Try 1 percent solution for student loans
January 27, 2009
BY JESSE JACKSON
The debate on the recovery has begun in earnest. The $825 billion plan introduced in the House is a good beginning. It makes a down payment on investments vital to our future (Empty and Buzzwordy enough for ya'?) -- in new energy, health-care efficiency, education. It provides assistance for those hit hardest by the crisis. It provides a tax break for the vast majority of Americans.
Republican leaders have reacted in partisan rather than patriotic form. (Oh My Ever Living GOD! Are you fucking serious?!?! The fucking NANOSECOND the Republicans pulled the "you're with us or else you're unpatriotic" bullshit, Jesse was FIRST IN LINE to admonish that sort of rhetoric. Guess that doesn't work both ways, huh?) Their objections are simply wrongheaded. House Minority Leader John Boehner (heh-heh) says the plan is too large, spends too much and has too few tax breaks for business. In fact, the reverse is true. If anything, given the accelerating downturn, the plan is too small and contains too many business tax breaks that are notoriously ineffective at producing jobs. (so, Jesse, you're suggesting expanding the plan, spending more and taxing businesses more....hm...sounds like a rock solid idea)
To help get the economy moving, Congress would be well advised to pass -- either as part of the recovery plan or separately -- a bold initiative to help make college and advanced training affordable. I'd suggest a simple proposition: Let's make college loans available to students on the same terms that the banks receive. (um...how about reducing tuition first?)
Banks now borrow money at about 1 percent, even as the Treasury and Federal Reserve pour in literally trillions in equity, loan guarantees, credit swaps and the like to keep them from going belly up. (which, is a fantastic idea, too. I see good things happening with that model!)
Over the last few decades, students have gone from paying for college with two-thirds grants and one-third loans to the reverse, with most racking up tens of thousands of dollars in debt to stay in school. They are forced to borrow -- even on the subsidized loans -- at rates of 4 percent to 5 percent. When those limited funds are exhausted, they are forced into a private market, where interest rates are even higher, and sometimes end up relying on credit card debt, with rates more than 20 percent. (You're missing the target, buddy. It's not the banks fucking students over. It's the institutions themselves. Tuitions in this country are out of control, but, it's because 70% of the cost for an institution is in human resources (healthcare, worker's comp, etc... Paying 1% on $30,000 will suck just as bad as paying 5%)
With the recession spreading, students are struggling to cobble together the funds to stay in school. (and how is that different than non-recession years?) Parents' contributions get slashed when they lose their jobs. Grant aid doesn't make up the difference. The Economic Recovery Plan would increase the maximum Pell grant by $500, but that doesn't make a dent.
There is real perversity here. General Motors is offering car loans at zero percent while students seeking to get an education must pay 5 percent to 6 percent. Students are essentially subsidizing the banks that drove us into this ditch, even as those banks continue to pay multimillion-dollar bonuses to the very leaders who are responsible. (Ever get a peek at some of these 'noble' education administrator's salaries? Holy flirking schnit. Again, going after the 'unwarranted bonus to evil bankers' argument here isn't holding much water when the philosophy professor has a mansion)
Thus far, the Federal Reserve and the Treasury keep spraying the leaves and ignoring the roots. They keep bailing out the captain's quarters while ignoring the hole at the bottom of the boat. (so, why doesn't this stimulus package mention that?!? I'm getting tired....)
We should go another way. Michelle Obama has noted the harsh burdens that students are faced with. "Salaries don't keep up with the cost of paying off the debt, so you're in your 40s, still paying off your debt at a time when you have to save for your kids." She and Barack were still paying off their loans in their 40s, until his best-selling books got them out of the hole. And they were successful graduates of Harvard Law School. (where tuition is more than reasonable. Geez, I can't figure out why someone would still be paying off a loan to THAT school!)
Now the situation is much worse. Talented students are forced to drop out. Schools without large endowments are making draconian cuts and raising tuitions.
Young people are the nation's most valuable asset (Ok. Sing it now, "Children...children.....future...future..Children are the futuuure") ; their education is essential to our future. Their potential should not be snuffed out, their dreams shattered because of an economic crisis they didn't cause and cannot avoid. We shouldn't ask them to subsidize the very banks that caused the mess (that's the Federal Reserve's job!) . It's time for a 1 percent student loan program.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Rick Pulls One Out of his Ass, again....
