Like PB&J, It Never Gets Old For Me.

Protect, serve, demand free java?

Police officer lands in hot water (get it?) after Starbucks complains about pressure for coffee on the house

By Angela Rozas | Chicago Tribune reporter
August 8, 2008

It's maybe the last great perk (hahahaha, at least that's what Scott said.) a beat cop can get.

A free cup of coffee, a discount on a greasy burger (potshot at fat cops.).

Though many police departments officially frown on freebies (I want a list on the police departments who don't.), coffee houses and restaurants around the city and suburbs give the gratis (dusted off the thesaurus for that one and even then it's used improperly.  You give it 'gratis', not 'the gratis'.  It's not a noun.), and the officers' bosses seem to look the other way.

But there's another unwritten rule: Cops can't demand the free stuff (I'm betting that's codified.  Just betting.  I'll put $52 on it.  Any takers?  Anyone?  [chirp, chirp, chirp...]). And that's just what officials say Chicago Police Officer Barbara Nevers did, demanding free coffee and pastries from a half-dozen Starbucks stores over the years, until she was banned from one of the java joints and a memo was sent to other stores.

The 55-year-old veteran of more than a decade (odd career change for the early 40s.) was suspended for 18 months and recommended for counseling after showing her gun and badge to intimidate employees into giving her free coffee (No sudden moves or the mochaccino gets it.), according to documents released Thursday.

Nevers' actions may have cemented one of the oldest stereotypes about cops—you know, the one about the certain circular pastry they're supposed to love. But she also took advantage of a time-honored tradition: giving hard-working public servants a little gastro-love. (The beat cop working in the neighborhood of the restaurant I used to work at was actually named Jonesy.  He used to come in once a week when Holly the hostess was working to chat her up and stare at her boobs.  Is that the certain circular pastry she's referring to?)

A few Dunkin Donuts employees around Chicago said they often give 10 percent discounts to cops and the elderly (Does an elderly cop get a 20% discount?). A 7-Eleven employee at 180 N. Franklin St. said she gives officers who visit a free cup of coffee. (Angela takes the Metra.  It's on the way to work.)

At the Golden Angel in the Lincoln Square neighborhood Thursday, a waitress said, yes, they give 50 percent discounts to the cops who frequent. (and lives in Lincoln Square.  Takes the Metra and lives in Lincoln Square.  Got my sleuthing hat on.)

"There's a few sitting right here," Julie Paterno said as she watched them munch on chicken-fried steak. (Angela was unlawfully pulled over by a fat cop in her life.  That's three references to fat cops and their pie-hole preferences so far.  One more and it was a speeding ticket.  Two more and it was an OWI.)

Paterno said customers like the feeling of safety when a police officer is around, and the restaurant feels like it's helping out some public servants. 

"I'm thinking most restaurants do it for protection, so they'll keep an eye on the place," she said.

In Lincolnwood, at the all-night Whistler's Restaurant (and went out for drinks with her friends in Lincolnwood.  Takes the Metra, lives in Lincoln Square and drinks in Lincolnwood.  She might be my neighbor.), owner Chris Dimas says it's a give and take. He likes officers to be around his restaurant late at night, and they like his food.

"At night, you don't know the people around, so it is good for them to be here, eating my food," said Dimas, who has owned the place for more than 30 years. There are some officers who don't accept his freebies because their bosses don't like it, and some officers he doesn't know and thus doesn't offer the discount, he said.

"If they feel comfortable with us, we feel comfortable with them and appreciate what they do," he said.

Starbucks has no official policy regarding free coffee for police, leaving that decision up to each franchise, company officials said Thursday. According to testimony before the Chicago Police Board, which decides cases of misconduct, employees in several North Side Starbucks said they often give free 12-ounce coffee or tea to officers on duty. But Nevers would often ask for a larger size or multiple drinks, employees said.  (Stop the presses, Jimmy.  I got a big scoop!  It wasn't just free coffee.  It was larger sizes of free coffee!  And isn't this a tad long for a rather pedestrian offense.)

Some employees testified that between 1999 and 2004 Nevers frequented their stores weekly, often in street clothes, and flashed a badge or flipped her jacket to reveal her gun if they asked for payment. In 2004, she was accused of stealing a juice drink from one Starbucks, but eventually was acquitted. (Acquitted would imply trial or filings to the effect.  Doubt there was a trial but if there was, I want the transcript.  "You took the juice box, didn't you Officer Nevers!  Didn't you!  You took it!"  Ms. Nevers stands up in a huff, prompting the judge says she's out of order.  "I'm out of order?  You're out of order!  This whole court's out of order!")  

One manager at a Starbucks in the 1700 block of West Diversey Parkway testified that Nevers started asking for free pastries too, and got angry when the store employees refused. The manager told Nevers she wasn't welcome in the store anymore, and testified that Nevers walked behind the store counter, asking angrily if she wasn't welcome, before leaving.

"She was vehement about getting the free pastries," the manager testified.

Several employees said most officers who come in are friendly and always offer to pay before being told that it is on the house. But Nevers was unprofessional, they said, and rarely talked with employees before demanding free coffee. Her actions made even other officers who went to the Starbucks suspicious, believing she could be a police impersonator, one employee testified. (All together now:  SPEC-UL-A-TION!  Dah-dah-dahdah-dah.  So is the writer saying the cops didn't check that out?  Maybe that's the real story here.  She better have had two confirmed sources on that one.  Just sayin'.)

