 8:30pm, then).

The Philippines topped this year's participation for Asia, with more than 650 communities taking part in the event, according to Earth Hour's Web site. (Time to step UP, Asia! Get with the program!)

The light illuminating the face of the landmark Big Ben clock tower in London, England, went out at 8:30 p.m. (4:30 p.m. ET). (how would they know what time it was if the clock's light was out?)

In Dubai, iReporter Sharad Agarwal turned out the lights and sat down to a candlelit dinner with his family. (aaaaawwwwww....)

"I personally believe in going green and everything that goes with it (I thank you all....but, it's been no bed of roses...no pleasure cruuuuise...)," Agarwal told CNN.

In Australia, floodlights of the Sydney Opera House were extinguished as the city's iconic harbor kicked off events for Earth Hour. The event's Web site reported that hundreds of people lined the harbor for a glimpse of the dimming skyline at 8:30 pm. (then, had to wait an hour before leaving because they couldn't find their fucking cars in the dark!)

Sydney became the birthplace of the Earth Hour campaign in 2007 when 2.2 million turned off their lights, igniting a grass-roots movement that has become a global phenomenon. (and accomplished absolutely nothing)

Other landmarks around the world expected to join the World Wildlife Fund-sponsored event were the Egyptian pyramids, Vatican, Niagara Falls (lights?), the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building, the Acropolis in Athens and the Las Vegas casino strip. (whoa! whOA! WHOA! What the fuck did you just say?!? 8:30pm in Las Vegas and you're going to turn down the lights?? Lemme tell you fuckers something - if I'm at a hot table, slot or card game and this shit breaks up my mojo, so some liberal, mincing, sandal-wearing, hippy bastard can 'feel' better about the 'planet', I'm coming out with a knife looking for necks to slit....)

CNN iReporter Marie Sager of Los Angeles, California, said she planned to hike up to the Griffith Observatory to experience the massive lights-out event. (it's Opposite Day!)

"A good portion of the city is participating. We'll see the Capital Records sign go out. A lot of these places haven't turned out their lights in awhile (because they're paying for it to stay lit)," Sager said.

Event sponsors (the HELL you say! There's MONEY involved?!?) hoped participating U.S. cities would set an example for the rest of the world.

"We think we are going to have 100 million people around the world sending a message that climate change is real, and we need to take action now (Now! With this THIRD annual event....)," World Wildlife Fund CEO Carter Roberts told CNN (with a straight face).

"The world is watching to see what America is going to do," he said, "because if America acts on climate change, the world will follow." (clearly.....just like the Iraq War and nuclear arms)

Earth Hour events got off to an unofficial start in the remote Chatham Islands in the southern Pacific Ocean where locals switched off their diesel generators, organizers said. Shortly afterward, 44 New Zealand cities and town joined in the event.

Organizers say they hope this year's event will send a message to world leaders meeting Copenhagen, Denmark, in December for a major summit on climate change. (They're already meeting on the subject, aren't they? Do you really have to hustle them to raise their awareness? They're aware! They're aware!)

"We are asking one billion people to take part in what is essentially the first global vote for action on climate change by turning off their lights for one hour and casting a vote for earth," said executive director Andy Ridley. (Oh, eeeeeeasy stomach. 'Vote for earth'??!? Goddammit! I thought I was going to get through this without vomiting....here it comes...gotta go!!...)

No Club Fed for Madoff
If convicted, the accused Ponzi swindler will likely land in a low-security federal prison or, if he's lucky, a less stringent prison camp.