Barack is the new Mike
President calls for responsibility -- Jordan, athletes can lead the way
January 21, 2009
BY RICK TELANDER Sun-Times Columnist
Be like Mike was then. Be like Barack is now. (ugh...here we go. I can't even read the fucking sports section without this shit?) In 1991, Gatorade (and Jordan's agent) needed a motto, a catchy song refrain to sell its sports drink that was to be promoted by a recently signed, nearly superhuman athlete at the peak of his powers. (thank you for not using hyperbole, Rick)
Michael Jordan embodied more than basketball dominance after winning his first NBA championship with the Bulls in the spring of 1991; he was the epitome of skill and grace and luxury and an unsuppressed me-first hedonism that would become the signature philosophy for the decade. (Whoa! I thought that was the Reagan Years?!? When did the 90's suddenly become the 'me-first' decade? What in the hell is he talking about? Rick, you can't create bullshit just to fit your article's overall theory...jesus...that's Phil Rogers' job...)
Jordan may have played with a team, but he mostly tolerated his teammates (that was big of him). He was the show. People wanted to be like Mike. Not Ron Harper. (taking a shot at the stutterer..nice touch)
Jordan was perfect for a time when shrewd Americans ruled with credit, when wealth was its own reward, when somebody else could handle matters such as ruined health care, failing inner-city schools, crumbling neighborhoods, subtle segregation, gang violence, illegal immigration, crack cocaine, Wall Street pigs at the trough.
But that was then. (No.....it.......wasn't. I was there, bud. Way to broadstroke the entire population into being disinterested, racist, violent, drug-abusing, money-grubbing assholes. Fuck you, too, Rick)
That was before 9-11, before the Iraq war, before the mortgage meltdown and the global economic collapse of right now. (thanks for the sobering reminder, sir)
President Barack Obama gave his inaugural speech Tuesday, and it rang out with rebukes to the old Ugly American way.
Many athletes came to the Washington ceremonies these last few days, including Muhammad Ali, Dave Winfield and Dikembe Mutombo. Even apolitical Tiger Woods appeared Sunday at the Lincoln Memorial event, somewhat dispassionately (compared to the fawning and masturbatory press coverage, yeah, he seemed a bit subdued) praising the military and thereby himself: ''I am the son of a man who dedicated his life to his country, family and the military, and I am a better person for it.''
Obama, the first African-American leader of this nation (again, great reminder...paid by the word?) , brought out many, inspired millions.
His speech was eloquent, soaring and harsh. He said it was time for us to ''reform bad habits,'' that ''the time has come to set aside childish things.''
But Mike himself was nowhere to be seen. (I started to panic, too! Where WAS he!?!?) Maybe he was behind the Capitol Hill scenes somewhere. But our instinct told us it was more likely he was somewhere playing golf, smoking cigars, gambling, chasing pleasure. (nah. Doubt it)
Jordan can do that. He is rich for life. (exactly! I know it's difficult for normal people to play golf, smoke cigars and gamble...that shit is only for the wealthiest 1%) But maybe not in things that matter.
And Obama was impassioned about those things.
We must ''pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off,'' he said, and get back in the game of dedication, hard work, concern for our less-well-off (????) fellow citizens. No more can we be gluttonous, carefree joy-seekers without a thought. (man, he has the pulse of the nation..) To be moral and involved is right. ''What is required is responsibility,'' he said.
Most of the star athletes in this country are African-American, and now their president is giving them a clarion call to act right, to be anti-Charles Barkleys. To be role models.
It is time for the Michael Vicks and Plaxico Burresses and Travis Henrys (nine children by nine women) to shed their hang-ups and indulgences and act right. (but, certainly, not while Bush was in office. NOW, is the time to straighten up...gotcha.)
It is time for young black males -- for all young males -- to admire and try to be like Barack: strong and smart and educated and compassionate. (again....where was this shit before? Why now? Listen, pal.....if a young man was a fuck-up before Jan. 20th, having a black man as president isn't going to turn his ass around. Get a clue.)
''Sometimes I dream
''That he is me...
''Like Mike
''If I could be like Mike.''
