Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Doesn't David Wygant Live In Southern California?

Noone from the SNC was in Santa Barbara on January 22nd. We checked.

Man arrested for indecent exposure in La Playa Stadium parking lot

Paper towels, moisturizer and a "Barely Legal" pornography magazine were three pieces of the incriminating evidence police used to arrest a man for masturbating in a City College parking lot. (That's some fine police work there, Wiggum)The Santa Barbara Police Department stepped in on the Campus Security's investigation on Thursday, Jan. 22, to arrest a middle-aged male later identified as Harold Hall. (Campus police obviously couldn't put a decent case up with that circumstantial piddling amount of evidence) During fall semester, three reports of indecent exposure on campus have been reported. (Only three? You call this a college campus?)This is the second arrest that has been made, the first being a bagger from Von's,(how'd ya like to be a bagger at Von's and have this vague description put in the story? Perv got a name?) according to Paula Congleton, a City College softball coach. A city college student and softball player discovered Hall at 11 a.m. in the La Playa east parking lot, facing the stadium. (No shit)While retrieving books from her car parked next to his, she saw him in the driver's seat, committing the lewd act with his shorts down.(Hey, it was in the privacy of his own car! What's the problem?)When she left the parking lot at 12:30 p.m. the student saw the man still in his car, and recorded the license plate number. (Man, this guy is a machine. I'm done in like 2 minutes.)She then called Congleton, her coach, who in turn notified the security office. Security Supervisor Eric Fricke (Barney Fife or Garr-inside joke) responded to the call, arriving in the parking lot at approximately 12:45. He found the vehicle described to him, blocking it in to prevent the man from leaving. (Good move, Starsky)Fricke questioned Hall, who eventually caved in to the evidence-beyond that of his masturbation accessories in the car, there was an eyewitness to the act. (Masturbation accessories?Take the fun out of it a bit more why don't ya?)Having first falsely identified himself with a credit card under the name of "Michael Hall", the suspect confessed to Fricke that this was his first time doing anything like this. (Somehow I doubt this)He also told Fricke that he couldn't do it at home because he has roommates, (never stopped me)according to the report. Santa Barbara Police Officer Dave Williams came to campus to make the arrest, after the student positively identified Hall. "It was her word against his, so she had to be one hundred percent sure," (I'd like to think I could probably remember who I saw wanking off two feet from my fucking CAR) Congleton said. "And she was." (Really?)At the time of publication, The Channels has not received a response from the Santa Barbara Police Department for further information on Hall's arrest. (We caught him red handed! cymbal crash)

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