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- Ensconced in his $7 million home, Bernard Madoff, the accused Ponzi swindler, is probably wondering what type of prison awaits him. (Not at all. He hasn't been the least bit delusional in all this.)
Madoff, who allegedly stole more than $50 billion through his investment firm, could face a 150-year sentence if convicted in Federal Court in Manhattan on Thursday. He is expected to plead guilty to 11 criminal counts, according to one of his lawyers, Ira Lee Sorkin.
Madoff has managed to avoid prison so far, thanks to the $10 million bail that he posted. (Fair)Since his December arrest, he has remained with his wife under house arrest in their luxurious Manhattan residence. (Hopefully he can find some solace in that)
But he won't be able to dodge jail for much longer, assuming he's convicted, and it's unlikely the 70-year-old man will ever be free again.
Madoff may ask the court to be placed in a prison of his choosing and the court can then forward this request to the Bureau of Federal Prisons. (Oooo! I'll take the one with the silver toilet!)
"The Bureau of Federal Prisons ultimately decides where the inmate (is incarcerated)," said bureau spokeswoman Felicia Ponce. "We take into consideration judicial recommendations, but they're not binding."
Despite his white-collar status and non-violent history, Madoff won't be whiling away his days in some cushy "Club Fed" type of prison. (Uh-huh.)
Ponce said the bureau weighs the "seriousness of the offense, the expected length of incarceration, any history of escapes and violence" as well as the age of the inmate and "security needs." (All this is code for "how many buddies he has at the DA Office")The bureau tries to incarcerate inmates within 500 miles of their homes, she said. (Gee, thanks.)
Madoff's lawyer, Sorkin, wouldn't provide any details of his client's preferences. "There are many different facilities in many different places," he said. (Cape Cod in April is just gorgeous!)
No such thing as Club Fed
Ponce, of the Bureau of Federal Prisons, dismissed the Club Fed institution as a "myth."
Ed Bales, managing director of Federal Prison Consultants, which prepares inmates for prison life, said that "Club Fed" facilities used to exist in such places as Nellis Federal Prison Camp near Las Vegas. He said these types of facilities were also located in Florida and Pennsylvania. They provided more freedom and better accommodations to inmates than the typical prisons, but were shut down several years ago. (By some old party poop I'm sure!)
Larry Levine, another prison consultant and former inmate, wrote on his Web site about the experience of being transferred from Nellis when it shut down in 2005 to a "real" prison near El Paso, Texas, replete with "warring gang members" and other violent offenders.
"The Nellis inmates were shell-shocked into the real world of federal prison," wrote Levine. "Gone were their cushy days of being in a camp."
White collar crooks: You never know where you'll go
Nowadays, all types of prisons await white collar offenders. Martha Stewart, the domestic diva convicted of insider trading in 2004, served her five-month sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia, a minimum-security women's prison known as "Camp Cupcake." (I thought they were a myth?)
At the other end of the spectrum, former Tyco Chief Executive Dennis Kozlowski, who was sentenced to up 25 years for grand larceny, was sent to a rougher, medium-security state prison in upstate New York. In a 2007 letter to Fortune, he wrote, "[Prison] is the most difficult of all difficult places to be." (They get Fortune in the prison library?)
Bales, of Federal Prison Consultants, said his newly convicted clients typically expect the worst, their nightmares of prison rape fueled by television shows like "Oz" and movies like "The Shawshank Redemption." (Yeah, prison rape rumors started with those movies)But once they end up behind bars, some inmates are pleasantly surprised to find that it's not as dangerous as they'd thought, he said. (Only soap poundings, not ass poundings. What a relief!)
"They're scared out of their minds," said Bales. "They think they're going to get jumped in the shower. But once they hear what they're really like, they calm down a bit."
Fairton is the fairest
The best possible facility is the so-called prison camp, where there are "no murderers or rapists" and "no bars on the walls,"(reach for the stars!) said Bales. But he added that a lengthy sentence such as Madoff's might bar him from such a desirable facility.
Instead, Madoff might be eligible for a low-security prison, which isn't as bad as medium-security, but it's still a prison.
"In low security, you have some violence, you may have some low-level Mafia type figures, you may have some people who have been involved in child porn," (pffft! Is that all? They're harmless) he said. "[Madoff] may be facing that type of scenario." (Mafiosos and kiddie porn peddlers. Easy street, here I come!)
The best possible low-security federal prison where Madoff could conceivably land is in Fairton, N.J., said Bales. That's the current residence of Sanjay Kumar, former Chief Executive of Computer Associates, serving a 12-year sentence for fraud and obstruction of justice.
"It's one of the best places to do your time," said Bales. "They send a lot of senators there and attorneys." (And scene...)