A district manager eventually sent out a memo to stores Nevers frequented, saying free coffee wasn't allowed for her anymore, according to the testimony.

Nevers joined the force when she was 41 but after an injury in training spent most of her time off the street at "call-back," where officers write reports and handle calls. She denied that she demanded coffee or flashed her gun to intimidate the employees, and said she only took free coffee when offered.  (uh-huh.)

"I don't demand anything," Nevers told the Police Board, adding that she always put $2 in a tip jar when she was offered free coffee. Her attorney said Nevers was only accepting what had been a custom in Chicago. (uh-huh x 40.)

It's a custom that's not likely to change any time soon, rules or no rules. (So is it a rule actually written down in the Chicago Police Department code of conduct or not!!!!????  This whole damn article never actually answered the one pertinent question to this whole affair!  Cripes!) At the Golden Angel on Thursday, Paterno tallied up the bill she'd given the two police officers who stopped by—$6, after the 50 percent discount. The cops didn't forget their waitress, though.

"They both left $2 apiece," she said.  (33% tip for a discounted bill?  Meh.  At least it's better than teachers, by far the worst motherfucking tippers on the planet outside of Nebraskans.)

There was a poll attached to this asking if free stuff for cops is okay.  2900 votes.  Pales in comparison to the over 9,000 votes cast for the question "What's your favorite fast-casual restaurant".  Chili's won that in a real nail-biter.  

Just keeping everyone abreast on the real issues facing Chicagoans.

Leading the World in Working Less!

Four-day work week gets A+ at college

By John ZarrellaCNN's American Morning

COCOA, Florida (CNN) -- Ask just about any college student and they'll tell you they'd jump through hoops to avoid taking a class that meets on Fridays. (or, they'll just sign up and skip it every Friday. I don't think students are that creative)

So, it was welcome news to students when Brevard Community College in Cocoa, Florida, decided to experiment with a four-day work week. (how is being a student also being a member of the workforce? "work"week?!? WTF?) A year ago as energy costs headed up and the school faced cuts in state funding, college president James Drake, who drives a hybrid, (the HELL you say! Veeeeery important information to include, however....) decided to give the shortened work week a try.

It worked out better than anyone could have imagined, Drake says. (well, what the fuck do you expect him to say? "My idea sucked. I should be removed from office."??)

"If it weren't for the savings that we have netted from energy management and the four-day work week, we would not have been able to do several of the vital things that are going to help us attract and retain even more students," says Drake (with a straight face...)

Brevard Community College began the four-day work week during the 2007 summer session. The following fall and spring they added a half-day but then went back to the four-day work week again this summer. (Thus, preparing them for a the real world, where international and domestic business is only done four days a week. Totally brilliant.)

Over that year-long period, by closing on Fridays and turning down the air conditioning and heating systems -- the college saved $267,000 in energy costs. The savings allowed Brevard to hire 10 new full-time faculty members. "It was a great thing for me because I became a full-time faculty (for, at least, a year until energy costs come down...)" says Betty Blaschak.

Blaschak teaches at Brevard's cosmetology school where scissors and combs are moving a mile a minute as students learn how to style hair. (thanks for explaining what cosmetology school is)

Brooke Stile is one of the those students and taking classes four days a week instead of five makes a huge difference to her. "The fact that I have that day, that one day, it's just so much nicer and I just don't have to drive all that way to Cocoa," said Stile.

Stile, who is a single mom, saves a 50-mile roundtrip with the four days of classes. She spends the extra day with her son which means one less day she has to pay for child care. (with whose money? I'm doing some math: single mom + full-time student?) She says she can also get more done.

"The bank is only open till noon on Saturdays so instead of doing it on Saturdays, I can do it on Fridays (or, any other day of the week, or online, or at an ATM, or at 7am on Saturday....OR, the school could have normal hours and you'd get home before the bank closes....oh, wait.)," says Stile. "And go grocery shopping and there's not going to be a lot of people there." (Case. Closed. Four-day work week is a success!)

Evers, who drives nearly 100 miles a day from Orlando, Florida, to take a biology class at Brevard, (100 miles?!? Listen, I'm sure Brevard is a fine junior college, but, I'll wager there are a few more colleges that offer biology) saves gas and says the Friday off, is a win-win.

"I get an extra day to go to work and I have an extra day to study (PAAAARTYYY!!!)," says Evers.

The four-day work week at Brevard has yielded even more positive results: There's been a 44 percent reduction in staff turnover, according to Drake.

"We have had a 50 percent increase in applications for employment during the same period this year as apposed to last year," says Drake. (Can't figure that one out. I doubt there's any white trash applying for that gig - "Uh, excuse me, y'all. Kin y'all tell me where I kin sign up fir the job where y'all don't hafta go to work all the time?)

Mili Torres, the director of enrollment at the Cocoa campus says her staff rarely misses work.
"Absenteeism has actually gone away almost in my department, (except on Fridays) " says Torres.

However, the longer work days of a four-day work week has created some problems for people who need child care. For them the school provides flex scheduling, which allows staff to come in and leave either earlier or later depending on what is convenient.