Those are the old words, and it is not too late for Jordan himself to come out and be involved in Obama's all-inclusive gang and set our country right again. (Indeed, look to the superstar athletes. They hold the truth)
(Rick, go back to writing about gymnastics or something equally as boring....please. Then, I can ignore you easier)
President calls for responsibility -- Jordan, athletes can lead the way
January 21, 2009
BY RICK TELANDER Sun-Times Columnist
Be like Mike was then. Be like Barack is now. (ugh...here we go. I can't even read the fucking sports section without this shit?) In 1991, Gatorade (and Jordan's agent) needed a motto, a catchy song refrain to sell its sports drink that was to be promoted by a recently signed, nearly superhuman athlete at the peak of his powers. (thank you for not using hyperbole, Rick)
Michael Jordan embodied more than basketball dominance after winning his first NBA championship with the Bulls in the spring of 1991; he was the epitome of skill and grace and luxury and an unsuppressed me-first hedonism that would become the signature philosophy for the decade. (Whoa! I thought that was the Reagan Years?!? When did the 90's suddenly become the 'me-first' decade? What in the hell is he talking about? Rick, you can't create bullshit just to fit your article's overall theory...jesus...that's Phil Rogers' job...)
Jordan may have played with a team, but he mostly tolerated his teammates (that was big of him). He was the show. People wanted to be like Mike. Not Ron Harper. (taking a shot at the stutterer..nice touch)
Jordan was perfect for a time when shrewd Americans ruled with credit, when wealth was its own reward, when somebody else could handle matters such as ruined health care, failing inner-city schools, crumbling neighborhoods, subtle segregation, gang violence, illegal immigration, crack cocaine, Wall Street pigs at the trough.
But that was then. (No.....it.......wasn't. I was there, bud. Way to broadstroke the entire population into being disinterested, racist, violent, drug-abusing, money-grubbing assholes. Fuck you, too, Rick)
That was before 9-11, before the Iraq war, before the mortgage meltdown and the global economic collapse of right now. (thanks for the sobering reminder, sir)
President Barack Obama gave his inaugural speech Tuesday, and it rang out with rebukes to the old Ugly American way.
Many athletes came to the Washington ceremonies these last few days, including Muhammad Ali, Dave Winfield and Dikembe Mutombo. Even apolitical Tiger Woods appeared Sunday at the Lincoln Memorial event, somewhat dispassionately (compared to the fawning and masturbatory press coverage, yeah, he seemed a bit subdued) praising the military and thereby himself: ''I am the son of a man who dedicated his life to his country, family and the military, and I am a better person for it.''
Obama, the first African-American leader of this nation (again, great reminder...paid by the word?) , brought out many, inspired millions.
His speech was eloquent, soaring and harsh. He said it was time for us to ''reform bad habits,'' that ''the time has come to set aside childish things.''
But Mike himself was nowhere to be seen. (I started to panic, too! Where WAS he!?!?) Maybe he was behind the Capitol Hill scenes somewhere. But our instinct told us it was more likely he was somewhere playing golf, smoking cigars, gambling, chasing pleasure. (nah. Doubt it)
Jordan can do that. He is rich for life. (exactly! I know it's difficult for normal people to play golf, smoke cigars and gamble...that shit is only for the wealthiest 1%) But maybe not in things that matter.
And Obama was impassioned about those things.
We must ''pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off,'' he said, and get back in the game of dedication, hard work, concern for our less-well-off (????) fellow citizens. No more can we be gluttonous, carefree joy-seekers without a thought. (man, he has the pulse of the nation..) To be moral and involved is right. ''What is required is responsibility,'' he said.
Most of the star athletes in this country are African-American, and now their president is giving them a clarion call to act right, to be anti-Charles Barkleys. To be role models.
It is time for the Michael Vicks and Plaxico Burresses and Travis Henrys (nine children by nine women) to shed their hang-ups and indulgences and act right. (but, certainly, not while Bush was in office. NOW, is the time to straighten up...gotcha.)
It is time for young black males -- for all young males -- to admire and try to be like Barack: strong and smart and educated and compassionate. (again....where was this shit before? Why now? Listen, pal.....if a young man was a fuck-up before Jan. 20th, having a black man as president isn't going to turn his ass around. Get a clue.)
''Sometimes I dream
''That he is me...
''Like Mike
''If I could be like Mike.''