2032's Bill O'Reilly

It looks like this could become a series at the SNC. 

It seems the New York Times has a group of women writers that get all preggers anytime a lil' one does adulty-type things.

Last November, Susan Dominus wet her crotchular region over 12 year-old food critic, David Fishman.

Now, Jan Hoffman regales us with a tale of the future voice of the Republican Party - 14 year-old Jonathan Krohn.

The Little Mr. Conservative

By JAN HOFFMAN

Duluth, Ga.

SITTING in the back seat of his mother’s van as she drives through Atlanta suburbs, Jonathan Krohn is about to sign off with a conservative radio talk show host in Florida.  In the 40 minutes he’s been on the air, with the help of his mother’s cellphone, this hyper-articulate Georgia eighth grader has attacked the stimulus bill, identified leaders he thinks will salvage the Republican Party’s image, and assessed the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate (I don't know...he sounds every other Republican whack job parroting the ramblings of dubious sources.).

The show’s host chuckles and asks whether President Obama has called Jonathan “a little fascist.” (I'm gonna need details but 2-1 odds...)

“The president hasn’t come after me yet,” Jonathan says chummily, “but we’ve had other people come after me!”

“Jonathan!” his mother hisses from the driver’s seat.

The interview concluded, Jonathan wistfully handed his mother her cellphone. His parents still won’t let him have one, even though he turned 14 last Sunday (even though...!???!!!), right after he became an instant news media darling and the conservative movement’s underage graybeard at last weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. (Boy, that was quite the lineup last weekend.  a 14 year-old, Joe The Plumber, John Ziegler, Rush Limbaugh, a five-armed midget and the bearded lady.  Who somebody please tell me who is at the wheel for the Republican Party?)

The annual convention brings in the movement’s grand old lions, like Rush Limbaugh, as well as cubs to rally 8,500 of the faithful, who were shaken by the election of Barack Obama. Jonathan, a slight, home-schooled (NATCH!!!!!!!) only child whose teeth are in braces, is so passionate about his beliefs that he spent his summer writing “Define Conservatism,” an 86-page book outlining what he says are its core values (Chapter 3:  I Like Republican Sandwiches  Chapter 4:  Liberal Homework Is Stupid) .  In January, he contacted CPAC organizers, asking to speak there (And said...).

With some skepticism, they gave him a spot on a Friday panel of grassroots activists (Yep.  Just lost an historic election, we're in the worst economy in 60 years and everybody in the party has no idea where it's going.  Hey!  Let's invite a 14 year old!  That will let everyone know we're serious!).  But Jonathan, an experienced child actor (Gonna need more info, Jan.  Can't find anything on him), rocked the house with a three-minute speech, which was remarkable not so much for what he said, but his electrifying delivery.  The speech was part pep talk, part book promotion.  By Saturday morning, an archdeacon of the movement was saying, “I’m Bill Bennett: I used to work for Ronald Reagan and now I’m a colleague of Jonathan Krohn’s!”

As video of the speech coursed through the Internet, radio talk show hosts and television reporters at the conference sought him eagerly.

Uh-huh.  Well...you decide.  See if he actually SAYS anything.  Personally, I wanted someone to throw a shoe at him.

In less than a week, Jonathan appeared on “Fox and Friends” and CNN, and broadcast network anchors requested interviews (Octo-mom had the same requests so it's all relative, really).  He has lost count of the number of radio shows he has spoken on.  Though his family has received hate mail, accusing them of brainwashing their son, a Jonathan Krohn fan club has sprung up on Facebook.  High honors: Jon Stewart has already poked fun at him.