Drake says he often receives calls from other colleges and universities wanting to know how it's working. (Hard to believe that any college presidents and professors would want to work less isn't it?) It's working so well that when the fall semester begins, Brevard Community College will shift to a year-round four-day work week.

Across the country, businesses, institutions and even one state (lemme guess....Hawaii?...yep! http://www.groundreport.com/US/Hawaii-Considers-Four-Day-Workweek) are considering or have moved to a four-day work week.

Donetta Pritchard, who lives in Utah, has been commuting 100 miles a day (is there ANYthing within 99 miles for these fucking people?!?) for the past 14 years. Today she's leaving the roads a little less traveled.

In Utah, the state government has just gone into its second week of shutting down 1,000 buildings on Fridays. The state believes it can save $3 million by moving to a four-day work week. But just as important as the savings is how employees are affected.

But while the change has been a welcome relief to some workers, it's created hardships for others. (no. way. Won't hear it. Working less is foolproof)

Mylitta Barrett, a single mother, (is it something in the water?) says the switch means she spends less time with her three sons. Barrett now needs a sitter in the mornings to care for her severely disabled son, Joseph, until his bus comes and says she has less time for her other boys as well. (thanks for leaving me with this, Hubby.....ya' think you could step it up a notch?)

"You can't make up the soccer game that I missed on Monday because you were working and didn't get home until seven o'clock at night," (ah HA! Pronoun trouble....) Barrett says.

After 15 years with the state, she says she depends on the medical coverage and can't consider quitting. (Ah, the American dream...)

"I don't like being thrown in this position where my life is going to get more difficult because of energy savings or whatever reason they decided to do this," Barrett says. (didn't you hear?!? They hired ten more people, it's a win-win, and that one chick can do her banking on Fridays!!! Shut the fuck up, Mylitta!)

But Barrett says she knows hers is an extreme situation and that her supervisors are being as flexible as they can. (Wow.....I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Mylitta doesn't make much of a fuss at work. What'd'ya think?)

Whether the four-day work week will prove to be just a short-term solution to rising energy costs or is here to stay, only time will tell. (Time's up.)

Obama, McCain charging for yard signs
08:28 AM CDT on Monday, August 11, 2008
By GROMER JEFFERS JR. / The Dallas Morning News
Want a yard sign expressing your support for Barack Obama or John McCain? (Damn! I live in an aparment!) Be prepared to pay for it.
Campaign yard signs have traditionally been free, but when Lake Highlands resident Mike Norris contacted the local Obama headquarters about picking one up, they told him to bring cash. (Unmarked and in a clear, plastic bag. And no funny stuff or the cat gets it!)
The $5 price was $3 cheaper than the signs Mr. Obama hawks online, (bargain!) but Mr. Norris, 59, felt he shouldn't have to pay anything. (Cheap skate)
"It seems to me they're putting up a barrier," he said. "What will they do next? If I go there and ask to volunteer, will they make me pay to work for them? It just doesn't seem right."
Yard signs have morphed from being a simple display of support to an intricate system of raising money and building an online donor base. (Nothing slimey about that. Come on! Get with the times, fuddy-duds!)
When supporters of Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain buy signs or other campaign gear, they also turn over personal information that will be used by the campaigns over and over again. (Kinda like freecreditreport.com) The campaigns even report the purchase of yard signs as political contributions to highlight their grass-roots support. (In court this would be called "lying" or "cooking the books")
"In the future you're going to see a lot of people charged, not because ... [the campaigns] want the money, but because it gets you into their database," said former Texas Land Commissioner Garry Mauro, who led Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign in Texas. "If somebody gives you $5 or $10 for a bumper sticker, they will give you $5 or $10 later on. That's the real reason to do it." (My grandma had a Hillary sign in her yard. She hasn't spent 5 bucks on anything ever. Good luck with that theory.)
Texans may also have a hard time getting yard signs because the state is not considered a campaign battleground. (No! The hell you say!) Mr. McCain is expected to win Texas, but he doesn't have an office in Dallas. (Nice touch) Mr. Obama maintains a Dallas office that's open only on Wednesdays. (Nothing half assed about that!)
Supporters in states like Missouri, Ohio and Florida are more likely to get free yard signs than Texans are. (Reason number 6,098 that living in Texas is for chumps)
"The local parties are bringing in signs and get reimbursed or losing money in the long run," Mr. Mauro said. "As the election gets closer and closer and people start expending national resources, you'll be able to get free signs again." (Can't.. fucking.. wait)
Local parties, which have been deluged with phone calls about yard signs, plan to pick up the slack. (Deluged? I find this hard to believe)
Dallas County Democrats, for instance, plan to offer two kinds of Obama yards signs for $5 each. They are printing their own Obama signs and have an online contest in which residents can vote for one of two designs. ( frosting on a turd.)
County Democratic Chairwoman Darlene Ewing understands the frustration of people who don't want to pay. (That's big of ya)
"The first time I had to pay for one, I said, 'Are you kidding me? I have to pay to put your sign in my yard?' " she said. (Thanks for the minutes of the meeting)
But many people are willing to pay, perhaps because the historic campaign could make the signs valuable keepsakes. County Democrats sold signs to 450 people in the first two hours they announced plans to offer Obama displays. (I'm beginning to understand why Ponzi schemes work)
Ms. Ewing said the Obama campaign would give a certain number of free signs to each state. But she figured that will amount to only 10 complimentary signs for Dallas County. (10? Gee, thanks for the socks ,Uncle Barack)
Mr. Obama's campaign wouldn't say whether it will give away a bundle of signs but pledged to help Texas Democrats.
"We are focusing our resources on creating operations in all 50 states to help Democrats up and down ballot win in November," said spokeswoman Shannon Gilson. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)
Local Republicans hope to have McCain yard signs available by early September.
"My inclination at this point is to give them away for free because we want to give people the opportunity to participate," said County Chairman Jonathan Neerman. (While there's no undo cause for alarm there's certainly no room for complacency...)
"There are people who are turned off at having to buy yard signs on a Web site," (Gee ya think?)he said. "I talked to a guy today who was complaining because he bought three yards signs online and because they have that plastic material, every time the wind picks up the signs blow away. And that's before the vandals get to them." (Gonna have to call Sheriff Taylor)
Meanwhile, Mr. Norris, the Obama supporter, says he's no longer interested in getting a yard sign.
"I won't buy one," he said. "No wonder the campaigns are flushed with cash." (Or morons)

