Sunday, March 8, 2009

2032's Bill O'Reilly

It looks like this could become a series at the SNC. 

It seems the New York Times has a group of women writers that get all preggers anytime a lil' one does adulty-type things.

Last November, Susan Dominus wet her crotchular region over 12 year-old food critic, David Fishman.

Now, Jan Hoffman regales us with a tale of the future voice of the Republican Party - 14 year-old Jonathan Krohn.

The Little Mr. Conservative


Duluth, Ga.

SITTING in the back seat of his mother’s van as she drives through Atlanta suburbs, Jonathan Krohn is about to sign off with a conservative radio talk show host in Florida.  In the 40 minutes he’s been on the air, with the help of his mother’s cellphone, this hyper-articulate Georgia eighth grader has attacked the stimulus bill, identified leaders he thinks will salvage the Republican Party’s image, and assessed the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate (I don't know...he sounds every other Republican whack job parroting the ramblings of dubious sources.).

The show’s host chuckles and asks whether President Obama has called Jonathan “a little fascist.” (I'm gonna need details but 2-1 odds...)

“The president hasn’t come after me yet,” Jonathan says chummily, “but we’ve had other people come after me!”

“Jonathan!” his mother hisses from the driver’s seat.

The interview concluded, Jonathan wistfully handed his mother her cellphone. His parents still won’t let him have one, even though he turned 14 last Sunday (even though...!???!!!), right after he became an instant news media darling and the conservative movement’s underage graybeard at last weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington. (Boy, that was quite the lineup last weekend.  a 14 year-old, Joe The Plumber, John Ziegler, Rush Limbaugh, a five-armed midget and the bearded lady.  Who somebody please tell me who is at the wheel for the Republican Party?)

The annual convention brings in the movement’s grand old lions, like Rush Limbaugh, as well as cubs to rally 8,500 of the faithful, who were shaken by the election of Barack Obama. Jonathan, a slight, home-schooled (NATCH!!!!!!!) only child whose teeth are in braces, is so passionate about his beliefs that he spent his summer writing “Define Conservatism,” an 86-page book outlining what he says are its core values (Chapter 3:  I Like Republican Sandwiches  Chapter 4:  Liberal Homework Is Stupid) .  In January, he contacted CPAC organizers, asking to speak there (And said...).

With some skepticism, they gave him a spot on a Friday panel of grassroots activists (Yep.  Just lost an historic election, we're in the worst economy in 60 years and everybody in the party has no idea where it's going.  Hey!  Let's invite a 14 year old!  That will let everyone know we're serious!).  But Jonathan, an experienced child actor (Gonna need more info, Jan.  Can't find anything on him), rocked the house with a three-minute speech, which was remarkable not so much for what he said, but his electrifying delivery.  The speech was part pep talk, part book promotion.  By Saturday morning, an archdeacon of the movement was saying, “I’m Bill Bennett: I used to work for Ronald Reagan and now I’m a colleague of Jonathan Krohn’s!”

As video of the speech coursed through the Internet, radio talk show hosts and television reporters at the conference sought him eagerly.

Uh-huh. decide.  See if he actually SAYS anything.  Personally, I wanted someone to throw a shoe at him.

In less than a week, Jonathan appeared on “Fox and Friends” and CNN, and broadcast network anchors requested interviews (Octo-mom had the same requests so it's all relative, really).  He has lost count of the number of radio shows he has spoken on.  Though his family has received hate mail, accusing them of brainwashing their son, a Jonathan Krohn fan club has sprung up on Facebook.  High honors: Jon Stewart has already poked fun at him.

And the invitations have only snowballed since the family returned to their modest house in a subdivision here.

Why just that morning, his mother, Marla Krohn, marveled, a staff member for a potential candidate for Georgia governor asked for a meeting with Jonathan (nice editing). In her gentle drawl, Mrs. Krohn said cautiously, “I’m not sure I’m a supporter of his.”

“Neither am I,” Jonathan piped in (He's a poopy-pants).

“But I’m a voter,” Mrs. Krohn reminded him firmly (I'll take Obviously Stupid Statements for $2000, Alex).

Jonathan retorted, “Now that I’m a political pundit, I have the ability to influence people. I have to think about it!” (Whoa there, cha-cha.  You had your 15 minutes.  I believe "Fox and Friends" has a Republican giraffe scheduled for tomorrow.)

But first, his mother reminded him, he had some homework to finish. (Jan, leave the cutesy bullshit flow sentences for  They'll claim copyright infringement.)

He’s an unusual kid with an unusual background (Jan getting a little tingley down there).  Jonathan’s parents, Doug, a computer systems integrator, and Marla, a sales representative and former actress who teaches drama and speech to middle-school students, have been home-schooling their bright, curious son since the sixth grade (Moister). On Fridays, Jonathan joins 10 middle-school students at the Classical School in Woodstock, where classes are taught from a Christian perspective, for five hours of study, including Latin. They have two 10-minute recesses for tag, said Jonathan’s teacher, Stephen P. Gilchrist. Lunch is eaten at their desks while they work (Ahhhhhh, fully moist...and goin' for a word quota, Jan?  That was awfully superfluous).