And the invitations have only snowballed since the family returned to their modest house in a subdivision here.

Why just that morning, his mother, Marla Krohn, marveled, a staff member for a potential candidate for Georgia governor asked for a meeting with Jonathan (nice editing). In her gentle drawl, Mrs. Krohn said cautiously, “I’m not sure I’m a supporter of his.”

“Neither am I,” Jonathan piped in (He's a poopy-pants).

“But I’m a voter,” Mrs. Krohn reminded him firmly (I'll take Obviously Stupid Statements for $2000, Alex).

Jonathan retorted, “Now that I’m a political pundit, I have the ability to influence people. I have to think about it!” (Whoa there, cha-cha.  You had your 15 minutes.  I believe "Fox and Friends" has a Republican giraffe scheduled for tomorrow.)

But first, his mother reminded him, he had some homework to finish. (Jan, leave the cutesy bullshit flow sentences for CNN.com.  They'll claim copyright infringement.)

He’s an unusual kid with an unusual background (Jan getting a little tingley down there).  Jonathan’s parents, Doug, a computer systems integrator, and Marla, a sales representative and former actress who teaches drama and speech to middle-school students, have been home-schooling their bright, curious son since the sixth grade (Moister). On Fridays, Jonathan joins 10 middle-school students at the Classical School in Woodstock, where classes are taught from a Christian perspective, for five hours of study, including Latin. They have two 10-minute recesses for tag, said Jonathan’s teacher, Stephen P. Gilchrist. Lunch is eaten at their desks while they work (Ahhhhhh, fully moist...and goin' for a word quota, Jan?  That was awfully superfluous).

“Other children his age are not quite sure how to take him,” Mr. Gilchrist said. “Jonathan is so intense, so verbal and a strong personality (Read:  He won't shut the fuck up and his parents just look at people with a "isn't he so fucking adorable" expression).  But as they get to know him, they respect him for what he is.  And he is tons of fun.”

Jonathan’s father oversees his math; he studies Arabic with a tutor (Nobody's going anywhere until I find out what Jonathan's favorite sandwich is!!!!  I have a gun!!!!)

“Before I got into politics,” (Glurp...) Jonathan said as he sat with his parents in the study of their home, “I wanted to be a missionary to people in the Middle East. (They don't take 13 year-olds...otherwise, your plan was flawless.)  I thought it would be better to speak with them in their own language.” (And tell them what to think)  The family are active members of Peachtree Corners Baptist Church in Norcross, Ga.

That was several careers ago (Umm...what?)  But he is sticking with Arabic, because, “it’s important to talk with our allies in their language.”

Although the Krohns are conservative, they say Jonathan’s passion for politics is largely his. “Politics bore me,” his mother said flatly. “I’ve learned a lot from Jonathan about the candidates I’ve voted for.” Doug Krohn said he listened to talk radio, but with his Iowa-born (Oh, boy.  Adds a whole new dimension.) soft-sell manner, he’s hardly the pontificating firebrand his son is.

Jonathan said he became a political enthusiast at 8, after hearing about a Democratic filibuster on judicial nominations. “I thought, ‘Who goes to work saying, ‘I’m going to filibuster today?’ ” he said. (What...? Part deux!) 

Mr. Krohn, looking bleary-eyed by recent events, muttered, “And now he can filibuster with the best of them.” (De-bat-a-able!)

Jonathan would wake up at 6 a.m. to listen to Bill Bennett’s “Morning in America” show and became riveted by politics and American history (Well...an alternate version of American history anyway.  You know, the version that uses the term "darkies".)  Soon, Mr. Bennett, whom Jonathan now describes as, “my mentor and very good friend,” was taking Jonathan’s calls. (Oh, god.  Very good friend?  I hate today's children...and I blame parents.)

“Jonathan was an extraordinary boy, very special,” Mr. Bennett said, in a phone interview. “He wowed my audience, he wowed me.  He’s very engaging and learned.  He’s got staying power.”