Ripped from the Headlines- Reno 911

119 illegal African clawed frogs seized in Nevada


RENO, Nev. - State wildlife officials raided three residences in the Reno area where they seized more than 100 African clawed frogs, which they say are prohibited because they can pose a serious danger to native frogs and entire ecosystems. (Picture that swat team, posing as armature  herpetologists that all just happen to pull up in a climate controlled, armor-plated Hummer)

No charges have been filed against the people who illegally possessed a total of 119 frogs because they are cooperating fully with law enforcement to "get any and all prohibited frogs off the streets," the Nevada Department of Wildlife said in a statement on Wednesday. ("We got a real situation with these frogs just runnin' wild on the streets - pimping, selling drugs, accidental scaring people by appearing to make a bowler hat "magically move" in the old Percy mansion...")

"We are very pleased we were able to seize them before they were circulated to people in the area and possibly escaped into the wild," said Cameron Waithman, game warden captain for NDOW's Division of Law Enforcement. (Exactly how do you 'circulate' illegal frogs? Is there some kind of signal you're supposed to make in the airport bathroom stall to let the guy taking a dump next to you know that you've got hot frogs ready for the taking?)

African clawed frogs grow about as large as bullfrogs and can destroy entire ecosystems by voraciously eating native fish, amphibians and just about anything they can swallow, he said. (Kind of like Delta Burke) 

Scientists also believe these frogs carry and spread an African fungus that has decimated frog populations worldwide, Waithman said. The frog carries the fungus on its skin and is immune to its deadly effects. (Again the Delta Burke similarities are eerie...)

Because of the danger the frogs pose, people who knowingly possess such amphibians face up to six months in jail and a $500 fine, he said. (Six months in jail for illegal frog possession, and yet OJ is still free to golf at will...)

"If people turn these frogs in voluntarily, we don't have an interest in writing them tickets," said Waithman.

"However, if we find even more people involved with keeping and selling these frogs, we will prosecute at the conclusion of our investigations. These amphibians really are a threat to Nevada, and we have a duty to seize any and all that we find." (119 frogs are a threat to Nevada. Never mind the legalized prostitution, the celebrated excess of Las Vegas, or the amount of energy and water used to make that hell hole livable...it's the frogs that are gonna screw it all up.)

The African clawed frog was used in hospitals in the 1940s and 1950s as a way to detect pregnancy in women. It produces eggs when injected with the urine of a pregnant woman. (Makes sense to me...beats peeing on a stick...)

Scientists say the fungus on the frogs works like a parasite that makes it difficult for the frogs to use their pores, quickly causing them to die of dehydration. It has been linked to the extinction of amphibians from Australia to Costa Rica.

Japan reported its first cases of frog deaths from the fungus in January 2007, prompting research groups to declare an emergency in the country. (Okay, people...did no one read The Boy Who Cried Wolf? If this is the level of threat that classifies on multiple continents as a national 'emergency', no one's gonna believe you when some cults jump on the subway carrying ricin gas...) On the Caribbean island of Dominica, the fungus has almost wiped out the mountain chicken, a frog species considered an island delicacy. (Wow, I guess it really does taste like chicken)

___

Emeril Lagasse Eats Babies For Breakfast

From the New York Times:

By Alessandra Stanley

An alien has invaded Planet Green (What?  Ooohh, that dippy environmental channel that only four people, including me, get.  I swear Discovery is going to soon create a channel for insane dog owners who want to clone their dead pet.).

In a wispy utopia of bamboo cotton, home wind turbines and vegan celebrities (Who the fuck's utopia is that?  Mine involves an endless supply of dirty Reuben love.), there is one kitchen voluptuary who seems intent on subverting this environmental cable channel’s less-is-more ethos (How dare he?  Prick.  And who exactly is flying in the face of such wonderful wonderfulness and how is he doing so?  Please tell me cuz I'm DYYYYYING to know.).