Those are the old words, and it is not too late for Jordan himself to come out and be involved in Obama's all-inclusive gang and set our country right again. (Indeed, look to the superstar athletes. They hold the truth)
(Rick, go back to writing about gymnastics or something equally as boring....please. Then, I can ignore you easier)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Glick Lives!
Now, I have no real beef against Zwecker. He's got a job to do, but, this is just shooting fish in a barrel for the SNC....
Was 'Bride Wars' for real?
Hathaway and Hudson went at it on the set, source says
BY BILL ZWECKER Sun-Times Columnist
In ''Bride Wars'', Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson play characters who go from best friends to near-mortal enemies when they discover a mixup schedules both their weddings on the same day. (Totally....fuckin'....brilliant. Where DO they get their ideas? Methinks it's "Hollywood Magic"...)
A production staffer who worked on the film (guy who drives the catering van) claims the nastiness in many of the actresses' fight scenes ''didn't require all that much acting. ... They really didn't get along all that well.'' (Hard to believe a script like this didn't require much acting. Hm....perhaps, this "insider" speaks the truth after all!)
That tale brought an immediate response from Hathaway's spokesman, Stephen Huvane (sorry to hear about that mouth injury making you unable to speak for yourself, Anne): 'There was absolutely no tension between the two. They are great friends (great? It was one movie) and it is a shame the media always does this to women,'' e-mailed (with Herculian effort...) the veteran Hollywood publicist. Similar (required) sentiments were expressed by representatives for both Hudson and the ''Bride Wars'' filmmakers.
The set source (reliable as Old Faithful, I'd bet...), however, did say, ''I think these are two such different women. Anne is more of an intellectual (less sexy) and Kate comes off as something of a dizzy lightweight. (hotter) ... It's hard to believe those two would have anything in common,'' (hm. Such highly researched insight. This is solid reporting, Bill) also claiming she overheard both women making catty comments about the other. (I stand corrected. Case. Closed)
• Meanwhile, Hathaway's budding romance with actor Adam Shulman was showcased at the Palm Springs International Film Festival opening gala last weekend. A witness (usher) reports ''the two of them looked very smitten with each other. ... Everyone was very happy for her, after what she went through with that con man.'' (Shake it off)
Another guest (more vague descriptions, please, Bill) was relieved to learn that despite Hathaway's three-year relationship with Raffaello Follieri (whose false claims included a boast he represented the Vatican's real estate interests (The Pope's broker? I would love to attend one of the closings. Do they bless the deed?), ''she didn't lose any of her money with him.''
Hathaway split with Follieri last June, shortly after the Italian businessman was charged with 14 counts of wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy. (Come on, Anne. Don't be a fairweather fan) After pleading guilty, Follieri was sentenced to 4½ years in prison in late October.
PHOTO FLASH: Sounds like David Spade knows exactly how to get press -- he simply calls the paparazzi himself. (the HELL you say!!!)
The diminutive (unattractive) funnyman has always loved being linked to Hollywood beauties. So, Spade reportedly has a standing agreement with several of Tinseltown's top shutterbugs (is there any higher aspiration? I don't think so) -- tipping them off when he and his current flame are heading out. That's the case with his current connection -- ''Desperate Housewives'' star Nicollette Sheridan.
ON THE SCENE: A Hilton has whisked into Chicago (Paris? Perez? Who!!!??!) -- but I'm not talking about Paris Hilton or online gossip Perez Hilton (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?) No, it's Paris' aunt Lisa Hilton, an accomplished jazz artist, in town for a Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind benefit tonight at Andy's Jazz Club.
IT'S OFFICIAL: R. Kelly and his long-estranged wife, Andrea, were divorced Thursday, ending their tumultuous 11-year marriage (and they said it wouldn't last....) . According to the singer's attorney, James Quigley, the ex-couple reached ''an amicable resolution [of] all issues'' (read: she gets a ton of money) and will share custody of their three children. Financial details were not revealed.
Despite rumors he would be replaced, Taylor Lautner will reprise his role as Jacob Black in ''New Moon,'' the ''Twilight'' sequel. His character is central to the storyline in the film, being released in November. (Can't....fucking....wait)
Was 'Bride Wars' for real?
Hathaway and Hudson went at it on the set, source says
BY BILL ZWECKER Sun-Times Columnist
In ''Bride Wars'', Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson play characters who go from best friends to near-mortal enemies when they discover a mixup schedules both their weddings on the same day. (Totally....fuckin'....brilliant. Where DO they get their ideas? Methinks it's "Hollywood Magic"...)