“Other children his age are not quite sure how to take him,” Mr. Gilchrist said. “Jonathan is so intense, so verbal and a strong personality (Read:  He won't shut the fuck up and his parents just look at people with a "isn't he so fucking adorable" expression).  But as they get to know him, they respect him for what he is.  And he is tons of fun.”

Jonathan’s father oversees his math; he studies Arabic with a tutor (Nobody's going anywhere until I find out what Jonathan's favorite sandwich is!!!!  I have a gun!!!!)

“Before I got into politics,” (Glurp...) Jonathan said as he sat with his parents in the study of their home, “I wanted to be a missionary to people in the Middle East. (They don't take 13 year-olds...otherwise, your plan was flawless.)  I thought it would be better to speak with them in their own language.” (And tell them what to think)  The family are active members of Peachtree Corners Baptist Church in Norcross, Ga.

That was several careers ago (Umm...what?)  But he is sticking with Arabic, because, “it’s important to talk with our allies in their language.”

Although the Krohns are conservative, they say Jonathan’s passion for politics is largely his. “Politics bore me,” his mother said flatly. “I’ve learned a lot from Jonathan about the candidates I’ve voted for.” Doug Krohn said he listened to talk radio, but with his Iowa-born (Oh, boy.  Adds a whole new dimension.) soft-sell manner, he’s hardly the pontificating firebrand his son is.

Jonathan said he became a political enthusiast at 8, after hearing about a Democratic filibuster on judicial nominations. “I thought, ‘Who goes to work saying, ‘I’m going to filibuster today?’ ” he said. (What...? Part deux!

Mr. Krohn, looking bleary-eyed by recent events, muttered, “And now he can filibuster with the best of them.” (De-bat-a-able!)

Jonathan would wake up at 6 a.m. to listen to Bill Bennett’s “Morning in America” show and became riveted by politics and American history ( alternate version of American history anyway.  You know, the version that uses the term "darkies".)  Soon, Mr. Bennett, whom Jonathan now describes as, “my mentor and very good friend,” was taking Jonathan’s calls. (Oh, god.  Very good friend?  I hate today's children...and I blame parents.)

“Jonathan was an extraordinary boy, very special,” Mr. Bennett said, in a phone interview. “He wowed my audience, he wowed me.  He’s very engaging and learned.  He’s got staying power.”

Last spring, as the presidential campaign was in full roar, Jonathan decided the term conservatism was so misused that he needed to write a book explaining it.  He received a computer from his maternal grandfather for his 13th birthday.  “In the Jewish culture in which my mom was raised, 13 is a big deal,” he said. “But since I’m a Jewish Christian, I don’t do a bar mitzvah.” (Decades ago, his mother became a Baptist.) (So...Jewish kids can't use a computer?  News to me.  Really.  Jan.  Editor.  They're a good thing.)

Although the family said they hired an editor (See, even they hired one.  You get them gratis!) to go over grammar, Jonathan, they said, wrote the book himself. “My mom would get tough,” Jonathan said. “She’d say, ‘If you don’t stop writing now and go outside and get some exercise, I won’t let you finish this book!’ ” (Yep.  Jan just wet herself over the unbearable cuteness of it all.)

The family said Jonathan paid to have the book published with his own savings, earned from writing and performing on a syndicated radio Bible show for children. (PLLLLEEEAAAASSSSEE!!!  YouTube, don't fail me now!)

His father made a spreadsheet of their contacts for publicity, and then Jonathan went to work, glad-handing.  He already had developed poise, as he put it, “during the 20 or 30 productions I was in during my acting career” — he’d performed in Christian Youth Theater plays and regional shows. (Oh, holy crap!  Jan drops 'experienced child actor' in the first two graphs and THIS is what she meant?

Jonathan apologetically described the book as a “first effort.”  The second edition, he said, will have less about Thomas Jefferson and more about Alexander Hamilton and James Monroe.  (I'm on the edge of my seat.)

But as Lisa De Pasquale, director of CPAC, noted, he is still a kid.

“He seems to at least have a historical perspective,” she said. “But at 13, there’s not a lot of life experience yet.  But as he attends more conferences, he’ll have more ammunition and education, and see that there are more than black and white viewpoints.”

Jonathan also sees room for improvement: “I have good voice inflection, that’s why I’m good on radio,” he said  “But on TV, I look too big because I move my hands around a lot.” (Or a terdball in training.  Six of one...)

He still has the zeal of a missionary. His voice rising to a wobbly squeak, he grabs any opening to press the cause.  “Barack Obama is the most left-wing president in my lifetime,” he said. (Ba-dum-bump)   

Mr. Krohn buried his face in his hands. “Oh, Jonathan,” he sighed.  (Two orgasms in one article for Jan?  Is this Christmas?)

Well, I watched it so now you must.  Drinking game.  Do a shot every time he says 'principles'.


Mate Famber said...

To slightly change a quote of the late, great Sam Kinison:

"I don't condone child abuse...I UNDERSTAND it!!"

Christo P. Ney said...

Got a little Benito in him with those hands flailing around everywhere.

Mate Famber said...

"My what a cute little facist future megalomaniac!"

Anonymous said...

I smell a Sardie!