Emeril Lagasse (Him?  Didn't his relevance leaves this realm about ten years ago?) cannot put away the butter. Or the cream, crème fraîche, white flour, olive oil, fried batters, béchamel, roux, mayonnaise and fatty beef. (Put all that stuff together and you got yourself a stew goin'.)“Emeril Green” on Planet Green, a new offering by the Discovery Networks, is supposed to promote easy, healthy ways to prepare nutritious, eco-friendly dishes. As he strolls the aisles of a Whole Foods Market, Mr. Lagasse mainly points out organic foods while waving a green felt-tip pen. (I smell a food Nazi writer!  Once, when driving home from Colorado, I was listening to a woman nutritionist scream at another nutritionist on the radio because he dared say that drinking 2% milk was okay for a healthy diet.  She couldn't believe he was endorsing such poison and yammered on about how skim milk is the only milk that wasn't poison and promptly hung up.  I'm thinking it's the same person.)

Recent recipes have included chocolate soufflé (cage-free eggs) (Hah!) and fried, breaded eggplant (Ooh!) topped by a white shrimp-crab béchamel sauce. (Ahh!  Topped?) The diet lentil salad he prepared for a woman trying to maintain her 130-pound weight loss came topped with a fried egg. (Or, in another language, mustard gas!) Layering organic tomato, lettuce and avocado on a hamburger — on a brioche bun — for a picky teenager, Mr. Lagasse, the Louisiana-trained chef, implored her to let him add mayonnaise. (Child killer!)

“How about just a little bit?” he urged. “Because it’s homemade.”  (That fucker.  Why doesn't he just throw a puppy in the blender as well.)

Healthy, it seems, doesn’t have to be heart-healthy or even low in fat as long as it includes fresh greens.  (No.  A diet and sustaining the success of a diet means treating everything with moderation, you dip.) But on a channel that measures good citizenship by the carbon footprint, Mr. Lagasse leaves a huge caloric wake. (I blame gas prices on Mr. Lagasse.  And I have to start TiVoing this potential abortion.) He certainly stands out next to Planet Green’s lean-living, eco-minimalist hosts. (I think that's a fat joke and it's entirely uncalled for.) The actor-environmentalist Ed Begley Jr., who has his own show, “Living With Ed,” powers his toaster with a stationary bike (Well bully for him.). Yet in some ways, the Emeril presence is emblematic of the channel’s wide and at times inconsistent embrace: Planet Green tints home renovation shows, makeovers, car races and celebrity interviews in bright ecological green, but the color is dappled with incongruities, from an all-fats-allowed celebrity chef to advertisements that undermine the channel’s most heartfelt (?) messages. (I bet she wanted to be part of the launch of this channel and was roundly rejected.  Or some producer just broke up with her.  She'll show 'em.)

To conserve water and cut back on chemicals, viewers are urged to kick the lawn habit. Moments later a commercial for Patch Perfect, a grass seed fertilizer, pitches its lawn-repair product as “grass seed on steroids.” (What?  An upstart cable network with absolutely no viewers or bona-fide revenue streams couldn't turn down a grass seed commercial in the first two months of their existence?  Everyone should live with Ms. Stanley's superlatively high standards.  It's TV!  What rock or Berkeley enclave have you been living under?)  

And for a channel that prides itself on exposing what it calls “eco-crimes,” Planet Green at times provides remarkably credulous coverage.

“Hollywood Green,” hosted by an entertainment reporter, Maria Menounos, serves as a kind of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Responsible,” touring green Hollywood Hills mansions and beauty services. A recent segment celebrated a tanning salon with solar-powered tanning beds. The show reported glowingly on the establishment’s bamboo walls and air purifiers but didn’t point out that the solar-powered tanning beds still rely on carcinogenic UV rays to darken customers’ skin.  (Top four objectives of this channel:  Make money, make money, make money and hope to change a few stupid American habits along the way.  IN THAT ORDER!)

The channel’s tone is insistently light and sprightly, perhaps because environmental piety is one of the most reliable ways to turn away viewers.  (So she wants her TV to preach to her in haughty tones?  Isn't that what Current TV is for?) Preaching is limited (?) to pop-up eco-trivia: “a reusable mug saves approx 23 lbs of waste a year.” (Yep.  She does.)

Shows like “Renovation Nation” and “Greenovate” flatter viewers with you-can-do-it-too tips about compact fluorescent lightbulbs and urban compost heaps. The shows profile pioneers who build entire houses out of shipping crates or couples who restore old houses and fill the walls with soybean-based insulation.

Planet Green relishes detail, be it recycling methods, pollution counts or solar power engineering, but its corporate sponsors keep their messages opaque. A commercial for Dow Chemical shows a slow montage of art photography — doleful miners staring at the camera with blackened faces, a fish swimming in the ocean, tribesmen, a woman with a stroller — as a narrator solemnly intones, “Carbon, hydrogen, oxygen are the very same elements from which we are made, they are the bond between us all.” (I'm betting $29 that Ms. Stanley lives in a college town where changing the world is the topic she and her fellow 'writers' regularly discuss in scornful, humorless ways over tapas.)

The nonadvertising content is more prosaic. “Wasted!” rounds up suspects with especially wasteful habits and challenges them to reduce what the show calls their “eco-footprint.” A family living in a vast McMansion (a 9,000-square-foot living room) with five cars was asked to cut back on everything from gasoline (its consumption comes to about 218 gallons of crude oil a week) to paper towels and lighting. After three weeks even modest stinting helped, though the lady of the house drew the line at replacing flame-shaped light bulbs in her chandeliers with boxier energy-efficient ones. “They’re absolutely hideous,” she explained. (Maybe we should just kill 'em then.  Seems like the only logical conclusion to such waste.)