Last spring, as the presidential campaign was in full roar, Jonathan decided the term conservatism was so misused that he needed to write a book explaining it.  He received a computer from his maternal grandfather for his 13th birthday.  “In the Jewish culture in which my mom was raised, 13 is a big deal,” he said. “But since I’m a Jewish Christian, I don’t do a bar mitzvah.” (Decades ago, his mother became a Baptist.) (So...Jewish kids can't use a computer?  News to me.  Really.  Jan.  Editor.  They're a good thing.)

Although the family said they hired an editor (See, even they hired one.  You get them gratis!) to go over grammar, Jonathan, they said, wrote the book himself. “My mom would get tough,” Jonathan said. “She’d say, ‘If you don’t stop writing now and go outside and get some exercise, I won’t let you finish this book!’ ” (Yep.  Jan just wet herself over the unbearable cuteness of it all.)

The family said Jonathan paid to have the book published with his own savings, earned from writing and performing on a syndicated radio Bible show for children. (PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEE!!!  YouTube, don't fail me now!)

His father made a spreadsheet of their contacts for publicity, and then Jonathan went to work, glad-handing.  He already had developed poise, as he put it, “during the 20 or 30 productions I was in during my acting career” — he’d performed in Christian Youth Theater plays and regional shows. (Oh, holy crap!  Jan drops 'experienced child actor' in the first two graphs and THIS is what she meant?) 

Jonathan apologetically described the book as a “first effort.”  The second edition, he said, will have less about Thomas Jefferson and more about Alexander Hamilton and James Monroe.  (I'm on the edge of my seat.)

But as Lisa De Pasquale, director of CPAC, noted, he is still a kid.

“He seems to at least have a historical perspective,” she said. “But at 13, there’s not a lot of life experience yet.  But as he attends more conferences, he’ll have more ammunition and education, and see that there are more than black and white viewpoints.”

Jonathan also sees room for improvement: “I have good voice inflection, that’s why I’m good on radio,” he said  “But on TV, I look too big because I move my hands around a lot.” (Or a terdball in training.  Six of one...)

He still has the zeal of a missionary. His voice rising to a wobbly squeak, he grabs any opening to press the cause.  “Barack Obama is the most left-wing president in my lifetime,” he said. (Ba-dum-bump)   

Mr. Krohn buried his face in his hands. “Oh, Jonathan,” he sighed.  (Two orgasms in one article for Jan?  Is this Christmas?)

Well, I watched it so now you must.  Drinking game.  Do a shot every time he says 'principles'.