A production staffer who worked on the film (guy who drives the catering van) claims the nastiness in many of the actresses' fight scenes ''didn't require all that much acting. ... They really didn't get along all that well.'' (Hard to believe a script like this didn't require much acting. Hm....perhaps, this "insider" speaks the truth after all!)
That tale brought an immediate response from Hathaway's spokesman, Stephen Huvane (sorry to hear about that mouth injury making you unable to speak for yourself, Anne): 'There was absolutely no tension between the two. They are great friends (great? It was one movie) and it is a shame the media always does this to women,'' e-mailed (with Herculian effort...) the veteran Hollywood publicist. Similar (required) sentiments were expressed by representatives for both Hudson and the ''Bride Wars'' filmmakers.
The set source (reliable as Old Faithful, I'd bet...), however, did say, ''I think these are two such different women. Anne is more of an intellectual (less sexy) and Kate comes off as something of a dizzy lightweight. (hotter) ... It's hard to believe those two would have anything in common,'' (hm. Such highly researched insight. This is solid reporting, Bill) also claiming she overheard both women making catty comments about the other. (I stand corrected. Case. Closed)
• Meanwhile, Hathaway's budding romance with actor Adam Shulman was showcased at the Palm Springs International Film Festival opening gala last weekend. A witness (usher) reports ''the two of them looked very smitten with each other. ... Everyone was very happy for her, after what she went through with that con man.'' (Shake it off)
Another guest (more vague descriptions, please, Bill) was relieved to learn that despite Hathaway's three-year relationship with Raffaello Follieri (whose false claims included a boast he represented the Vatican's real estate interests (The Pope's broker? I would love to attend one of the closings. Do they bless the deed?), ''she didn't lose any of her money with him.''
Hathaway split with Follieri last June, shortly after the Italian businessman was charged with 14 counts of wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy. (Come on, Anne. Don't be a fairweather fan) After pleading guilty, Follieri was sentenced to 4½ years in prison in late October.
PHOTO FLASH: Sounds like David Spade knows exactly how to get press -- he simply calls the paparazzi himself. (the HELL you say!!!)
The diminutive (unattractive) funnyman has always loved being linked to Hollywood beauties. So, Spade reportedly has a standing agreement with several of Tinseltown's top shutterbugs (is there any higher aspiration? I don't think so) -- tipping them off when he and his current flame are heading out. That's the case with his current connection -- ''Desperate Housewives'' star Nicollette Sheridan.
ON THE SCENE: A Hilton has whisked into Chicago (Paris? Perez? Who!!!??!) -- but I'm not talking about Paris Hilton or online gossip Perez Hilton (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?) No, it's Paris' aunt Lisa Hilton, an accomplished jazz artist, in town for a Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind benefit tonight at Andy's Jazz Club.
IT'S OFFICIAL: R. Kelly and his long-estranged wife, Andrea, were divorced Thursday, ending their tumultuous 11-year marriage (and they said it wouldn't last....) . According to the singer's attorney, James Quigley, the ex-couple reached ''an amicable resolution [of] all issues'' (read: she gets a ton of money) and will share custody of their three children. Financial details were not revealed.
Despite rumors he would be replaced, Taylor Lautner will reprise his role as Jacob Black in ''New Moon,'' the ''Twilight'' sequel. His character is central to the storyline in the film, being released in November. (Can't....fucking....wait)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Douchebag! Douchebag!
I'm retiring David Wygant posts after this one, I promise. Because I think this is his masterpiece and I won't be able to top it.
Dirty Talk The Naked Truth
It’s funny – my life is really interesting, and it’s a blast.(If you say so) I work a lot – I would definitely be considered a workaholic (thanks for clearing that up) – a lot of these blogs are written at two o’clock in the morning. (Gee, i couldn't tell. What with all the fine editing and not at all redundant sentences. Fuckbag.)
But anyway, then we went for a hike, we’ve probably written about 30 blogs today, we did some audio (what the hell is he talking about? Is this a camp? Who pays for this?)– we did a new audio confession, another one of my Girls Tell All series tonight – which is a very interesting product that is coming out that I’ll tell you about in a week or two. (Can't wait.)