The channel mimics almost every cable conceit (There.  You said it.  Cable.  What's your expectations here?  Here's a little hint for ya.  Granola-types don't spend money!  Ergo, please draw me up a business model for the channel that would work in your eyes.  I'm waiting, you conceited, pie-in-the-sky nutjob.) ; last week it unveiled a reality competition, the eco-smack-down “Battleground Earth: Ludacris vs. Tommy Lee.” These two artists and their posses compete in 13 challenges, including collecting plastic bottles and disposal cups at a ballgame.

It’s easy — and fun — to snicker at the smug self-righteousness of young Hollywood, especially on “Alter Eco,” a show that encourages stars like Adrian Grenier and Leonardo DiCaprio to show off their eco-cool. The show’s regular hosts, Darren and Boise and Angela, swan around Southern California calling each other “dude” as they recycle, down-size and party in a Planet Green version of “The Hills.”

“Supper Club,” a health foodie version of “Dinner for Five,” caters to an older set. Tom Bergeron invites a celebrity chef to prepare a green meal for a small group of celebrities like Mariel Hemingway and Marilu Henner. The guests sip wine, eat and debate “sustainability,”(OOOOOHHHHH, that's TiVoed!  That might be the perfect example of Mundane Hour With Ed Mundane.) but there is usually at least one dissenter, like the comedian Martin Mull, who mocks or questions the dogma. (It's TiVoed.  I just did it.)

There isn’t a lot of scolding on this channel (She wants this.  She wants scolding.  Ms. Stanley, time to climb out of your stuffy little pretentious box you call a head and go meet some real people and find out how the world really works.), and purism is diluted by sunny chatter. A little like last year’s star-studded international music benefit, “Live Earth,” Planet Green figures that viewers will swallow their environmental medicine only if it comes coated in a bright, sugary syrup. (Well, it probably has about 18 viewers right now.  Make it a preach-a-thon and you'll have a six left.  Good solution.  I'm convinced.  You?)

Or a creamy béchamel sauce. (Witty.  I bet she had a smug look on her face when she typed that last period.  A smug look coupled with a slam down on the 'send' key.  She showed 'em.  Nobody calls her humorless and breaks up with her without SERIOUS repercussions.)

Mike Wallace it ain't....

The secrets of the 'Sisterhood'

NEW YORK (CNN) -- CNN came to the junket (ass-kissing session) for "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" to ask questions of stars Amber Tamblyn, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and Blake Lively. (four children's names you wouldn't have found before 1975)

Tamblyn decided to turn the tables. (you sly dawg...)

"What's it like to work with Sanjay Gupta?" she asked. "What's it like to work with Anderson Cooper?" (I'll field that one......it's like working with two men that work on television. Totally. Fascinating.)

Well, the thing is, not everyone at CNN gets to work with Cooper and Dr. Gupta, so we couldn't give her colorful answers. (whoa whoa whoa! Ever hear of a little firebrand named Lou Dobbs, people?!?) But Tamblyn didn't mind. She just wanted to show she's a fan.
"CNN is my MTV," she said. (there's a difference?!?)

We appreciate the enthusiasm. (as deadpan as Newhart. Hi-larious)

The four actresses are justifiably (that's a stretch) enthusiastic about their own careers. All four have starred in past or current TV shows: Tamblyn in "Joan of Arcadia," Ferrera in "Ugly Betty," Bledel in "Gilmore Girls" and Lively in "Gossip Girl." It's another bond between the women, who characterize each other as friends. (even when discussing friendship, they have to use characterization?)

In two separate interviews -- one with Tamblyn and Ferrera, the other with Bledel and Lively -- the four answered questions about stardom at a young age, what they admire about "Traveling Pants" and each other's secrets. The following is a combined and edited version of the interviews.

CNN: As young actresses, successful actresses, how has your life changed?

Tamblyn: Well I don't know in comparison to what, but it's just been, I don't know, it's always kind of been the same way for me because --

Ferrera: You've never known anything but --

Tamblyn: Yeah, I've been acting since I was 9, so that's all my life is, just a lie (laughs). (that's funny?)

CNN: But with the newfound success, has it changed at all?

Tamblyn: Oh, it's uh, you know, newfound success. (Just re-using other people's terms makes you close to "the Dude") It's great at times, it's also exhausting. (Those coal miners are shedding a tear for ya', there, Tamb)

Ferrera: I feel like the only thing that's changed for me is that I now work. I have a job, and I get paid to do what I love to do and that's the difference.

Tamblyn: That's important. (How zen)

Ferrera: I mean, that's about it. And it, it's the best part of it. I now have a job.

Lively: Less sleep (laughs). It's, you know, just working a lot, and realizing how much work it really is. I got ["Gossip Girl"] and I talked to the girls and they told me, "You are going to be working 16-18 hours a day and you're gonna be -- your weekends are gonna be filled with photo shoots, you're not gonna even have time to go to the grocery store." And I was like, "OK, they're preparing me for the worst." (Ever seen this Python skit?? Dead. On.




And really, it's pretty true. You work a lot. But other than that ... it's, you know, you're the same person at the end of the day, it's just your job.

Bledel: It's nice that we've all been on shows now so we all know what it's like.