GM auditors raise the specter of Chapter 11
DETROIT – General Motors Corp.'s auditors have raised "substantial doubt" about the troubled automaker's ability to continue operations, and the company said it may have to seek bankruptcy protection if it can't execute a huge restructuring plan.
The automaker revealed the concerns Thursday in an annual report filed with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
"The corporation's recurring losses from operations, stockholders' deficit, and inability to generate sufficient cash flow to meet its obligations and sustain its operations raise substantial doubt about its ability to continue as a going concern," auditors for the accounting firm Deloitte & Touche LLP wrote in the report. (in coporate to non bullshit normal translation: We're going broke!)
GM also disclosed Thursday that Chief Executive Rick Wagoner received a pay package worth $14.9 million in 2008, although $11.9 million of his compensation was in stock and options whose value plummeted to $682,000 as GM's share price sank. (Oh, so he only gets 4 some million? Poor guy. Fuck off!)
GM shares, which lost 87 percent of their value in 2008, fell 38 cents or 17.2 percent to $1.82 in afternoon trading Thursday. (Nothing wrong here..)
The automaker has received $13.4 billion in federal loans as it tries to survive the worst auto sales climate in 27 years. It is seeking a total of $30 billion from the government. During the past three years it has piled up $82 billion in losses, including $30.9 billion in 2008. (Yet the guy at the wheel gets 4 million bones..gee, I can't see why people don't trust Wall Street)
The company faces a March 31 deadline to have signed agreements of concessions from debtholders and the United Auto Workers union to show the government it can become viable again. (Now be a good boy or we'll cut you off....OH, how can I stay mad at you! Look at that punam) On Feb. 17 it submitted the restructuring plan to the Treasury Department that includes laying off 47,000 workers worldwide by the end of the year and closing five more U.S. factories. (Seems like a water tight plan..As long as the CEO still gets his 4 million though)
GM said in its filing that its future depends on successfully executing the plan.
"If we fail to do so for any reason, we would not be able to continue as a going concern and could potentially be forced to seek relief through a filing under the U.S. Bankruptcy Code," the Detroit-based automaker said in the annual report. (Translation: We're broke unless Uncle Sucker gives us a loan)
GM, the report said, is highly dependent on auto sales volume, which dropped rapidly last year. (Gee, really?)"There is no assurance that the global automobile market will recover or that it will not suffer a significant further downturn," the company wrote. (While theres no undo cause for alarm there's certainly no room for complacency)
But Harlan Platt, a professor at Northeastern University in Boston who teaches about corporate turnarounds, said the auditors' concerns don't mean GM is headed for a bankruptcy filing. The auditors, he said, are merely stating what the world has known for months.
"A company which has borrowed $13.4 billion and has asked for billions more around the world is obviously in trouble," he said. (He's a professor y'know?)
Platt said the union concessions and debt restructuring laid out in the government loan terms, plus GM's own restructuring steps that include shedding unprofitable brands, will make the company healthy again once auto sales recover from current low levels.
"I think the government has forced the hands of everybody," Platt said. "In 18 months to 24 months, I anticipate they will be profitable, in the black — a mean and lean competitor that will be world-class." (WOW)
U.S. auto sales in February dropped to the lowest level since December 1981. Last year, automakers sold 13.2 million vehicles in the U.S., about 3 million less than the 16.1 million sold in 2007. Analysts and auto company executives are predicting sales of just over 10 million this year.
GM said in a statement that the auditor's opinion would not affect its restructuring plan.
"Once global automotive sales recover and GM's restructuring actions generate the anticipated savings and benefits, the company is expected to again be able to fund its own operating requirements," the statement said. (Translation: Once we get bailed out by the government we have no intention of paying it back)
GM has said it wants to avoid bankruptcy protection because it would scare off customers. (I don't know about you but I'd have no trouble with getting financing from a company that filed for bankruptcy..what's the problem?) Car buyers, the company has said, would be reluctant to buy from an automaker in Chapter 11 due to fears that it wouldn't be around long enough to honor warranties or make replacement parts. (Oh)
GM, in its viability plan submitted to the Treasury last month, said it explored three bankruptcy scenarios, all of which would cost the government more than $40 billion. (pffft!)
Chief Operating Officer Fritz Henderson said at the time that the government would be the only place the company could get financing for a Chapter 11 reorganization, because the credit markets are frozen. (I had to kiss the loan officer's pecker when I wanted a car loan!)The worst-case bankruptcy scenario would cost the government $100 billion, Henderson said, because revenue would severely drop due to a lack of sales.
GM warned last month that its auditors may raise the "going concern" doubts, and industry analysts said auditors' statements may trigger clauses in some of GM's loans, placing them in default.
But the company said in its filing that it has received waivers of the clauses for its $4.5 billion secured revolving credit facility, a $1.5 billion term loan and a $125 million secured credit facility. (That's fair)
"Consequently, we are not in default of our covenants," (of course not! None of us would with that deal)the report said. "If we conclude that there is substantial doubt about our ability to continue as a going concern for the year ending Dec. 31, 2009, we will have to seek similar amendments or waivers at that time." (Translation: If this doesn't work we're fucked.)
GM spokeswoman Julie Gibson said there is no clause in the terms of the government loans that places them in default if the auditors raise doubts about GM's ability to keep operating. (Once again, nothing unfair at all.)