Yakub and Khiem (oh, them)were asking me tonight how have I become so good at dirty talk. And really, I love dirty talk. (So do I. You're a cocksucker.)And let’s not say ‘dirty,’ I’d rather use the term ‘naughty.’(Ok. You're a dick smoker)
So how did I get so good at naughty talk? (By being a self absorbed asshole?)
I have to thank my college girlfriend. Not Amy Alterman, Amy Alterman was my college girlfriend junior year. (Glad that's cleared up)I used to call her FISP – which stood for Flicking Itching Scratching and Picking (Sounds like a keeper!)– she was definitely very neurotic, and I teased her, of course. I’ve always been teasing women since I was a child! (And he's still single, gals!)
But I have to thank Ellen Weinberger. Ellen Weinberger was this hot, sexy girl from Livingston, New Jersey, that I went to American University with. (Uh-huh)And Ellen Weinberger – every guy in school wanted her. (But you got her? Guaranteed she was a goblin)I met her when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. She had one of those incredible bodies – 5’3”, natural big breasts, thin little body, brunette, big eyes, and she just reeked of sex appeal. (And scotch)
She was one of the sexiest girls you’ve ever seen. (WE GET IT!) Every guy wanted her in school, but the problem was: she had a boyfriend. (And a dick)
Her boyfriend was this guy named Norm. Norm walked with a limp because he got into some car wreck, so we called him the Limping Boyfriend from Brooklyn (of course, being immature 19-year-olds, that was about the most clever thing we could come up with.) (Now being an immature 40ish, he still thinks it's interesting to talk about his fucking lame ass dates) Ellen and I had instant chemistry, but she had this boyfriend. (Yeah, you said that already. Can we get this guy an editor, please?)I used to go to her room, we used to catch a buzz, and we used to talk dirty to each other. (What are you? 11?)We would literally sit there and tell each other what we would do to each other if we were both single. (Are you fucking kidding me? David is going far and beyond anything here...and that's saying alot!) So I would leave her room, after getting her all hot, and she’d go sleep with her boyfriend (because every weekend she’d go to Brooklyn to see Norm.) I’d go out and have sex with some random little college babe that I’d tried to hook up with – sometimes I’d get lucky, sometimes I wouldn’t. (I'm embarrassed as I read this. Yet I go on.)
At the end of the weekend, I would always see Ellen again, and we’d catch a buzz, and I’d look directly into her eyes and tell her, flat out, that I’d thought about her while I was sleeping with someone else. (This never happened. NEVER. Once again, David is full...of..bull..shit)And I’d tell her about the things I’d want to do to her, and how great it would be if she’d just dump Norm.
This went on for two years. (So is this fucking story)We just talked dirty to each other for two years! (Paid by the word. I'm telling ya)It was unbelievable. It was the most freeing, fantastic experience. I couldn’t have her because she kept dating Norm, but the conversations got deeper, more erotic, and more sexual – I knew everything about her sexually. (Assbag.)
Then, halfway through my senior year, I went to Florida and came back. It was 1984. January 1984 – the start of my last semester of college. (This means David is pushing 50. 50!!)That was the year that old man coats were in style – if you remember those long woolen coats you could get at thrift stores. (They still have them, dickweed!)
I bought an old man coat, I had a little suntan, and I walked into Ellen’s apartment. It was on a Thursday night – we used to go out on Thursday nights, we’d catch a buzz and then go out and drink some more. (Sounds like two alcoholics jerking off)We used to just flirt and tease each other, and then I’d pick up another girl and she’d go to see Norm the next day. (Again with this?)
I remember picking her up, and doing our usual thing, flirting, teasing, talking dirty to each other, and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I asked her if she was going to see Norm that weekend and she said she was actually going to stay around here. I said, alright, cool, and told her we should get together. She said alright, and then she grabbed me, and she kissed me! (Pushing 50, folks. Still looking for some bullshit frat boy validation. Wow.)
Now this was like two years of dirty talk culminating in this fantastic kiss. I was kissing Ellen Weinberger, the girl that everybody at school wanted, and I finally had her! (Everybody in school wanted her? Is this junior high?)
Ellen Weinberger and I ended up going out for the next two years. (I'm exhausted.)