CNN: What do you think makes this movie so original? (despite it being a sequel)

Tamblyn: I think that the most obvious thing -- and something that America said before -- is the fact that it feels like we sort of become our characters. We just fall right into them because we are such close friends in real life, all of us. (eeeeasy stomach) I think that just adds a special chemistry and aspect to the film itself.

Ferrera: What I really love about this movie and why I would have ran out to see this film even if I wasn't in it (suuuuure you would've) ... is that I feel as a young woman I'm always constantly craving my stories to be told, you know? (then tell them. Why do you need someone else to write them, moron? I love this idea that writers need to write more stuff for a certain sector of society....are women incapable of writing?) When I was younger and movies like "Now and Then" came out, which was the story about four best friends, I ... wanted it so bad. And we got the VHS and watched it 25 times. (not 26. 25 was the limit on the rental)

You know, you want to see your story represented out there in the big world of entertainment (again, writers cramp? What's stopping you?) and so I think it's exciting for young women to get to see things like "Hannah Montana." ... Not that you can't enjoy all types of films, but it is special for young women to see a real portrayal of how hard it is to grow up and how special friendships can be.

Lively: And also, you know, a lot of movies that appeal to a younger audience that have females in them, normally women are pitted against one another. (those are called documentaries. oh snap!) But these [films] are [about] four girls loving each other (giggity!) and supporting each other and the friendship is really the most important thing, it's not the love interest or the cute, popular boy in school that you get.

Outside of that, the things that they're dealing with aren't just for girls. So I think that we've been able to speak to a broader audience because (gay) men will see the movie, they'll stumble upon it (at gunpoint) and actually like it because ... every man has gone through a first love or knows somebody that has a family member that's been divorced, or, you know, knows somebody that's died of cancer or this or that. (spoken like Maya Angelou herself)

CNN: So tell me something about the other two girls that we might not know.

Tamblyn: Blake loves cupcakes. (Fascinating. Goodnight)

Ferrera: And asparagus.

Tamblyn: Ask her about that.

CNN: What kind of cupcakes? (this week on '60 minutes'....)

Tamblyn: I don't know.
Ferrera: I don't know.

CNN: Anything in New York?

(the following exchange is due to be included in the "Journalism Hall of Fame")

Tamblyn: Just ask her. Tell her this room wanted to know about cupcakes and asparagus.

CNN (later, to Lively): They told me to ask you about cupcakes.

Lively: Oh, Lord have mercy. Give me some cupcakes, don't ask me about them.

CNN: What kind do you like?

Lively: Sprinkles. It's the best in the whole wide world.... I'm trying to bring one to New York [by voting on Sprinkles' Web site]. There's one in Los Angeles and Phoenix, oh no, Scottsdale, sorry. And Dallas. So please vote. Please. Vote for cupcakes. Sprinkles.

(aaaaaand done!! Aren't you better off for reading that?)

Bledel: (laughs) Did they tell you about the cliff-jumping business?

CNN: They did not.

Lively: That was something that we actually did ourselves and they wrote it to the movie. (how much of the movie was improvised?)

Bledel: Yeah, [Tamblyn and Ferrera] found the spot and saw people cliff-jumping and they decided to try it, and then told the producers about it and they wrote it in. (after signing 50 insurance forms,consulting attorneys, and contacting their respective agents. Spontaneous fun!)

CNN: Were you guys scared to jump off that cliff? (.....'member when you jumped off that cliff? 'member that? That was awesome)

Lively: It was scary, but it was --
Bledel: It was fun.
Lively: Exciting. Yeah.

CNN (adopting Jiminy Glick's voice): Do you have a favorite pair of jeans that you can't live without, that you wear all the time?

Lively: I have lots of favorite pairs of jeans. I wear these a lot (laughs). I wear these, I have two pair of these, so maybe these. (.....will you stop saying 'these')

A Rare Friday Post

Mr. Beane's love affair with soccer

A's boss a diehard fan of Hotspur and has vowed to help San Jose club get back in MLS picture

For a man paid to unravel the mysteries of baseball, Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane spends a lot of time thinking about soccer for free. (Two thoughts at the same time? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?)
There are as many as five – count 'em, five – hours each day spent listening to soccer podcasts ("on long walks with my dog and during my commute").(A five hour commute? Where's he live? Japan?) There are TiVo'd Premiership games and the heartache that comes with a devotion to Tottenham Hotspur. (Don't I know it!)
Then there is the nightly tug-of-war with his wife. (Excuse me?)
"She wants to watch the baseball highlights on (ESPN's) SportsCenter. I want to watch Fox Soccer Channel," Beane said. (There's a Fox Soccer Channel?) His interest was piqued during a 2003 trip to England to watch the rugby World Cup finals. (How many World Cup's are there for Christ's sake?)While there, Beane couldn't help noticing that nation's other game – football – and something else. (It took a trip to England to realize they like soccer?)
"I saw the passion, but I also saw emotion. And where there's emotion, there is an opportunity." (Only the most corporate of corporate jag-offs would say something like this about a sport!)
Beane came home with a new curiosity, which he shared with colleagues and A's owner Lew Wolff. (Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that meeting!)
Last summer, Beane, Wolff and the rest of Oakland's top brass skipped out on their day jobs (did they have to get permission from HR?)to travel to Germany for a week during the World Cup. The fever really took hold then. (Raw sauerbraten will do that too)"I've become a rabid, passionate fan," Beane said. (Fuck you)
His tutors in the game include his counterpart at Spurs – director of football Damien Comolli.
Moved as much by Beane's enthusiasm as business calculations, (uh-huh)Wolff decided to provide his employee with a new toy. Last month, he and partner John Fisher agreed to resuscitate the defunct Major League Soccer franchise, the San Jose Earthquakes. (Can you feel that tremor of anticipation coming from Northern California?!...Neither can I.)
"The downside is relatively comfortable and the upside is unknown," (Gee, where do I sign up? Sounds like a can't lose!)Wolff said in Toronto recently, where he was attending the baseball owners' meetings.
San Jose will rejoin MLS next season. For now, Beane has an informal involvement with the team that includes an office in the Earthquakes' temporary headquarters. (The janitor's closet at the Office Max off Durham Road and Route 56)
"It's something I want to help grow," Beane said, at pains to point out he's not leaving the A's. But, "at some point, I anticipate that involvement growing."
He won't offer any more than that. However, it is curious that three times during a short phone conversation Beane praises assistant GM David Forst's ability to run the baseball team without him.
"I feel like we've got two GMs here anyway," Beane said. (Oh, God, Just gooo already!)
It is impossible to talk about Beane without mentioning his baseball philosophy. Beane championed the outsider idea that certain statistics revealed more about a player's quality than physical makeup or mere observation could.
Given legitimacy by Beane, the movement became pejoratively known as Moneyball, after the title of the 2003 book in which the Oakland GM starred. Though Beane has enjoyed remarkable success with the small-market A's, his ideas are still controversial in the baseball fraternity. (Plutocrats)
Maybe that's why he talks so cautiously about bringing the same philosophies to assembling a soccer team. (The problem is that if you use it in soccer, nobody will know who the fuck you're talking about)
"Everybody in sport (Oh, fuck off. It's sportSSS in America, not sport, you fucking Gas Bag!) is using some sort of objective analysis," Beane said. "The biggest key is collecting and utilizing data that is linear to winning games." (Talk about taking the fun out of the game. Jesus, this guy would fuck up an orgy)
The most obvious hurdle is the dearth of statistical data in soccer as compared to baseball. (Or interest)
"I'm too respectful of the sport to say I have the formula for success," Beane said. "But it's something we'd like to explore."
The world soccer equivalent to Billy Beane and the A's is Anatoly Zelentsov and Dynamo Kiev. (Household names)
In the 1970s and '80s, Zelentsov was the Ukrainian scientist who brought an early version of objective analysis to the world's most popular sport.
Dynamo Kiev's players were taught a series of computer-designed plays and warned against improvising. (Clay and I could've used him during Losers Bracket) The field was dissected into grids. Players slid into the grids assigned to them, knowing beforehand with iron certainty whether or not they were due to receive the ball. The result was Total Football with an enormous brain and no heart. Dynamo players were often likened to robots. (Gee, I can't imagine why. This is why nerds need to stay away from sports. I'm looking at you, John Clayton.)
But the results spoke for themselves. An underfunded club from a satellite nation dominated the Soviet soccer system for decades and twice won the European Cup Winner's Cup – in 1975 and 1986. (I knew where I was when I heard the news.)
Once the wall came down, top western clubs snatched up Dynamo's biggest stars. Most were abysmal failures once removed from Zelentsov's system. (Sounds like Purdue)
Dynamo not only used computer models to train the team. They were also used to pick it. Measures that tested reflexes (by, for instance, hitting the same keyboard button as quickly as possible over a long interval) or memory games were thought to reveal a player's true speed and intelligence. (Is this a joke? Seriously.)
It sounded wacky, but Zelentsov was invited to use his tools to winnow down a 40-player pool to a 20-man Soviet squad. The team chosen by Zelentsov's computer was sent to the 1988 European Championships, where they were surprise finalists.
Right now, Beane doesn't have a system, just the belief that one must exist. (And that's as good as Gold)
"In everything, there is something. It's just having the ability to mine the linear data from all the background noise," Beane said. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)
He's even more certain about soccer's future in America. (Oh, Christ. THIS again?)
"It's the vacuum effect. You have the world's richest country. And you have the world's biggest sport. `Collision' is the wrong word, but the vacuum is going to have to be filled." (It has been. With televised poker and the LPGA. Both of which get bigger TV ratings then soccer.)
That "collision" became apparent to him this summer in an unlikely venue – on HBO. In an episode of the hit series Entourage, the show's star, a Hollywood actor named Vincent Chase, spends an afternoon watching a Manchester United game at Dennis Hopper's house. (THIS is your proof? Holy Christ.)
The episode didn't get it all right – wrong players, wrong games. But it was English soccer in America's coolest homes. (This may be the stupidest example ever used to prove a point of view. Seriously..Entourage?)
"It's not just sports culture anymore," Beane said. "Now it's become pop culture." (Affixes thumb and forefinger between eyes and nose and massages while sighing heavily)
Beane talks down his own knowledge, which seems considerable – he chats easily about the quality of Fernando Torres' "touches" or Arsene Wenger's scouting coups. (Couldn't have possibly just read it in Idiot's Guide to Soccer)
If Beane's history is any indicator, his hoovering for raw data will soon transform itself into profitable play on the field.
"I don't pretend to have any answers," Beane said. "I'm just hungry to find them." (Go fuck yourself)