She taught me how to be free with my words. How to push the envelope – how to not care – because our situation was safe. I was busy turning her on for two years with dirty talk, and she was having sex with her boyfriend and thinking about the things that I’d said – and then she would tell me about it. (Yeah, you've mentioned this.)
That’s how I learned how to talk dirty – that’s how I learned how to push it. That’s how I learned what to say, what not to say, and how to say it. (Again. We covered this.)
I have to thank Ellen for allowing me to be free. (Got it.)Ever since then, I’ve always been able to say what’s on my mind sexually. (Yep. Been stated.) Always. Being sexually free is really what it’s about. When I talk dirty I’m not talking in a very graphic way, I’m talking very subliminally. (Sitting on a couch in a dorm room?)But that’s how it all started.
I really believe that when you’re growing up, it’s the experiences that you have with the first couple of women that really set the stage to what kind of man you’re going to become. (David must've been slapped around like a rag doll)And I had fantastic sexual experiences with my first few girlfriends. (Jerking off to JC Penny Catalogue is not sex, Dave!)
My high school girlfriend wouldn’t sleep with me, but we had foreplay all day long. (God, he's not done.)So when all my friends were trying to get laid – thinking about it all the time and then not getting laid – I was getting some great education in foreplay. I learned the importance of foreplay at the age of 17! (OK, he's officially the most full of shit man on the planet!)
And I learned the importance of dirty talk at the age of 19. (Huh?) I had to get really good at talking dirty to get Ellen to break up with Norm. It took me two years of dirty talk to get her to breakup. (This reads like a 5th grade essay. Remember folks, he gets paid to do this.)Two years of practice allows you to perfect it! Once I got her to breakup with Norm, I had the confidence to talk dirty to any woman out there. (I'm rubbing my eyes. Seriously.)
So that’s my story of how I learned to talk dirty. What’s yours? (I learned by telling jag off dirt bag hucksters to go fuck themselves)
Dirty Talk The Naked Truth
It’s funny – my life is really interesting, and it’s a blast.(If you say so) I work a lot – I would definitely be considered a workaholic (thanks for clearing that up) – a lot of these blogs are written at two o’clock in the morning. (Gee, i couldn't tell. What with all the fine editing and not at all redundant sentences. Fuckbag.)
But anyway, then we went for a hike, we’ve probably written about 30 blogs today, we did some audio (what the hell is he talking about? Is this a camp? Who pays for this?)– we did a new audio confession, another one of my Girls Tell All series tonight – which is a very interesting product that is coming out that I’ll tell you about in a week or two. (Can't wait.)
Yakub and Khiem (oh, them)were asking me tonight how have I become so good at dirty talk. And really, I love dirty talk. (So do I. You're a cocksucker.)And let’s not say ‘dirty,’ I’d rather use the term ‘naughty.’(Ok. You're a dick smoker)
So how did I get so good at naughty talk? (By being a self absorbed asshole?)
I have to thank my college girlfriend. Not Amy Alterman, Amy Alterman was my college girlfriend junior year. (Glad that's cleared up)I used to call her FISP – which stood for Flicking Itching Scratching and Picking (Sounds like a keeper!)– she was definitely very neurotic, and I teased her, of course. I’ve always been teasing women since I was a child! (And he's still single, gals!)
But I have to thank Ellen Weinberger. Ellen Weinberger was this hot, sexy girl from Livingston, New Jersey, that I went to American University with. (Uh-huh)And Ellen Weinberger – every guy in school wanted her. (But you got her? Guaranteed she was a goblin)I met her when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. She had one of those incredible bodies – 5’3”, natural big breasts, thin little body, brunette, big eyes, and she just reeked of sex appeal. (And scotch)
She was one of the sexiest girls you’ve ever seen. (WE GET IT!) Every guy wanted her in school, but the problem was: she had a boyfriend. (And a dick)
Her boyfriend was this guy named Norm. Norm walked with a limp because he got into some car wreck, so we called him the Limping Boyfriend from Brooklyn (of course, being immature 19-year-olds, that was about the most clever thing we could come up with.) (Now being an immature 40ish, he still thinks it's interesting to talk about his fucking lame ass dates) Ellen and I had instant chemistry, but she had this boyfriend. (Yeah, you said that already. Can we get this guy an editor, please?)I used to go to her room, we used to catch a buzz, and we used to talk dirty to each other. (What are you? 11?)We would literally sit there and tell each other what we would do to each other if we were both single. (Are you fucking kidding me? David is going far and beyond anything here...and that's saying alot!) So I would leave her room, after getting her all hot, and she’d go sleep with her boyfriend (because every weekend she’d go to Brooklyn to see Norm.) I’d go out and have sex with some random little college babe that I’d tried to hook up with – sometimes I’d get lucky, sometimes I wouldn’t. (I'm embarrassed as I read this. Yet I go on.)
At the end of the weekend, I would always see Ellen again, and we’d catch a buzz, and I’d look directly into her eyes and tell her, flat out, that I’d thought about her while I was sleeping with someone else. (This never happened. NEVER. Once again, David is full...of..bull..shit)And I’d tell her about the things I’d want to do to her, and how great it would be if she’d just dump Norm.
This went on for two years. (So is this fucking story)We just talked dirty to each other for two years! (Paid by the word. I'm telling ya)It was unbelievable. It was the most freeing, fantastic experience. I couldn’t have her because she kept dating Norm, but the conversations got deeper, more erotic, and more sexual – I knew everything about her sexually. (Assbag.)
Then, halfway through my senior year, I went to Florida and came back. It was 1984. January 1984 – the start of my last semester of college. (This means David is pushing 50. 50!!)That was the year that old man coats were in style – if you remember those long woolen coats you could get at thrift stores. (They still have them, dickweed!)
I bought an old man coat, I had a little suntan, and I walked into Ellen’s apartment. It was on a Thursday night – we used to go out on Thursday nights, we’d catch a buzz and then go out and drink some more. (Sounds like two alcoholics jerking off)We used to just flirt and tease each other, and then I’d pick up another girl and she’d go to see Norm the next day. (Again with this?)
I remember picking her up, and doing our usual thing, flirting, teasing, talking dirty to each other, and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I asked her if she was going to see Norm that weekend and she said she was actually going to stay around here. I said, alright, cool, and told her we should get together. She said alright, and then she grabbed me, and she kissed me! (Pushing 50, folks. Still looking for some bullshit frat boy validation. Wow.)
Now this was like two years of dirty talk culminating in this fantastic kiss. I was kissing Ellen Weinberger, the girl that everybody at school wanted, and I finally had her! (Everybody in school wanted her? Is this junior high?)
Ellen Weinberger and I ended up going out for the next two years. (I'm exhausted.)
She taught me how to be free with my words. How to push the envelope – how to not care – because our situation was safe. I was busy turning her on for two years with dirty talk, and she was having sex with her boyfriend and thinking about the things that I’d said – and then she would tell me about it. (Yeah, you've mentioned this.)
That’s how I learned how to talk dirty – that’s how I learned how to push it. That’s how I learned what to say, what not to say, and how to say it. (Again. We covered this.)
I have to thank Ellen for allowing me to be free. (Got it.)Ever since then, I’ve always been able to say what’s on my mind sexually. (Yep. Been stated.) Always. Being sexually free is really what it’s about. When I talk dirty I’m not talking in a very graphic way, I’m talking very subliminally. (Sitting on a couch in a dorm room?)But that’s how it all started.
I really believe that when you’re growing up, it’s the experiences that you have with the first couple of women that really set the stage to what kind of man you’re going to become. (David must've been slapped around like a rag doll)And I had fantastic sexual experiences with my first few girlfriends. (Jerking off to JC Penny Catalogue is not sex, Dave!)
My high school girlfriend wouldn’t sleep with me, but we had foreplay all day long. (God, he's not done.)So when all my friends were trying to get laid – thinking about it all the time and then not getting laid – I was getting some great education in foreplay. I learned the importance of foreplay at the age of 17! (OK, he's officially the most full of shit man on the planet!)
And I learned the importance of dirty talk at the age of 19. (Huh?) I had to get really good at talking dirty to get Ellen to break up with Norm. It took me two years of dirty talk to get her to breakup. (This reads like a 5th grade essay. Remember folks, he gets paid to do this.)Two years of practice allows you to perfect it! Once I got her to breakup with Norm, I had the confidence to talk dirty to any woman out there. (I'm rubbing my eyes. Seriously.)
So that’s my story of how I learned to talk dirty. What’s yours? (I learned by telling jag off dirt bag hucksters to go fuck themselves)
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